Every day, you wake up and you remember that you don’t look and feel the way you want to. Every other moment you’re body checking, looking at how clothes fit on you, and giving in to the negative thoughts. Time and time again, you just feel unsatisfied, unhappy, and wish you looked absolutely perfect. It's hard not to give in to the negative thoughts when social media tells you, you should look one way, family members constantly comment on food and your body, or friends who are super skinny comment about how they are oh so big. Your mind is swirling and you just want to lose the weight, gain the weight, or find contentment as you are. It's not as simple as reframing your thoughts, thinking positive, and loving yourself as you are. You are just not happy with yourself. You don’t feel like yourself, you’re grieving how you used to look, and it seems harder and harder each year to reach your goals, lose or gain the weight, and keep the size of your body consistent. 

Here are some truths you probably already know:

• Losing or gaining weight isn’t going to make you happier

• Weight isn’t everything

• Losing or gaining weight isn’t going to solve the problem

You probably already know these things. You’ve told yourself these things. Rationally, you know this, but physically, mentally, and emotionally, you can’t stop hating what you see in the mirror. The is a sense that your body is just never going to be good enough because you have personally never experienced loving your body as it is. Perhaps, you can look back to a brief time when you had a positive experience and it is what you’re longing for, but you just struggle time and time again to adhere to diets and exercise. Nothing seems to work. 

As an individual who struggles with being able to take up space as a black woman, let alone a curvy one, I get it. We are fed this idea that we must always be improving and growing and never be content with what we have. So how do we begin to better love ourselves and our bodies despite the messages we are receiving from everyone and everything around us?

Steps to take to prepare yourself for the healing process:

Grieve and grieve hard

It is so challenging to accept and love yourself when you have continued time and time again to not love and accept yourself as you are. Often when we give up body expectations, size, food, and who we used to be, we skip the part of grieving that comes before acceptance. In DBT we talk about radical acceptance, you don't have to like it, but you need to accept and come to terms with it. However, you can experience anger, disappointment, denial, fear, and so much more before you get to acceptance. Cry, scream, be angry, you are allowed to have these emotions. Sometimes we feel we have to hide them deep down. If you struggle with emotional eating, often we use food to stuff down our emotions rather than feeling them. Feel them and feel them fiercely. This is a necessary part of healing.

Begin to Understand Your Own Physiology

The Hypothalamus and the Fat Thermostat

Without taking you through a physiology lesson, we have to understand that our bodies have accepted a certain body fat or weight to maintain homeostasis at this current moment. When we try to add or subtract to it, the body freaks out. It doesn’t know what is happening. All it knows is that there is a set point it wants to maintain to keep you living. When we start to lose weight, for example, the body freaks out and the hypothalamus ( the fat thermometer) tries to maintain and not let us lose this weight. You may see this as discouraging, but it's the body's way of keeping us safe. However, as we know we are flexible individuals. Therefore, over time the body will accept the new set point. However, on our end that means consistency. It takes the hypothalamus 6 months minimum to a year to reset its fat set point to a point the body feels safe.

Stress

The role of stress and keeping on weight or losing it is significant. When we are highly stressed, cortisol levels increase and while cortisol levels are not a bad thing, too much stress causes an overproduction of cortisol. This causes tissues to break down and increases the likelihood of getting sick, losing, or gaining weight depending on the genetics of your body.

Genetics

Lastly, the reason why you need to understand is that you cannot all look the same as Instagram models or your friends and whatnot. We all have different genetics. Many dietitians, nutritionists, and ED therapists believe in weight acceptance and weight neutrality. We are not trying to have you lose or gain weight. Instead, we need to understand how we feel in our bodies. Even if you are slimmer or bigger-boned, that's okay, we are made that way. However, we have to understand what our bodies are capable of doing healthily instead of enforcing it in an unhealthy way.

Stop trying to fit into the past

• Stop saying “ I will not get rid of these clothes because I want to fit into them”. One thing that people often do is have goal clothes. “Oh I used to fit into this and I want to get back done to this weight”. Was that weight when you were 16 and now you’re 24? Our bodies are changing and that's ok. If you’re trying to fit into a past body size and it's not healthy or realistic to you, you are setting yourself up for failure. Talk to yourself and ponder things like:

  1. How do I feel in my body?

  2. What feels good?

  3. What doesn’t feel good?

  4. Is what I am doing healthy for me?

  5. Will I be able to maintain this change?

Find support

It's so embarrassing and takes humbling, but find a support network. You may be wondering “where do I find support and a network around me?”. That is a great question. Talk with your friends. Even if you are unsure how to frame the conversation, opening it up for discussion that you need support is a great place to start. If you don’t have close support, talk with family, friends at school, or a trusted co-worker. Lastly, look up local and online support groups. Many can provide you support. Whether that is with emotional eating, nutrition counseling, an eating disorder, or body image issues.

Get into therapy

Why choose therapy for emotional eating and body image issues? Here is the thing. Much of the time issues with a food break down to trauma and emotions. When we are stuck in chronic stress our body doesn’t know what to do with the emotions. Thus you may hide your emotions and trauma in food to prevent yourself from sitting with the feelings. An eating disorder therapist can help you slowly and safely process and sit with these uncomfortable feelings. I will never say that this is easy, but it is a necessary step in the right direction.

Do your own research and personal work

Understanding what you are dealing with matters. It is not enough to change. You must be willing to understand how you got here and what is needed to move through it. Psychoeducation is a key tenant in counseling because you should be an informed consumer of therapy. Things that can aid you in your journey include getting a workbook, journal, and learning about how trauma, stress, and anxiety play into emotional eating and body image issues. If you don’t know where to start, then let’s talk, a therapist can help you find a good starting place.

Begin Counseling for Body Image and Emotional Eating Support!

You do not need to struggle with this alone. I know that the thoughts and the relationship you have with food feels impossible to overcome. Healing and a new narrative is possible to attain. If you need support, call about client coordinator to find the best therapy fit for you at Aspire Counseling in Missouri. Learn about our team to see if you have a preference in how you’d like to work. And start feeling more in control and develop a better understanding of how you got here. I am honored and humbled to help you through this time.

About the Author

Jasmine Jaquess is a counselor-in-training and a Northwestern University Counseling Intern at Aspire Counseling under the supervision of our clinical director, Jessica Tappana. Jasmine has a bachelor’s degree in Kinesiology and a psychology degree from Truman State University and is passionate about holistic wellness. Jasmine is currently focusing her training and experience on anxiety treatment, depression, DBT-informed Skills training, body image, emotional eating, and athletes. Additionally, she is helping young adults and professionals with high functioning anxiety.

As a young professional herself balancing a full-time job, this part-time internship, and a Master’s Degree program, Jasmine certainly understands the importance of finding balance, respecting your own needs at any given moment, and using a variety of skills to manage stress. In the future, she is interested in specializing her counseling training in trauma, adoption, and disordered eating.