Teen Grief: Tips from a Teen Counselor for Coping with Loss and Bereavement
Grief is difficult at any age. It’s hard to make sense of loss. One minute, someone or something very important to us is playing this key role in our life. The next, they’re gone. And with them, gone are shared memories, rituals and plans for the future. Things change.
When you’re a teenager grief seems to have a unique feel to it. Here you are trying to make sense of life to start with. You’re trying to figure out who you are. And when you’re grieving a loved one, it’s like you’re trying to figure out who you are with a piece of the puzzle missing. Sometimes, it’s a small piece. Sometimes it’s a big piece that’s missing. But the point is, your challenge is to keep putting together the puzzle of who you are despite this missing piece and often with what seems like less support. Where you’re grieving the loss of a parent, grandparent, sibling, extended family member, teacher or friend-loss hurts.
Understanding Your Grief
Grief can be an incredibly challenging and overwhelming emotion, especially when you're a teenager. It's important to remember that everyone's journey through loss is unique. Whether you've lost a parent, sibling, friend, or another significant person in your life, the pain can feel unbearable at times. In this article, we'll explore some common questions and emotions related to teen grief and offer guidance on how to cope.
What is the Right Way to Grieve as a Teenager?
I was in graduate school when my dad was dying. I’d experienced grief before, but this was more intense and different. I was experiencing what is called anticipatory grief where I was already grieving the loss of my dad before he even passed away. I was grieving the loss of what I expected our future to look like (I always figured he’d live well into his 80s) and as I watched him decline, I grieved the little losses like our ability to travel together.
So, I remember talking to a grief counselor as part of my internship. I asked her, “What is the right way to grieve?” Basically, I knew even worse grief was coming when he died and wanted to be prepared. I hoped she’d give me a nice list of dos and don’ts. But she gently explained that there is no right or wrong when it comes to grief. That I’d get through it the best I could and that was ok.
There's no handbook for grief, and it's normal to feel lost. The truth is, there's no "right" way to grieve. Grief is a highly personal experience, and it's okay to feel a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, confusion, and even moments of joy when you remember the good times. The key is to allow yourself to feel without judgment.
Since losing my own dad years ago, I’ve walked beside many teens and college students struggling with grief. I’ve witnessed firsthand that the grief counselor I spoke to years ago was right. Everyone’s grief looks different. And, it’s something we each have to face. In fact, each relationship we grieve is different so how you feel and cope when one person dies might be totally different than the next time someone dies.
How Long Does Grief Last?
Grief is not something that has a set timeline. It's a process that can last for weeks, months, or even years. It's essential to remember that healing takes time. It's okay if you find yourself still grieving long after the loss. What's important is to seek support and not rush the process.
Why Does It Feel Like My Friends Are Avoiding Me?
During grief, you might notice that your friends seem distant or unsure of how to interact with you. Over the years, I’ve seen this happen time and time again. And it can make grief feel even heavier.
This can be because they are unsure of how to support you or worry about saying the wrong thing. The truth is that many of your peers may not have experienced a significant loss in their own life yet. So, they may feel really anxious talking to you. They might be afraid of making you feel worse. Or, they may just simply not understand. There also may be friends who see your loss and it reminds them of mortality and makes them sad realizing they too could lose someone.
Grief can also make you feel isolated and distant from others, which might be affecting your friendships.
If you’re friends feel more distant, know that you’re not alone. This is not an unusual experience. Try reaching out to them and showing them that you’re still you and still want to spend time together. Also, make sure you find trusted adults you can talk to about your grief because it is important you have a safe space to process your loss.
What Do I Say to a Friend Who Is Grieving?
If you have a friend who is grieving, the most crucial thing you can do is be there for them. Offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or even just your presence. You don't need to have all the right words; sometimes, knowing you care is enough. You may even say to your friend, “I can see you’re hurting right now, and I want to help. But I don’t know the right thing to say.” This can be a great way to open the conversation. You can offer to listen to them talk about the person they’ve lost or you can offer to be the friend they hang out with when they want to think about '“normal” teenage things to get their mind off the loss.
How Should I Act at a Funeral?
Funerals can be overwhelming, especially when you're grieving. And as a young person, you may not have a lot of experience going to funerals. It's essential to remember that there's no "right" way to act. Be yourself and allow your emotions to flow naturally. It's okay to cry, to share stories, or even to find moments of levity amid the sadness.
Remember my dad that I spoke about earlier? He was a pretty smart guy. He used to say that funerals are for the living. That it’s someone who has died’s last gift to their loved ones. A funeral brings people together because they cared about the same person. Sometimes, there’s a little drama because emotions are running high. But the important thing is that this is a time to celebrate the life of the person you cared about. Funerals can be a very important part of processing the loss.
What if I Don’t Want to go to the Funeral?
First, whatever you’re feeling right now is ok. And if you’re wanting to avoid the funeral, that makes a lot of sense. Your brain may not be ready to accept the loss. Or you may not want to “hold it together” in front of the people who will attend. Nobody can make the decision for you, although it’s likely people will be quick to share their opinions.
Funerals are about closure. And for many people, funerals help with their grieving in the long term even if it doesn’t feel good in the moment.
If in the end you truly can’t bring yourself to go to the funeral, please make sure you find another way to honor the life of the person who passed as part of your grief process.
I Lost Someone I Love and Now Worry About If I Will Die Too. Is That Normal?
It's entirely normal to have thoughts about your mortality after losing someone close to you. Grief can make you acutely aware of the fragility of life. If these thoughts become overwhelming or lead to intense fear, it's essential to reach out to a trusted adult or counselor for support.
How Do I Face Going to School Right Now?
Returning to school after a significant loss can be daunting. It might help to let your teachers and school counselor know what you're going through so they can provide you with additional support if needed. Remember, it's okay to take things one day at a time.
Who Am I Without My Parent/Sibling/Friend?
Losing someone close to you can make you question your identity. You might feel like a part of you is missing. It's important to remember that your identity is not solely defined by your relationship with that person. Remember that missing piece of the puzzle thing? It truly does feel like this part of you is just…missing.
Over time, you'll discover who you are outside of that role. But you’ll probably always miss the person you lost, and that’s ok.
You may need some help/support figuring out who you are now. It may take time. Eventually, you’ll start to move forward little by little.
Why Am I So Angry?
Grief often manifests as anger. You might be angry at the person who died, at the world, or even at yourself. These feelings are normal, but it's essential to find healthy ways to express and process your anger, such as through journaling, talking with a therapist, or engaging in physical activities like sports.
What Can I Do to Honor and Remember the Person Who Died?
Honoring and remembering your loved one can be a healing part of the grieving process. You might create a memory box, hold a memorial, or dedicate a special place or activity to them. Finding meaningful ways to keep their memory alive can provide comfort.
How Do I Make It Through Each Day When the Grief Feels Overwhelming?
Grief can often feel like an overwhelming wave that threatens to pull you under. On those tough days, it's okay to take it one moment at a time. Reach out to supportive adults, friends, or a therapist who can provide guidance and coping strategies.
Seek Support and Healing
Teen grief can be an incredibly challenging journey, but remember, you don't have to navigate it alone. It's okay to ask for help, to lean on your support system, and to reach out to a trusted adult or a teen counselor. You have the strength within you to heal and find hope once again. If you ever find yourself struggling with intense suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at [insert phone number] or go to your nearest
Begin Teen Grief Counseling in Columbia or Lee's Summit, MO
If you're a teenager struggling with grief in the Columbia, Lee's Summit, or Blue Springs areas of Missouri, Aspire Counseling is here to support you through teen counseling. We understand that losing someone you love is one of the most challenging experiences, and it's crucial to seek support during this time.
Our dedicated team of teen therapists specializes in helping teenager navigate all areas of their mental health. Our Missouri counselors offer a wide range of counseling services to address various mental health concerns. Whether you're dealing with anxiety, depression, self-harm, trauma, or family dynamics related to your grief, we have teen therapists who are experienced and trained to provide you with evidence-based treatments.
You don't have to navigate your grief journey alone. Our compassionate and skilled Missouri teen therapists are ready to support you through this challenging time. To begin your healing process, please call us at 573-328-2288 or fill out our online form. We will connect you with one of our Missouri teen therapists who can help you navigate your grief, find hope, and work towards a brighter future. Your healing journey starts here.
About the Author
Jessica Tappana, LCSW, is the founder of Aspire Counseling and is passionate about providing evidence-based practice and treatment to all of her clients. She loves working with teens, as do both of our two other Lee’s Summit MO therapists.
Jessica Tappana is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of Missouri and sees clients at both our Columbia and Lee’s Summit, MO counseling offices. She is the founder of Aspire Counseling and has always loved working with teenagers in the therapy setting.
