Tips for Parents of Teenagers
As a therapist, I love working with teenagers. It’s a time of self discovery and personal growth. Teenagers are trying on different values and identities and trying to figure out who they are as an individual. Honestly, I’ve always enjoyed working with teenagers and much of my pre-private practice career was spent working with teens in other settings.
However, as a parent of young children myself I’m intimidated by the idea of actually parenting a teenager. I can imagine how scary it might be when my children start trying on those other values all as I’m losing my ability to influence their behavior.
Thinking about the unique stressors of raising a teenager and recent conversations I’ve had with parents of teenagers (both clients and friends), I became curious this week about what advice other professionals are giving parents. I posted in a Facebook group full of awesome mental health clinicians and here were some of the responses:
Advice for parents of teens from mental health professionals from around the country:
Learn to as much as you can about “anger in Teens.” Specifically look for help understanding, “what may lurk beneath the surface, and how to best respond”
-Jonathan Kittel from Wellspring Counseling
“Learn how to regulate your own emotions before trying to get your kid to regulate theirs”
-Laura Goldstein from Montgomery County Counseling Center
“Let them have their feelings and don’t try to fix it. Hormones are raging in them right now and they may be having bigger feelings than a situation warrants. Show them you are a safe person to have their feelings with by listening, not judging, not telling them to calm down, and not trying to fix!”
-Amanda Holmberg from Radiant Living Therapy
“Have your tweens and teens turn their devices in to you before bed. Devices go to bed when you go to bed. Sleep is so important for teens and many that I work with are not getting nearly enough. Most say that they are in their phone scrolling social media while they are in bed. And then, many get woken up by texts in the middle of the night, which disrupts their sleep further. Sleep Hygiene is so very important! Get them a real life paper book and have them read to fall asleep. Teach a love of reading and sleep hygiene all at once!”
-Melissa Mellon LMFT from Moxie Family Therapy
“Find simple ways to engage with them (a shared show, a new hobby). This not only builds trust and connection that helps them and you weather the bigger storms, you may learn something new! That, and like all phases of development, the teen years are temporary.”
-Sharon Fisher MS, ANP-BC, PMHNP-BC, PMH-C from Nurtured Well
“Don't provide access to your teenagers favorite things (video games, cell phones) for free and don't remove them as a punishment. Rather, have screen time be earned for homework completion, chores, or good attitude, whatever you want to see more of.”
-Janice Smith from Fit Learning St. Louis
“Trust them. Give them responsibilities and don't expect them to fail (they can tell when you do). Focus on how they feel when they accomplish something not just you (e.g. "wow that must feel good to have worked so hard and it paid off" vs. "I'm so happy you did that,"). If they do fail, normalize it and help them problem solve for next time. Helping them learn to cope and problem solve is more important then getting it right every time.”
-Lindsay Clendaniel from Thinking Tree Psychology
“Validate feelings, don’t try so hard getting them to like you, have clear expectations and boundaries, communicate unconditional love.”
-Tanner Enderle fro Ataraxis Counseling
“Many parents often wonder why their teenagers won't open up to them, why they won't share their pains with them. I often ask parents, if they share their emotions with other members of the family. Many parents say no. My advice to parents is that regulated and calm emotional expression is a learned experience. If you, as the parent, don't share your emotions with your partner of with the family in a safe, healthy way, then the child will struggle with a similar issue. Learning how to express emotions, who to turn to and what to do, starts with the parents.”
-April Brown from The Heard Counseling
"One thing that I have seen parents do that is helpful is to prioritize one on one time with their teen. Take them to lunch, a movie, or another enjoyable activity. Some parents schedule the time out and commit to once a week one on one time. Others are more organic in their approach but ensure they spend two to three moments of one on one time with their teen a month.
Our teens see how busy we are. When they see that we make them a priority, it can strengthen our relationship with them. It also provides opportunities for us as parents to check in with our teens and open lines of communication."
-Jason Drake from Katy Teen and Family Counseling
Support for Parents in Missouri
The truth is parenting is tough. And parenting teenagers comes with it’s own, unique set of challenges. If you are looking for support for yourself or your teenager and live anywhere in the state of Missouri, the therapists at Aspire Counseling may be able to help. We offer therapy in person in Mid Missouri but also serve people from all areas of the state through online therapy. Our therapists are highly skilled and can help with a wide range of concerns from depression, anxiety, trauma, grief and more. This is a complicated journey, but you don’t have to walk it alone.
