Grief is unavoidable.  As humans, we all have a desire to connect with others. We all want to live in connection. It’s a natural thing. But when you connect with someone, when you care about someone, it means you will also grieve the loss of that relationship at it’s end.

When someone dies, or even if they are lost to you for another reason, it hurts. Why? Because you cared. Love and grief are two sides of the same coin. The more you care about someone, the more you grieve their loss.  

Will the Grief Pass if I Just Ignore It?

You’re not alone in wanting to ignore the grief. It doesn’t feel good. Sometimes, it feels all-encompassing—suffocating, even. Grief can make it seem like the pain will never end, so it’s tempting to push it aside, distract yourself, or try to “get over it.” You might even tell yourself that time alone will heal the wound.

But avoiding grief doesn’t make it go away. In fact, when you avoid or suppress grief, it often finds other ways to surface. These ways can be subtle, like feeling irritable or disconnected, or they can be more destructive, like turning to unhealthy habits or withdrawing from relationships. Ignoring grief can delay healing and, in some cases, deepen emotional wounds over time.

Processing grief allows you to honor the depth of your loss and begin moving forward in a way that feels authentic. It’s not about “getting over it” or forgetting—it’s about finding ways to integrate the loss into your life while still engaging with the world around you. When you give yourself permission to feel and work through your emotions, you create space for healing, connection, and even growth.

Why Do People Avoid Grief?

Avoiding grief is a natural, and very common, response to loss. Grief can feel overwhelming, unpredictable, and deeply uncomfortable. When faced with the intense emotions that accompany loss, it’s tempting to push those feelings aside, either consciously or unconsciously. While this might feel like the safest or easiest way to cope in the moment, avoiding grief often leads to challenges later on.

Fear of Overwhelming Emotions

For many, the thought of fully experiencing grief is terrifying. Grief can feel all-consuming, like stepping into a wave that might carry you away. People may fear that if they start crying, they won’t be able to stop, or that acknowledging the pain will make it worse. This fear of being overwhelmed can lead to avoidance as a way to protect oneself from the intensity of those emotions.

Cultural and Societal Pressures

Our society often sends mixed messages about grief. On one hand, it’s acknowledged as a natural response to loss. On the other hand, there’s often an unspoken expectation to “be strong,” “keep moving forward,” or “get over it.” These cultural pressures can make people feel like they don’t have permission to grieve openly or for too long. As a result, they may push their feelings aside, convincing themselves they’re fine, even when they’re not.

Misconceptions About Grief

Many people think of grief as a linear process with a clear beginning and end. They might expect to move through a series of stages and come out “healed” on the other side. When grief doesn’t follow this neat progression—and instead ebbs and flows unpredictably—they may feel frustrated or assume something is wrong with them. To avoid this discomfort, they might suppress their grief altogether or convince themselves they’ve already dealt with it.

Avoidance as a Protective Mechanism

Avoiding grief isn’t always a conscious choice. In fact, many people don’t realize they’re doing it. The brain has ways of protecting us from pain, often by compartmentalizing or burying difficult emotions. This might mean throwing oneself into work, distracting with hobbies, or adopting a “positive attitude” to avoid feeling the depth of the loss. While these coping mechanisms might provide temporary relief, they don’t address the underlying grief.

Avoidance Can Happen at Any Time

Grief avoidance doesn’t always occur immediately after a loss. For some, it may surface weeks, months, or even years later. People might initially allow themselves to grieve, only to later believe they’ve moved past it—only to discover that unresolved feelings resurface unexpectedly. Grief isn’t something that can be fully resolved in a single moment or phase. Instead, it’s a process that comes and goes, sometimes for years, especially when the relationship with the lost person was deeply meaningful.

Unhealthy Manifestations of Unprocessed Grief

Grief is a natural response to loss, but when it’s avoided or suppressed, it doesn’t simply disappear. Instead, unprocessed grief often finds other ways to surface, impacting physical health, emotional well-being, relationships, and work. While avoidance can feel like a protective mechanism, the long-term effects can be far-reaching and damaging. Recognizing these manifestations is the first step toward understanding the importance of addressing grief.

Physical Symptoms of Unprocessed Grief

Grief that isn’t acknowledged can take a toll on the body. Emotional suppression activates the body’s stress response, leading to physiological changes over time.

• Chronic Fatigue and Headaches: Suppressing emotions requires significant mental energy, which can lead to exhaustion. Stress-related headaches are also common as tension builds.

• Digestive Issues: Grief affects the gastrointestinal system. Studies have shown that chronic stress, including grief, can disrupt digestion, causing symptoms like nausea, loss of appetite, or stomach pain (American Psychological Association, 2021).

• Weakened Immune System: Prolonged grief and emotional suppression can weaken the immune system, making individuals more susceptible to illness (Stroebe, Schut, & Stroebe, 2007).

The connection between the mind and body means unresolved grief often manifests as physical discomfort, further complicating daily life and well-being.

Emotional Outbursts

When grief is avoided, emotions can build up until they erupt in unexpected ways.

• Irritability and Anger: Individuals may find themselves snapping at loved ones or overreacting to minor stressors. These outbursts are often misdirected grief bubbling to the surface.

• Mood Swings: Unprocessed emotions can create instability, leaving individuals feeling fine one moment and overwhelmed the next. This can be confusing for both the grieving person and those around them.

These emotional swings can strain relationships, especially when friends or family members don’t understand the underlying cause.

Addictive Behaviors

Avoiding grief can lead to reliance on substances or behaviors to numb feelings or distract from pain.

• Substance Use: Alcohol or drugs may provide temporary relief but often exacerbate grief-related issues in the long run. Research highlights that grief can be a risk factor for substance abuse, particularly when avoidance is a key coping mechanism (Doka, 2016).

• Compulsive Behaviors: Overeating, excessive shopping, or gambling can serve as distractions but often create additional stress and shame, perpetuating a harmful cycle.

These behaviors may provide a short-term escape but delay the necessary emotional processing, ultimately prolonging the grief journey.

Difficulty Maintaining Relationships

Grief avoidance can create barriers in relationships, affecting both those who are also grieving and others who weren’t directly connected to the loss.

• Withdrawal from Loved Ones: Avoidance often leads to isolation, as the grieving person may feel misunderstood or unable to connect. This can be especially challenging in families where grief is shared but experienced differently.

• Unrealistic Expectations: Individuals avoiding grief may unknowingly place unrealistic demands on friends or family, expecting them to fill the emotional void left by the loss. This can lead to disappointment, resentment, and strain on relationships.

When grief goes unaddressed, it can create emotional distance, even in close relationships, leaving the grieving person feeling increasingly disconnected.

Workaholism and Overcommitment

Some individuals throw themselves into work or other commitments as a way to avoid their grief.

• Distraction Through Busyness: Staying busy might seem productive, but it’s often a way to avoid confronting painful emotions.

• Burnout and Emotional Disconnection: Over time, this strategy can lead to exhaustion and a sense of emptiness. Work, which initially served as an escape, may become a source of stress and dissatisfaction.

Busyness delays healing and can leave individuals feeling detached from their emotions and personal lives.

Depression and Anxiety

Unacknowledged grief often leads to mental health challenges, such as depression or anxiety.

• Prolonged Sadness and Hopelessness: When grief is left unresolved, feelings of sadness can deepen, leading to symptoms of depression.

• Heightened Anxiety: The uncertainty and emotional turmoil of grief can manifest as generalized anxiety or even panic attacks. Unresolved grief can make it difficult to pinpoint the cause of these feelings, leaving individuals feeling trapped.

These conditions can significantly impair daily functioning and make it even harder to address the underlying grief.

Unresolved Anger or Resentment

Grief that isn’t processed can lead to misplaced anger or lingering resentment.

• Directed at Self: Individuals may blame themselves for the loss, feeling guilty for perceived mistakes or failures.

• Directed at Others: Resentment toward friends, family, or even the person who died is common. This anger is often a way of masking deeper feelings of sadness or helplessness.

Unresolved anger can poison relationships and create additional barriers to healing.

The Ripple Effect of Unprocessed Grief

The impact of avoided grief is far-reaching, often affecting not just the individual but also their relationships, work performance, and overall quality of life. It’s important to normalize the instinct to avoid grief—this is a natural human response to pain—but also to recognize the harm it can cause over time. By addressing grief openly and honestly, individuals can prevent these unhealthy manifestations and begin the journey toward healing.

The Long-Term Impact of Avoiding Grief

Avoiding grief may feel like a way to protect yourself from pain, but in reality, it can prevent the healing and growth necessary to move forward. Grief is a natural and deeply human response to loss. When we ignore it, we deny ourselves the opportunity to process and integrate the loss into our lives. This can leave us emotionally stuck, unable to fully engage with the present or look toward the future with hope. Avoidance doesn’t make grief disappear—it simply delays it, often magnifying its impact over time.

Unresolved grief can accumulate, creating a ripple effect that touches many areas of life. Suppressed grief often leads to greater emotional distress, making it harder to navigate future losses. Over time, this avoidance can contribute to prolonged grief disorder or complicated grief, conditions in which the pain of loss becomes chronic and debilitating. These patterns can make it challenging to find joy, maintain healthy relationships, or feel connected to your sense of self. The longer grief is avoided, the more entrenched it can become, making the path to healing more difficult.

Acknowledging grief doesn’t mean rushing through it or forcing yourself to confront emotions you’re not ready for. Instead, it’s about giving yourself permission to let grief surface naturally, in its own time. This might involve finding ways to honor the person and the relationship you’ve lost, as well as mourning the future you had envisioned. Rituals, storytelling, or creative expressions can provide meaningful outlets for these emotions. By allowing yourself to grieve, you create space for healing and open the door to discovering new meaning, purpose, and connections in life after loss.

What are healthy ways to process grief?

No two people grieve the same. It looks different for everyone. And as we’ve already discussed, it comes and goes.  Grief is undeniably painful and often deeply uncomfortable, but it is also a reflection of how much you cared for the person or relationship that has been lost. Rather than avoiding these feelings, allow yourself to acknowledge the pain. Name your emotions, and remind yourself that it’s okay to grieve in your own way and on your own timeline. There is no “right” way to grieve, and giving yourself permission to feel is a vital step toward healing.

One of the most powerful ways to process grief is to honor the person or relationship you’ve lost. This might include creating rituals or traditions that keep their memory alive, such as lighting a candle, telling stories, or visiting a place that was meaningful to them. Finding a way to celebrate their life or the bond you shared can help you feel connected to them, even as you move forward.

Expressing your grief is also important. Creative outlets like journaling, painting, or music can provide a safe space to process your emotions. Physical activities like walking, yoga, or simply spending time in nature can also offer comfort. Finally, lean on your support system. Talk to friends, family, or support groups who can offer understanding and empathy. Professional counseling can provide a safe and supportive environment to navigate the complexities of grief and help you discover meaning and purpose beyond your loss.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back: Healing Through Grief

Grief is one of the most painful and challenging experiences we face, but it’s also a testament to the depth of our love and connection. Honoring your grief means honoring the person or relationship you’ve lost, as well as the hopes and dreams tied to that connection. While the journey through grief can feel overwhelming, it’s important to give yourself permission to feel your emotions, to let them rise and fall naturally, and to seek ways to remember and celebrate the life or relationship that meant so much to you.

Processing grief doesn’t mean doing it alone. Lean on the support of trusted friends, family, or clergy who can provide a listening ear and a safe space to share your emotions. Professional therapists can help you navigate the complexities of grief, especially if you suspect you may be experiencing complicated grief disorder. A counselor can guide you in finding meaningful ways to honor your loss, express your emotions, and begin to rebuild your life with purpose.

Grief may never fully go away, but you don’t have to face it in silence or isolation. With support, reflection, and meaningful action, you can integrate your loss into your life and find a path forward that honors both your grief and your capacity for healing. If you feel ready, reaching out to a therapist can be an important step in taking care of yourself and your future.

Grief Counseling in Columbia & Lees Summit, MO

At Aspire Counseling, our Missouri therapists understand that grief is deeply personal and often overwhelming. We provide a safe, empathetic space to explore your emotions while using evidence-based practices to help you navigate your healing journey. Together, we’ll help you lean into your grief, finding values-based ways to honor your loved one and the relationship you shared.

Our approach to grief counseling focuses on balancing the memory of the person you’ve lost with moving forward in a meaningful way. This might include making sense of your loss, incorporating lessons and love from your relationship into your life, and discovering how to carry their legacy as you embrace your future. You don’t have to face this alone—our therapists are here to walk beside you and support you every step of the way.

We offer grief counseling at our counseling offices in Columbia and Lee’s Summit, as well as through online therapy for individuals throughout Missouri. Wherever you are, we’re here to help you find healing and purpose after loss. Reach out today to take the next step.

About the Author: Jessica Tappana MSW, LCSW

Jessica Tappana, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker in Missouri and works out of Aspire Counseling’s Columbia and Lee’s Summit offices. From an early age, Jessica was immersed in conversations about grief, growing up with one parent who served as a hospice administrator and another who taught about healthy aging. It was her father who first introduced her to the profound idea that love and grief are two sides of the same coin—a lesson he deeply believed in and shared with her before his own passing in 2015.

Having experienced loss in various forms throughout her life, Jessica brings both personal insight and professional expertise to her work with clients. She views grief as a deeply human emotion—a reflection of love and connection—and believes in the importance of moving through grief to find meaning and healing. Over the years, Jessica has had the privilege of sitting with countless clients as they navigate their own journeys through loss, providing a compassionate and grounded space for healing.