When it comes to getting what we need at work, many of us feel anxious. It can be tough to know how to ask for what you need without feeling like you're imposing or being pushy. And if you've had past experiences where a boss or colleague didn't respond well to your request, it can be even more difficult. This is where the DBT skill "DEARMAN" comes in handy. DEARMAN is a specific formula for asking for what you need that can make the process less intimidating. In this blog post, we'll go over exactly what DEARMAN is and how to use it to get your needs met at work!

What is DEARMAN?

DEARMAN is an acronym that stands for different components of a really effective process for asking for what you want. More specifically, DEAR stands for Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce. And MAN stands for Mindfully, Appear confident & Negotiate.

Why would I use DEARMAN at work?

There are lots of reasons you might need to ask for something at work. Maybe you need more resources to complete a project, or you're feeling overwhelmed and need some help from your team. Maybe you're not being given the opportunity to do the work you want to be doing, or you feel like you're not being compensated fairly. Whatever the case may be, using the DEARMAN formula can help you make your request in a way that is more likely to get you what you need.

How do I use DEARMAN at work?

You can use DEARMAN at work anytime you need to ask a boss, colleague, client or other person for something at work. Or, you can use it to say no effectively when you need to set a boundary.

Let's break down each component:

D: Describe the Situation in a Factual Way

The "D" in DEARMAN stands for describing the situation. When you're describing the situation, it's important to stick to the facts. This is not the time to express your feelings or make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Simply describe what is happening in a clear and concise way.

I like to start with only describing the facts you and the other person can both agree on. The facts that aren't controversial but are what you are reacting to. This is the factual things you have an opinion about. You're laying the foundation here for the next few steps. 

Example:  "The last three times people have called out, I've stayed late. Tonight, my kids need to be picked up from school and then take them to soccer practice. There are no other adults in my household available to take them in my place." These are all facts. They shouldn't be controversial. But stating these facts will help set up what you need in the next steps.

E: Express Your Feelings About the Situation

The "E" in DEARMAN stands for expressing your feelings about the situation. This is where you can start to share how the situation is affecting you.  It can be helpful to use "I" statements. For example, you might say something like: "I'm feeling really overwhelmed and stressed out." or "I'm feeling frustrated because I don't feel like I have the resources I need to do my job."

Also, be as specific as possible about your feelings. For example, instead of saying "I'm angry," you could say "I feel frustrated because I'm not being given the opportunity to do the work I want to be doing."

Lastly, it's important to point out that you can't assume the other person knows how you feel.  Just because your feelings seem like a logical, natural reaction to the facts stated above doesn't mean the other person from their perspective is drawing that connection. You need to actually tell them how you're feeling.

A: Assert What You Need or Want from the other person

The "A" in DEARMAN stands for asserting what you need or want. This is where you state clearly and concisely what it is you need or want from the other person. Remember, you can't assume they know what you need or want, even if it seems obvious to you.

The ask here should be direct and short. Be clear about what you need or want but try not to make it too long or complicated. You don't want to overwhelm or confuse the other person.

For example, if a policy at work seems really unfair, you wouldn't want to just describe the confusion and hope you're boss makes what seems like an obvious change. Instead, your ask might be, "Would you consider _______________?" Just lay it out there and directly state what you're hoping for.

R: Reinforce Why It's Important For You to Get What You're Asking For

The "R" in DEARMAN stands for reinforcing why it's important for you to get what you're asking for. This is where you remind the other person of the stakes involved. What will happen if you don't get what you're asking for? How does what you're asking for benefit everyone involved?

Try to think in "win-win" terms. How you getting your needs met actually benefits everyone even if on the surface it might not seem that way.

For example, if you're asking for a raise, you might say something like "I know that right now the company is tight on money, but a raise would really help me cover some unexpected expenses. I'd be able to work even harder and put in even more hours if I didn't have to worry about making ends meet every month. Plus, it would send a message to me that you value my work and appreciate all that I do for the company."

This is where you start to lay out why it's important for the other person to give you what you're asking for.

M: be Mindful throughout the conversation

The "MAN" part of DEARMAN is more about how you ask for what you need. The "M" stands for being mindful throughout the conversation. This means being aware of both your tone and your body language.

Your tone should be respectful, confident, and reassuring. You want to come across as someone who is reasonable and logical, not someone who is angry or emotional.

Your body language should be open and inviting. Make sure you're not crossing your arms or legs, which can make you seem closed off or unapproachable. Instead, try to relax and keep an open posture.

Another important component of being mindful is simply staying on topic. Have you ever noticed how you can go into a conversation with one intention and end up talking about something totally different and then realize you never actually finished talking about the original topic? Unfortunately, that's not very helpful in getting your needs met.

If you start a conversation intending to ask for more staffing on a specific shift, you want to make sure that concern is directly addressed.  If the conversation starts to veer off in another direction, try to bring it back to the original topic. Sometimes, you may even have to feel a bit like a broken record repeating the same request a couple of times.

A: Appear Confident

The "A" in DEARMAN stands for appearing confident. You can have the best intentions and the best argument for why you should get what you're asking for, but if you don't appear confident, it's all for nothing.

That's because when you appear confident, it signals that what you're requesting shouldn't be hard to grant. It signals that you know what you want and need. That you've given this thought and really mean the request you are making.

So how do you appear confident? Start by keeping your head up, standing or sitting up straight, making direct eye contact, and speaking loudly and clearly. It might feel a bit awkward at first, especially if you don't feel confident on the inside. But the more you practice, the easier it will become. And eventually, it will start to feel more natural.

*A quick note about neurodiversity:  if you have social anxiety or another condition that makes it difficult for you to make eye contact, that's okay. Just do the best you can and don't worry about it too much. The most important thing is that you are respectful and confident in your tone of voice.

N: Negotiate a Solution

The "N" in DEARMAN stands for negotiating a solution. This is where you remember that you aren't demanding anything, you're asking for something.

If the person you're speaking with isn't on board with your request, it may help to remember the phrase "give to get". You might need to alter your request as you start to better understand the other person's reasons for initially saying no.

So, go in ready to have a conversation about how you might be able to resolve the problem together in a way that helps both of you. Maybe even go in with a couple of different ideas of what you "negotiate" might be or alternative solutions to the issue. Just make sure you're also open-minded to any solutions the other person might think of as well after you've described the facts of the situation and your feelings.

Putting it all together: An Example of Using DEARMAN to ask your boss for a schedule change

Let's say you're a college student who was hired to work on a specific shift, but this semester has a different class schedule and needs to change their hours. You could use the DEARMAN formula to have a conversation with your boss about this change. What you say might look something like this:

"I was originally hired to work the afternoon shift and have consistently worked that shift for the last 3 months. This semester, my classes have changed, and I have several in the afternoons. The afternoons are the only times these required courses are offered. I'm worried about how these changes will affect my work and feeling stressed about balancing both school and work.

I need to change my regular work hours? Can we discuss what options are available? I am still committed to this job, and if we're able to find a schedule that works around my classes, I'll be able to continue doing great work here.

Asking for what you need is hard

That's just a fact. It's normal to be anxious asking a boss or even a colleague for something. By using the DEARMAN formula, you can increase your chances of successfully asking for what you need at work. So next time you're feeling nervous about making a request, remember DEARMAN and go for it! You might be surprised at how willing people are to help when you ask in the right way.

Do you have any tips for asking for what you need at work? Share them in the comments below!

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About the Author

Jessica Tappana  is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) in Missouri who specializes in helping individuals with anxiety disorders, OCD and trauma. The first treatment modality Jessica ever learned with Dialectical Behavior Therapy back in 2009 which is where she learned the DEARMAN skill. She loves teaching this particular skill to clients as well as using it herself when she has to ask for things in her own life. Jessica is passionate about mental health advocacy and provides therapy to teenagers and adults of all ages in her private practice, Aspire Counseling. You can learn more about Jessica by visiting the Aspire Counseling website or following Aspire on Facebook.