6 Ways to Practice Validating Yourself: Acknowledging Your Emotions

It's hard to cope with difficult emotions if you don't acknowledge them. Therefore, the first step to coping with difficult emotions is acknowledging them. But many people have learned to automatically invalidate their feelings. They may "fake it till you make it" and just pretend they don't feel a negative emotion. Or they may feel like a specific reaction or emotion in a given situation is wrong or inappropriate, so they avoid it instead of dealing with the feeling head-on.

But the truth is that our feelings are very important - especially when we're trying to figure out how best to cope with something challenging in our lives.

Validation

Validation means acknowledging what is valid or real in something. It's essentially saying that something someone says or does makes sense.

Many people don't know how to validate themselves, so they often turn to other people for validation. But it's critical for you to first learn how to validate yourself before seeking the support and encouragement of others.

There are six levels of validation - Here's how to use them to validate yourself

I love using the DBT framework whenever I'm talking about validation. I joke that I was "raised" as a therapist in the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) world, because my early years as a mental health professional I was providing DBT and it really shaped me as a clinician. But I just really think DBT does a great job giving a framework we can use to think of the different ways we can use validation.  

So, let's look at these six different levels of validation and how each might apply to the concept of validating yourself.

Level 1 Validation: Pay Attention

When I'm talking about this level in regards to validating others I talk about paying attention mindfully to what the other person is communicating including communicating that you've actively listened with your body language.

So, how does this apply to self validation?

Well, the first step to validating yourself is to be aware of your emotions - what you're feeling in the moment. This may seem like a no-brainer, but many people try to avoid their feelings or push them down. And they've done this for so long that they may not always even know what they're feeling.

So, if you're practicing being more kind to yourself or just working on improving your own mental health it starts with observing what you are feeling in the moment. Notice any body sensations-perhaps tension, a change in your breathing pattern, a feeling in your stomach. Notice your thoughts. Observe what's going on around you. Simply acknowledging how you feel and what you are experiencing in this moment.

Example: A friend texted and asked if I have time to talk. I notice an immediate sense of dread. My eyes are tired. My body feels tense just thinking about getting on the phone. And yet, my brain is at odds with itself both contemplating everything else I need to be doing right now (like sleeping!) and insisting that if they're asking to talk right now it must be really important.

Level II Validation: Reflect Back

When you're validating someone else, Level II validation refers to reflecting back or summarizing what someone said. This is a great level of validation because it shows that you've really been paying attention and have made an attempt to understand where the other person is coming from.

My version of self validation here is just summarizing what you're body and mind are communicating to you right now about your experience.

Example: In the situation above maybe it's just mentally acknowledging each of those things I typed out. Almost like a verbal commentary of your experience. Putting words to what's going on. "I'm feeling a lot of dread and tension in my body. I see that I'm tired and I'm thinking about how busy I am right now. My brain is telling me that if they're asking to talk right now it must be really important, but part of me just wants to go back to sleep."

Level III Validation: "Read Minds"

Now this is the perhaps oddest level of validation to apply to self validation. But, this level is where we read between the lines and try to acknowledge what isn't being said. To do this effectively, you have to be able to incorporate what you know about things they've shared in the past, their personality, what you hear them saying now, their body language and anything else that will help you understand where they're coming from.

I would make the argument that most of us ignore the things operating below the surface when we're struggling with a strong emotion. That's where this level of validation comes in.

Example: Your child wants to go sledding and you notice a lot of anxiety coming up for you in the moment. Your immediate impulse is to quickly say no. After observing and acknowledging that you feel anxious, you consider why. Soon, you realize that you're not just reacting to your child's request right now. Part of you is remembering that time a friend broke an arm playing outside. There's also that memory of the time your child got really ill a few winter's ago. And, there's that big part of you that dreads doing laundry and knows there will be a ton of wet, dirty laundry after an hour of playing in the snow. Realizing all of this, you are able to better understand why you have such a strong reaction to your child's request.

Level IV Validation: Show Understanding

This level is where you use your understanding of what could be causing the emotion and put it into context. With this one, you take it one step further than just acknowledging your feelings or thoughts by explaining WHY those things make sense given your history, current situation and other factors. 

Example: You are driving your spouse to the hospital for a very minor, outpatient procedure. You acknowledge that this is causing you extra stress because the last time you were at the hospital you were saying goodbye to a family member who passed away. To validate your experience, you mentally say to yourself, "You feel anxious because of what happened the last time you were at the hospital." In this way, you acknowledge that the CAUSE of your anxiety isn't what is happening in this exact moment but is valid given that past experience.

Level V Validation: Acknowledging the Valid

Often, I find this to be the most powerful or most validating of all these levels we're discussing. This is where you acknowledge that their feelings, thoughts or beliefs are valid and true. That they're normal. My favorite phrase to use here is "Anyone would feel this way."

When applying this to self validation, it might be helpful to ask yourself, "If my friend were in the same situation and I thought their feelings were completely rational how would I say that to them?" Now, honestly, we can be pretty invalidating even to our friends trying to "cheer them up" (here's a blog post I wrote for another therapist about validating an anxious friend using these same concepts), so the important thing here is asking yourself how you'd express to that friend that there emotions are normal or understandable.

Example: You've been dating someone for awhile and things have been going great. But today, out of nowhere, you get a text from them saying "I need some time alone." Your first reaction is to feel really scared about what this might mean for the relationship and even angry at them for sending something like that in a text. After acknowledging those feelings, you tell yourself, "Anyone would feel upset getting a text like that. Feeling scared and angry right now is understandable."

Level 6 Validation: Radical Genuineness

This level is all about being real with yourself. It's about not treating yourself as fragile. And it looks a little different for each person and in each situation. But your just leveling with yourself here in a kind, compassionate way. Radical genuineness is also being okay with all of your emotions, even the ones you don't like or feel ashamed of. It's about not judging yourself harshly.

Example: You're sick with the flu. And today was a really important day to attend work. But clearly, you're not going to make it to the office. You want to try to "push through" but you also know that you can't even try to go to work or you might get other people sick. After noticing all the different emotions you're feeling you bluntly say to yourself: "You feel like crud today. You're sick. And honestly, by trying to be productive right now you're just going to make things worse. Regardless, it'll probably be a long day. So, it's time to accept that you're sick and get back to bed."

You Deserve Validation....even if it comes from yourself

It would be nice if someone else walked around providing you validation as you went through your day. But it just doesn't always happen. So, sometimes you have to be your own best friend and validate yourself. And sometimes, that's even better.

Now, it's important point out that these different levels of validation all come from a place of self-compassion not self-criticism or perfectionism. You don't even have to be perfect in how you validate yourself.

But, the more you can validate yourself - acknowledge your emotions without judging them as good or bad - the less power those thoughts and feelings will have. You'll start to see them for what they are - just emotions. And that will give you the freedom to live your life more fully and intentionally.

Do you need support learning to validate yourself?

Sometimes invalidating your own emotions whether arguing them or flat out denying them becomes the norm. And it can be very, very hard to get out of that pattern. If you feel like you need some help learning how to validate yourself, please reach out for therapy. If you live in Missouri, our client care team would be more than happy to help connect you with one of our counselors so you can have support learning to be more empathetic and understanding toward yourself. It starts with you calling our office (573-328-2288 ext 1) or reaching out online.

You deserve to feel better. It’s possible to feel more at peace and fulfilled in life. Therapy can help.

About the Author

Jessica Tappana is the founder of Aspire Counseling. She believes everyone deserves to find internal peace, find healing from past hurts and to find fulfillment in life. She’s seen firsthand how psychotherapy can help people do just that. While much of her time is now spent supporting other clinicians (supervising students, consulting with other clinicians in the practice or just attending to the business side of things), her favorite part of the job is still the time she spends sitting 1:1 with clients. Most of her career has been spent focused on supporting people around mental health issues related to trauma, anxiety & stress. She resisted the online therapy movement until Covid started preferring the connection that could come from having a cup of tea with someone in session. But since starting to see people online at the start of the pandemic, she’s learned to love online counseling as well. It provide unique benefits and allows her to connect with clients from all over Missouri and found meeting clients while they are at home often gives her a unique perspective into their daily life. She now enjoys hybrid seeing about half her clients in person (at the office or sometimes through Walk & Talk therapy in the park) and about half online.