How to Come Out as LGBTQIA as an Adult: Tips from a Therapist

June is LGBTQIA Pride Month, and it's a time when many people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning (LGBTQIA), as well as their friends and families, celebrate their identities and lives. For some people, this month is a joyous time of year. But for others, it can be a difficult time – especially if they are thinking about coming out as LGBTQIA for the first time. If you're an adult considering coming out this year, here are some tips from a Missouri therapist who is affirming of all genders & sexual orientations that might help make the process a little bit easier.

You can come out at any stage of life

Photo by Tim Bieler on Unsplash downloaded 6/17/22

Sometimes, I feel like it may be easier for teens and young people to come out. I mean, that's certainly not always the case! However,  I often see young people who are exploring their identities and they seem to have an easier time taking risks, being more fluid in their thinking, and navigating a world that isn't always so accepting of them. As an adult, you may feel like you've already missed your chance to come out. Maybe you feel like it's too late, or that you've already made too many commitments in your life – like to your job or your family – that make coming out seem impossible. But it's never too late to live your truth.

Truly, you can come out at any stage of life. Even after many years of marriage. Even after you're long since retired.  It's never too late to be who you are.

Coming out as an adult may have unique challenges

Of course, coming out later in life can come with its own set of challenges. You may have things to lose that a teenager doesn't such as you may be worried about the impact on your job, your marriage or children. Or you may feel like you're too old to start living a "new" life. But again, it's never too late. You are never too old to be yourself.

In fact, coming out and living more authentically even later in life can be incredibly powerful.  It can be a way to model for younger generations that it's never too late to be who you are meant to be. It can also help break down barriers and assumptions about what it means to be LGBTQIA.

There is no "right" way to come out

First and foremost, it's important to remember that there is no one "right" way to come out. You can do it in a way that feels comfortable and safe for you, whether that means coming out to just a few close friends or family members, or coming out publicly on social media. There is no wrong way to do it – as long as you are being true to yourself.

Only you understand the unique circumstances in your own life. And while you may not always be able to predict exactly how coming out will impact various areas of your life,  know that you have the strength to handle whatever comes your way.

Think about your safety first

Before coming out, it's important to think about your safety and well-being first. If you're worried that coming out might put you in danger, it's OK to take your time or not come out at all. There are many support groups and resources available for LGBTQIA people, so you can always reach out for help if you're feeling unsafe.

You don't have to come out to everyone at once

Honestly, this goes hand in hand with the safety thing. Sometimes, it may be more safe (physically or emotionally) to come out in some settings or not others. For instance, a therapist or a close friend may be one of the first people you talk to as you explore your gender identity or sexuality because it feels safer.

And, let's be honest that not everywhere is safe, particularly in some parts of the country and many parts of Missouri fall into that category. Unfortunately, there are many parts of Missouri where people who are LGBTQ+ simply aren't safe.  And you don't have to put yourself in those unsafe situations.

You don't have to do it alone

If you are ready to start coming out and living more authentically,  know that you don't have to do it alone. There are many resources available to help you through the process of self discovery, including books, articles, support groups, and more.

And when you're ready to start having those difficult conversations? Start with a friend or therapist or someone you feel relatively safe with. Then, consider practicing or role playing with that safe person how you'll broach the topic with others.

Photo by Helena Hertz on Unsplash downloaded 6/18/22

You don't have to "label" yourself

One of the great things about coming out as an adult is that you get to decide how much or how little you want to label yourself. If you're not sure about your sexuality or gender identity, that's OK! You can take your time exploring these parts of yourself, and there's no rush to put a label on it.

You don’t have to have it all figured out now

This one is especially important for people who are exploring their gender identity or sexuality for the first time. The bottom line is that changes as you grow and move toward more self discovery are OK! Your identity can change over time, and there's no shame in that. I've certainly known people who come out as gay or lesbian and then discover that they're actually more bisexual or pansexual. I've even known people who came out as gender fluid and later said actually they identify as a trans female or trans male.  All of this is part of the process of self discovery. And it's ok. So, just don't put too much pressure on yourself to define exactly who you are all at once. We’re all on a journey and part of yours may be continuing to explore your sexual orientation or gender identity.

Seek out affirming resources 

There are many great resources available for LGBTQIA people, so seek them out! There are also many affirming therapists (like the therapists at Aspire Counseling), doctors (we know several in Mid Missouri we can recommend), and other professionals who can provide support. 

LGBTQ+ Affirming Resources in Missouri

For example, in Missouri, there is a statewide professional organization called PROMO that advocates for LGBTQIA rights and provides resources for the community. Also, in Mid Missouri, we have the Center Project. Or in the KC metro area they have the Kansas City Center for Inclusion.  Also, many campuses have LGBTQ organizations such as the LGBTQ+ Resource Center at MU or these resources for LGBTQ student and faculty at Wash U in St. Louis.

You don't have to come out if you're not ready

Also, it's important to state that there is no timeline for coming out, and you shouldn't feel pressure to do it if you're not ready. You may feel so wrapped up in the excitement of Pride Month that it feels like you're "supposed" to come out this month. But, it's OK to take your time – there is no rush.

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash downloaded 6/17/22

Have a plan for self care

Honestly, even when coming out goes relatively well you can have a bit of a  vulnerability hangover afterwards. It's emotionally exhausting. And, even people in your life who want to be supportive may ask invasive questions or say things they don't realize are offensive. So,  have a plan for self care after you come out. This might look like taking some time for yourself, talking to a therapist, or reaching out to affirming friends.

Just be kind to yourself. Acknowledge how difficult this process is. And know that needing to give yourself a little extra TLC is normal and will help you get through the initial stress of coming out.

LGBTQ+ Affirming Counseling in Missouri

These are just a few things to keep in mind as you navigate your way through coming out. Remember, there is no wrong way to do it. The most important thing is that you do what feels right for you and that you seek out affirming resources and people.

If you're looking for LGBTQ+ affirming counseling in Missouri, please reach out to Aspire Counseling. Our therapists would be more than happy to support you on your journey. We offer counseling services for trauma, depression, anxiety, grief, major life changes, OCD & more in a LGBTQIA+ affirming environment. We always want clients of all genders & sexual orientations to feel safe and welcome at our counseling practice.  You can begin therapy by reaching out on our website or by giving us a call at (573) 328-2288 and our intake coordinator will take the time to pair you with a therapist who will be a great fit. We hope to hear from you soon!

Pride Month may only last a month, but it's never too late to come out. If you're thinking about it , we hope these tips are helpful. And remember, you can always reach out to our therapists for support.

About the Author

Jessica Tappana, therapist at Aspire Counseling, along with working with those struggling with anxiety, OCD, and much more she is also a strong alley for the LGBTQ+ community, and also offers gender affirming services, along with having a strong team of counselors who are also allies.

Jessica Tappana is a cis, straight, white female. However, she has loved ones who identify as various genders and sexual orientations and has called herself an “accidental advocate” for the LGBTQ+ community. Since she was a teenager, she knew she wanted to be an ally. But she thought her lack of lived, personal experience meant she wasn’t qualified to speak up on behalf of the LGBTQ+ community. Until she found herself in spaces early in her career where nobody was advocating for LGBTQ+ clients. Then, she knew she had to stand up. That she couldn’t wait for someone else “more qualified” to stand up. And that the burden to speak up shouldn’t fall on members of the LGBTQ+ community, but that even as a straight, cis woman her voice could help. So she did stand up. And she kept standing. She sought out (and continues to regularly seek out) trainings specific to the LGBTQ community (and preferably those trainings given by people with lived experience), consulted with experts in the field from out of state, spoke up against unfair policies in previous workplaces and, most importantly, constantly listens to those who are LGBTQ+ acknowledging her own inherent privilege. And, she is always seeking to better understand and better support those around her. Since the day it was formed, it has been important that people of all genders and sexual orientations feel welcome at Aspire Counseling and she is constantly looking for ways to serve even more of the LGBTQ population. Jessica hires LGBTQ+ affirming clinicians and every member of our team now has experience working with clients who are both gender diverse and of varying sexual orientations.