What does it mean if you judge yourself or others?

A lot of people come in carrying the idea that judging is a character problem. That good people don't do it. That if they were healthier, or kinder, or further along, they'd stop.

So let's start there.

What does it mean to judge another person?

First, let’s talk about what juding IS. To judge something means to take a short cut. It’s to summarize a lot of other information.

For example, you might say “That woman is evil.” The word evil is meant to provide information about the person. It’s a short cut. Perhaps you mean, “She lies often. She has no sense of loyalty. She doesn’t share the same values as me. She is regularly mean to other people and inconsiderate. In fact, she’s broken so many laws that she’s been to prison three times.” But to say all of that takes a lot of time and energy. So instead, you summarize it quickly by saying, “She is evil.”

Evil is a judgment. It’s a shortcut. In and of itself, the judgment isn’t bad.

In other words, it's a fast way to sum something up so you don't have to describe it in full.

So, to summarie-saying someone is a jerk takes a second. Describing what that person actually said and did takes much longer.

Think about the difference between those two sentences.

One is quick. The other tells you what happened, what it looked like, and why it landed the way it did.

Same conclusion. Very different amount of information.

Is it wrong to judge yourself?

No. And you couldn't stop if you wanted to.

Everyone judges. All day long, about other people and about themselves. It isn't a character flaw, and it isn't something you outgrow.

The more useful question is a different one. When are you willing to put a label on a person? And what is that label resting on?

That's a question you can actually do something with.

If judgments are shortcuts, don't we need shortcuts?

Yes. We do.

This is the part I think gets missed when people talk about being less judgmental. Shortcuts aren't a bad habit we should be working to eliminate. They're how we understand the world and talk to each other about it.

If I had to fully describe everything instead of naming it, I'd never finish a sentence. If you had to evaluate every situation from scratch, you couldn't cross a parking lot.

Before you jump into a pool, you judge whether there's enough water in there for it to be safe. That's a judgment. It's also the right call.

We are always going to compress. The question is what we do with the compression.

Judgments aren't only negative

Worth saying plainly, and I said it all the time. Judgment isn’t only criticism.

"She's amazing." "He's such a good dad." "That family has it together." Those are judgments too. Same exact move. A whole person, summed up in a few words, with all the specifics left out.

Positive labels can be wrong the same way negative ones can. They can be built on very little. They can stick around long after the evidence stopped supporting them. And they can be just as hard to update.

So this isn't really about being nicer. It's about noticing when you've reached for shorthand.

When are you okay putting a label on a person?

This is the individual piece, and there's no universal answer.

Some people apply labels quickly. Some hold out for a lot of evidence. Where your line sits is personal, and it usually traces back to your values.

Two people can watch the same thing happen and land in completely different places. One is ready to call it. The other wants more before they'll say anything about who that person is.

Neither one is automatically right. They're using different thresholds.

That line usually rests on something specific. Maybe it comes down to whether someone got hurt. Maybe it's about honesty, or how someone treats people who can't do anything for them. Maybe it's about whether the behavior is a pattern or a bad day.

Most of us have never said any of that out loud. We just feel the moment the label clicks into place.

It's worth knowing what makes it click.

What about the labels you put on yourself?

Same question, turned inward.

"I'm lazy" is a label on an entire person, often built out of one afternoon. "I didn't get much done today" describes what happened.

Both are judgments. One of them leaves you something to work with.

I'm not going to tell you that every hard thing you think about yourself is untrue. Sometimes "I handled that badly" is accurate, and it points you toward repairing something. That's judgment doing useful work.

The trouble usually isn't that you judged yourself. It's when the label gets so compressed that there's nothing left to learn from, and no version of you that could ever be different. That voice tends to speak in shorthand, and it tends to skip straight to the whole person.

You don't have to argue with it. You just have to slow it down enough to see what it's standing on, and whether that's a standard you actually hold.

Begin Therapy in Columbia or Lee's Summit, MO

If you're worn down by the labels you've been carrying, or you're trying to sort out what you actually believe versus what you absorbed somewhere along the way, therapy is a good place to do that work.

At Aspire Counseling, our therapists use approaches with real research behind them, and we track how clients are doing so we know whether the work is helping. We have offices in Columbia and Lee's Summit, and we offer online therapy across Missouri.

Call us at 573-328-2288 (Columbia) or 816-287-1116 (Lee's Summit), and we'll help you figure out whether we're a good fit.

Whenever you're ready for effective care and lasting change, we're here.

Written by Jessica Oliver, MSW, LCSW, Founder and Clinical Director of Aspire Counseling, a trauma and anxiety treatment counseling practice in Missouri. Jessica has practiced for more than 15 years, specializing in the treatment of anxiety and trauma.