DBT Tool: DEARMAN
Throughout life, there are many moments where we have to make requests for things we want and need. Maybe you need your spouse to help out more around the house. Or, maybe you’re wanting to talk to your boss about a raise. Maybe you want to talk to your kids about completing their homework before playing video games.
Making requests to get what we want and need is a crucial part of life. Unfortunately, it can feel pretty daunting asking for things we need!
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT, has a very helpful tool for moments when we need to make a request, no matter how big or small. This tool is meant to help maintain healthy relationships, while also getting your wants and needs met.
So how do we ask someone for something we need? Follow DEARMAN:
D: Describe
The D in DEARMAN stands for ‘describe.’ This is important because this is often a barrier to getting what we want and need; our requests may be too vague. Try to describe what you’re needing on concrete, measurable terms.
For example, rather than simply asking your spouse, “Please help me clean the house,” try to break it down into specific tasks. It may look like this: “Please help me by putting away the dishes and the laundry on Monday afternoon.”
Breaking down our request into smaller, measurable pieces makes it more likely that our request will be met. Don’t assume that your spouse is going to know what “cleaning the house” means for you.
E: Express
The next step is E, which stands for ‘express.’ Express how a situation makes you feel. Oftentimes when we ask something of someone, we assume that they understand our reasoning. This assumption can cause pain in the future when our request goes unmet.
For example, in asking your spouse to help with the dishes and laundry, you may say something like: “I feel very stressed because I don’t think I’ll be able to get these tasks done on my own. I would feel very grateful and less stressed if you could help me with this.”
Try to stick with “I” statements in this part. Avoid statements that start with you, such as “You need to put away the dishes.” “You” statements can put people on the defensive and make it more difficult to get our wants and needs met.
A: Assert
Oftentimes in making requests, the first few steps of DEARMAN are enough. We leave the interaction with our friend or loved one, and they follow through on completing whatever we need of them. However, sometimes, the person you’re talking to may not want to adhere to the request!
This is where the A in DEARMAN comes in handy. A stands for ‘assert.’ In other words, don’t beat around the bush! Maybe your spouse gives an uncertain answer, such as, “I don’t know if I’ll be able to.” Acknowledge the uncertainty, and try to find a solid answer. Maybe your spouse doesn’t think they’ll be able to do it because they have to work late that day. Or maybe they think they’ll be too tired after work to help. Find out the reasoning behind their uncertainty, and work together to find a solution.
R: Reinforce
The R in DEARMAN stands for reinforce, meaning that we praise when people follow through on our requests. If your spouse puts away the dishes and laundry after you asked, be sure to say ‘thank you.’ You may even say something like, “Thank you so much for doing that. That took a lot of stress off my shoulders.”
A simple thank you goes a long way in reinforcing, or encouraging, behavior. It also acknowledges the time and energy someone has put into helping us.
M: Be Mindful
The M in DEARMAN stands for being mindful, meaning that we need to keep our goal in mind. In following our example, your goal in talking to your spouse is to get the dishes and laundry put away.
Sometimes when we approach someone to make a request, we can get sidetracked. Maybe your spouse had a rough day at work and is needing some emotional support. Maybe the conversation brings up other tasks which need to be completed, such as walking the dog or picking up the kids from school. Remember to keep your goal in mind to ensure that you actually ask for what you’re needing!
This part also reminds us to be mindful of the time and place you approach someone to talk. Depending on the size of your request, you may have to work to get a good opportunity lined up for the conversation. If it’s after a hard day at work, or after a family emergency, people may feel drained. They may not be able to respond as calmly or effectively as they would normally. Keep these factors in mind when deciding if it’s a good time to make a request of someone.
A: Appear Confident
The secondary A in DEARMAN stands for ‘appear confident.’ When making a request, maintain eye contact with the other person. Speak clearly and effectively. Monitor your tone and volume of voice. Remember to remain calm rather than reactive.
Sometimes making a request, such as asking our spouse to put away the dishes, can come across as a punishment. Maybe you’ve asked them before to put the dishes away and they haven’t followed through. Remember, you and the person you’re talking to are working together to solve a problem. If either you or the other person go onto the defense, the likelihood of meeting that goal decreases.
At the same time, don’t be ashamed that you are asking for help with something. Needing help, no matter how big or small, is a natural part of life!
N: Negotiate
The final aspect of DEARMAN is N, which stands for ‘negotiate.’ Be open to alternative solutions. Maybe your spouse is able to put the dishes away, but wants to put the laundry away together. Maybe your spouse can’t do it on the specific day and time you want, but later in the week.
Be open to compromise in order to meet your goals.
Therapy at Aspire
If you try out the DEARMAN tool with friends and loved ones, and feel that your requests are going unheard or unmet, reach out for help. Our team of therapists can work with you to help get your needs met, no matter how big or small. At our Columbia, MO counseling practice, we have several therapists who specialize in Dialectical Behavior Therapy and would love to work with you. They can help you master the DEARMAN acronym and all of the other techniques that DBT entails. To get started with DBT in Columbia, MO, contact us.
Other Blog Posts About DBT Skills:
DBT isn’t your cup of tea?
At Aspire Counseling, we are huge fans of DBT. In fact, more than half of our therapists have been fully trained in and used DBT in the past even if they aren’t active on a consultation team right now. However, we also know DBT isn’t for everyone. Luckily, we offer other services as well. In addition to DBT, our therapists offer other types of evidence based counseling such as EMDR, Prolonged Exposure, Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, depression counseling, anxiety treatment, LGBTQ+ affirming care, grief counseling and so much more. So, whatever your specific mental health concern is, please reach out and a member of our client care team will see if we have a therapist who is a good fit.
