What Not to Say with Someone with Anxiety

When interacting with someone who suffers from anxiety, it’s important to communicate with empathy and understanding. Avoiding comments that could belittle or invalidate their experience is key. Here are phrases and comments you should avoid saying to someone with anxiety:

"Just calm down."

Telling someone with anxiety to calm down can be dismissive. It implies that regaining control is simple, when it's not always easy for someone with anxiety. Many people may also feel that you’re implying they’re over reacting. Maybe you think they ARE reacting in a manner you don’t understand. But there is likely context to their reaction. And the “just calm down” response doesn’t invite discussion about what it is that’s triggering their response. In this moment, they don’t feel calm and there’s a reason for that.

"There’s nothing to be anxious about."

Ouch. This minimizes their feelings and can make them feel as though their anxiety is unjustified or silly. It’s going to be really, really difficult to continue a productive conversation about the thing making the person more anxious when you’ve said this one.

Sometimes, you may be saying this because you just don’t know what else to say. Instead, try saying, “I can tell you’re really overwhelmed right now and I’m just not sure what to say to be helpful.'“

Other times, you might be saying this because you see a different perspective. Or you have additional information about the situation the person feeling anxious doesn’t yet have. And maybe if they had this information or perspective they wouldn’t be anxious. Maybe the person is ready to hear your information/perspective. But maybe not. Try asking, “Would you mind if I share what else I see going on in this situation?”

"Just stop worrying."

Like telling someone to calm down, this oversimplifies the experience of anxiety and suggests that they have full control over their worrying. Instead, try saying, “Would it help if we did something else or changed the subject to give your mind time to focus on something less upsetting?”

"It’s all in your head."

This phrase can be invalidating and dismissive, as it implies that the anxiety isn't real or that it's something they're making up. In fact, this one can be flat out hurtful. And it’s VERY likely to escalate the person further even if they don’t outwardly show it. Likely, you’re not trying to upset them further. You want them to calm down. But saying this will throw gasoline on the fire.

"Others have it worse."

Comparing struggles is not helpful and can make someone feel like their anxiety is being trivialized. It’s likely true that others DO have it worse. But in this moment, what’s going on feel huge to this person. So, thinking about someone else’s situation doesn’t change their own situation or feelings.

"You just need to be stronger."

This implies that anxiety is a sign of weakness, which is not true. It can make someone feel inadequate or ashamed of their anxiety. But the truth is, everyone feels anxious sometimes. And experiencing emotions, or even expressing them, is NOT a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of being human.

"You’re just overreacting."

This invalidates their feelings and can exacerbate feelings of self-doubt and worry. Just because you don’t believe you would react that way, doesn’t mean that their reactions aren’t based in reality.

"Don't think about it."

Don’t think about a pink elephant.

Did it work? Did you think about anything but a pink elephant? More than likely, just reading that sentence above was enough to cause an automatic quick picture of a pink elephant to pop into your head. Anxious thoughts work the same way.

Anxiety often involves intrusive thoughts that are difficult to control. Telling someone not to think about it is not helpful and can make them feel more frustrated.

"Just do it, it’s not a big deal."

For someone with anxiety, certain situations can feel overwhelming. This comment dismisses the real struggle they may be facing. And, if they do something they’re really anxious about and it doesn’t go well (even if they reason it didn’t go well actually was their anxiety), they’ll be even more anxious to try again the next time.

"You should try to..."

Offering unsolicited advice can sometimes come across as judgmental or condescending. It’s better to ask if they would like advice before offering it. If you know something that worked really well for you or someone else, maybe try asking, “Can I tell you about something that worked for my friend who was having frequent panic attacks?”

"You always do this."

This can make them feel like a burden or like they are being criticized for something they may not have control over. People with anxiety already worry about annoying you. They KNOW they “always do this.” Pointing it out will simply make them feel guilty and likely even more anxious.

Ways to Support a Friend or Family Member with Anxiety

Instead, here are some ways you can support someone with anxiety:

• Be an Active Listener: Sometimes they might not need advice but just someone to talk to. Be there to listen.

• Validate Their Feelings: Let them know that it’s okay to feel anxious and that you’re there for them.

• Offer Help When Appropriate: Instead of telling them what to do, ask if there’s anything you can do to help.

• Be Patient and Calm: Your calm demeanor can sometimes help to calm them as well.

• Encourage Them to Start Counseling for Anxiety: Encourage them to talk to a professional if they are struggling to manage their anxiety.

Remember, supporting someone with anxiety is about providing a non-judgmental and compassionate environment.

Therapy for Anxiety in Lee’s Summit, MO

Are you looking for an anxiety therapist? We have therapists in our Lee’s Summit counseling office helping people in the Lee’s Summit and Blue Springs area of Missouri face treat their anxiety. Additionally, we have anxiety counselors available in our Columbia office and can see anyone in Missouri with online anxiety counseling. Additionally, our expert therapists can support individuals struggling to recover from trauma, feeling trapped in depression or with a wide range of other mental health concerns. We have Missouri anxiety counselors who see children, teenagers and adults.