When your teen has mental health concerns, it feels like you're constantly walking on eggshells. Every decision you make seems like it could be the wrong one - and the stress of it all can feel overwhelming. You love your child and want nothing more than to see them happy and healthy, but you don't know how to make that happen.

Parenting a teenager with mental health concerns comes with its own unique set of stressors and challenges. You worry about so many different things. Your top concern may not be for your child's grade or if they're going to speak to you disrespectfully, stay out past curfew or break a house rule. If your child struggles with depression or anxiety, you may have even bigger concerns about your child's wellbeing.

It's hard enough raising a teenager during the best of times.

Perhaps it feels like you're constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to say or do the wrong thing and make things worse. You want to help your teen, but sometimes it feels like there is no "right thing" to say and you're just so scared of somehow making the situation even worse.

This "walking on eggshells" feeling makes discipline really difficult. Yet....sometimes you have to set limits or enforce consequences. After all, the child is living in your household and you care about their safety more than just about anything on Earth so of course, you're going to need some boundaries. But....how do you set them without triggering a mental health crisis or making their anxiety/doubt/self-hatred worse?

Then, caring for your teen and supporting their mental health is complicated by stress in other areas of your life as well. You may feel like you're constantly juggling too many things and that you can't possibly do anything else. You might feel guilty for not being able to dedicate more time to your child or even resent them a little because of how this stress has taken over your life.

All of these feelings are valid and normal.

Parenting a teenager with mental health concerns takes up a lot of time and emotional energy. It's worth it when you see your child grow as a person and overcome these challenges, but it may be hard to see that when you're in the midst of the fear, worry, and exhaustion that can come with the territory.

Yet, you have other areas of your life you need to attend to. Unfortunately, your teen’s mental health concerns probably don't happen in a vacuum. You likely are also worried about keeping up at work, dealing with co-parenting struggles around what boundaries to set or how best to help, and/or trying to support other loved ones such as your other children, parents, etc. Some days, you may be trying to work or trying to relax or just trying to do anything else and realize that it's hard to focus because your mind is busy worrying about your child's mental health.

Your Mental Wellbeing Matters Too

Unfortunately, some parents have found that their own mental health can suffer as they focus so heavily on supporting their teenagers. Honestly, we've seen parents put off therapy for themselves because they want to invest their time/money/energy into getting their children the support they need. Even though I often hear from teenagers that the one that would help them would be if their parents (sorry to say it, but often their mom) would get some professional support themselves. Naturally, it can be infuriating for the mom to hear that from their teens. But...my experience has been that the teens have a bit of a point here. Because this is stressful. And your teenager feels your stress. And it adds to the guilt they feel.

Often, the best thing you can do is put energy into taking care of your own mental health and be open about that with your teen. That way, they realize you aren't just talking the talk but also walking the walk. You don't just think they're so broken they need therapy. Instead, you see therapy as a support for people that are struggling. And when you take them to therapy, it's because you truly believe it will help them just like it helps you.

Your Role as a Parent isn’t the Only Hat You Wear

I've also seen parents whose relationships suffer when their teenager is suffering. Whether you're married or co-parenting with an ex, it can be stressful to parent a teenager with mental health concerns and you may have very different ideas about how to approach the situation. Additionally, married parents may find that you're so focused on getting your teen the help they need that you don't have much time or energy left over for your partner.

And finally…Let’s Address Parental Self-Blame

Another struggle parents may experience when they see their teenager struggling is self-blame. It's easy to feel guilty when your teen is struggling with mental health issues. But parental self-blame isn't the answer for supporting a teen with mental health problems. When a child is struggling, it's often easy to wonder what you could have done differently. You may feel like you're not cut out for this parenting gig or that you're just failing miserably.

Honestly, when I was early in my career I wanted to find a common thread among parents of teens who really struggled with mental health concerns. Why? Because I knew one day I would be a parent. And if I could just find what these parents were doing “wrong” I could avoid that and ensure my own children would be well adjusted. But that’s just not reality.

After 10+ years of working with teenagers who have depression, anxiety, PTSD and other mental health concerns I’ve learned that there is no magic formula you could’ve implemented as a parent. It’s not that you don’t have an impact on your teen’s mental health. You absolutely do. And a therapist can work with both of you on your relationship so that you’re able to really help them.

But…..it’s been my experience that teens can struggle with significant anxiety, depression or other mental health problems no matter how amazing their parents were. So, blaming yourself for your teens struggles will only keep you stuck in the midst of the pain. Instead, recognize that parenting is hard and you’ve done the best you can up until this point. And now, you are ready to continue doing your best, look for new solutions to try and reach out for professional help if needed.

How can a counselor help?

None of these struggles are easy but they are all normal and valid. Remember that you aren't alone in this and there are people who can help. Seek out support from your partner, friends, family, and professionals to make this journey a little bit easier. Sometimes, a therapist can be a huge support during this difficult part of your parenting journey. They may understand some of what your child is struggling with, but they also understand the impact that is having on you. A therapist can offer an unbiased ear, help you find new ways to communicate with your teenager or others in your life, help you set appropriate boundaries, and give you new ways to cope with this stress.

If you live in Missouri, our therapists would love to help. We work with both teenagers and their parents. Sometimes, we'll even have different therapists see different family members and collaborate as needed. We have remote clinicians working all over the state using telehealth and are also able to offer in-person counseling sessions at our office in Columbia, MO, or at a local park in either Union, MO or the Kansas City area.

About the Author

Jessica Tappana is the founder of Aspire Counseling. She believes deeply in the power of psychotherapy to transform lives and is dedicated to helping more people get effective counseling services. Clinically, Jessica works with clients ranging in age from preteens through retirement. Most of her current work is focused on helping people with significant anxiety or overwhelming stress. She also has spent many years specializing in offering trauma therapy including PTSD treatment for survivors of sexual assault.

Now, while Jessica still sees a number of individual counseling clients each week, much of her time is also spent supporting the other counselors at our practice. She believes therapists are best able to help their clients when their own needs are met. Therefore, it’s critical for Aspire Counseling to empower and support each of our clinicians.