When a couple is divorcing people often think about the children and what they are going through. However, people don’t think of adult children. In 2010, I became what is known as an “adult child of divorce” ACOD for short. An adult child of divorce is someone who was an adult when their parents divorced. I was 28.  It shouldn’t have been a shock but it was. My parent’s marriage was somewhat tumultuous. There was a lot of yelling throughout my childhood. I was convinced that my parents would get divorced after my sister graduated from high school. However, after I graduated high school three years earlier it seemed like my parents got closer.  So, by the time my sister graduated I no longer thought about my parents getting divorced.  They seemed to really enjoy being empty-nesters.  They even took a few trips together which was rare growing up.  They would argue but they seemed to get over it quicker. Obviously, I did not know everything was going on and things came to a head the summer of 2010. 

On August 14, my mom called. She asked if I was home and I said yes.  She then said that she left my dad.  She gave me minimal details which was fine by me. We didn’t talk for too long. I got off the phone and sobbed in the middle of my living room. I called a friend to try to process what I just found out. The next few days were a blur. I worked at a small non-profit and it was hard to hide. I told everyone that I was going through a personal situation and would probably not be myself for a while. Everyone was supportive. A couple of weeks later I called my mom to tell her about something good that happened at work. She said everything is just falling into place.  She asked how I felt and I told her that to be honest I am sad.  That doesn’t mean I’m angry at her, it just means that I’m experiencing a loss.  She said she understood but she has to do this for her. 

I wrote in my journal “Gosh, this is so confusing!!  I feel as though my foundation has been shattered.  What I’ve known my entire life as my parents is no longer.  Yes, they are still both my parents but they are not together my parents.  There will be no more going home to visit my parents.  What the heck is home any way?  What I’ve known as home since my childhood will be no longer.  Even if my dad keeps the house it will not be the same without my mom there.  Even though they both say they don’t expect me to choose one over the other I will have to do so at times.  I can’t be more than one place at a time.  I’ll have to split up my holidays.” Even now I remember the raw emotions and tears as I wrote this. I felt so lost. People were supportive but I received several comments such as “at least you’re not a kid….” Well I’m still their kid and they are still my parents.

I may not have had to deal with moving houses every other week but I had to deal with knowing what was true my entire life-almost 30 years- was no longer true. Nothing would be the same. I was right. Things have been different since that fateful day in August. Thankfully, things were not as bad as I feared they could be. However, each person’s experience is different, even siblings. I have friends and acquaintances whose parents put them in the middle or even cut them out of their new lives. One's relationships with each parent will not be the same. It may not be good or bad but just not the same. At the time I struggled with finding resources and support but there is more now. I decided to write this not really to tell my story but to write what I wish I had read in 2010. I wanted to know that I was not alone. Most of my friends had married parents. Those who didn’t were children when their parents divorced. I will tell you friends that you are not alone.

Hopefully, these tips can be a starting place on your journey of healing.

Set Boundaries:

Unfortunately, your parents will likely try to put you in the middle even if they don’t mean to. I told both of my parents that if they talked about one another or their families I’d hang up on them. I only had to do that once. Sometimes one parent will let something slip but they stop when I give them the look. Tell them what you will and will not tolerate. They should not ask you to keep secrets. They should not ask you to take sides.

Remain Neutral:

Your parents are divorcing but you are not. You do not have to choose sides. You may feel compelled to do so especially if a parent cheated or did something illegal that led to the end of the marriage. You may have already been closer to one parent than the other so it may seem natural to take a side but resist this urge.

Avoid acting as their therapist or friend:

Encourage your parents to speak to a professional. They do need support to navigate this life change but this should not come from you as their child. You can be empathetic but draw boundaries so you do not take on this dual role. It will not serve you any good to hear about your parent’s money issues or sex lives. If they attempt to reel you in gently remind them that you need to continue to be their kid and only their kid.

Practice self-care:

It's important to take care of yourself and manage your own stress during this time. This can include activities such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends and loved ones. Make sure to avoid isolating yourself. 

Seek support:

Talking to friends, a therapist, or a support group can help you process your emotions and cope with the changes brought on by the divorce. I found myself spending more time with people who were supportive and would listen without judgment when I needed to talk. In hindsight I would have sought out a therapist to process my thoughts and feelings. A therapist is impartial and won’t be tempted to vilify one parent or the other. There is a Facebook page specifically for adult children of divorce. Many people find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

Be mindful of your own relationships:

Divorce can impact all of your relationships, including your romantic partnerships and friendships. Make sure to communicate with your significant other and friends about how the divorce is affecting you, and seek their support as needed. This includes being mindful of how the divorce affects future romantic relationships and even the way you view marriage. At first I thought I’d never marry but did end up meeting my now husband about six months later. We’ve had to navigate baggage left over from my parent’s relationship and divorce.

Keep a routine:

Maintaining a normal routine can provide a sense of stability during a time of change. Try to continue with your usual activities, such as work or hobbies. Try not to become preoccupied with the divorce. Although it is helpful to read books, listen to podcasts and talk with other acods, try not to go to far down a rabbit hole. 

Give yourself time to process:

It's normal to feel a range of emotions during a time of change, and it's important to give yourself time to process these feelings. A mentor of mine told me that even though I was not a kid any more it is still a loss of my parents being together.  He told me not to feel guilty for grieving. No, no one died but my parent's marriage did. What I had known my entire life did. That brought me great comfort.

Embrace new traditions:

Accept that holidays will never be the same. However, this is a great opportunity to develop your own traditions. Create traditions that bring you joy and fulfillment. This was actually easier than I thought it would be. I cried during holiday commercials that first holiday season as I grieved the loss of those traditions. However, we have fallen into a new normal that works for us.

I look back to my parents divorcing as one of the hardest things I’ve gone through.  Honestly, I survived through my faith and through the love and support of my friends.  And of course lots of research and reading.  It really does get better.  Things are never the same as before the divorce but you get used to a new normal.  My mantra during the whole thing was “It is what it is” meaning I can’t change it so I shouldn’t stress about it.  I just had to go with the flow since I had no control in the outcome.  I also had to set strong boundaries with my parents as they definitely tried to put me in the middle.  Now I just deal with having to fit in seeing my parents and separate times when I go home.  Again that just is what it is.

Counseling in Missouri

At Aspire Counseling, we understand how difficult it can be to watch a constant in your life suddenly change, like your parents divorcing. Along with working with life transitions, and change, we also work with OCD, anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, and much more. Along with this, our therapists also a proud to be an affirming counseling center, and work with those in the LGBTQ+ community to provide affirming care, and letter writing services. We encourage you to reach out if you are located in the state of Missouri, as we can provide virtual counseling to any within the state, and work with those in person at our Columbia and Lee’s Summit offices. Reach out today to begin your journey with therapy.

About the Author

Kristi Sveum is an LCSW at Aspire Counseling. She highly believes in evidence based practice, and enjoys working with older teens, and college students experiencing OCD, trauma, anxiety, social anxiety, and much more! When Kristi isn’t working at Aspire Counseling, she loves catching almost any Mizzou sports games, and has season passes for basketball!