Understanding and Managing Dating Anxiety
Let’s be honest dating is awkward. It’s a necessary part of finding your person, but the journey there is challenging. Right now you may be dealing with the stress of school, work, and then hearing all of your family members ask you if you’re in a relationship or when are you going to get married. Perhaps every time you get on Instagram or Facebook someone has gotten into a relationship, engaged, married, or is having a baby. This can leave you feeling like you’re behind or that you have done something wrong as a young adult.
Perhaps you have tried getting out there but the apps Tinder, OK Cupid, Bumble, and Hinge, are not helpful or ideal. And to be honest, in-person dating in 2020-2021 isn’t exactly as doable as it used to be. So you’re left wondering when you will get into a relationship and what that will look like.
Here is the Thing About Dating…
If you finally take that first step to begin dating there are additional challenges you may face. For example, the fear of the first impression, making yourself seem interesting, conversations, planning the date, and everything in between may keep you from reaching out. Additionally, if you’re used to doing things on your own, it can be challenging to begin the dating process. Not only are you putting yourself out there, but you’re also allowing someone through the walls and barriers that you have set up. So whether you’re new to dating, coming fresh out of a relationship, or have been struggling with convincing yourself to get out there, dating anxiety can hold us back from meeting a person that can complement our already established lifestyle.
So let’s dive into some ways to identify if you have dating anxiety and tips for coping!
How do I know if What I am Dealing with is Dating Anxiety?
Common signs of Dating Anxiety Include:
Often expecting the worst will happen
Canceling early on
Ghosting people via text or apps
Fear of reaching out on dating apps
Putting on a front to be perceived as interesting or attractive
Overthinking every text and interaction
Experiencing post date anxiety ( overthinking, pacing, replaying events, rapid heart rate)
There are many signs that you have dating anxiety, but what matters is that you acknowledge it so you can prepare ways to cope. If you find that you crave a relationship and you often don’t take steps to begin one, then you’re going to find yourself in a cycle of dissatisfaction unless you make an effort to try. Likewise, if you’re putting on a front for others because you want to be the person this individual is looking for, you’re doing a disservice to yourself. Remember that while they are deciding if they like you, you are also doing the same. You have standards and things you’re looking for and if that person doesn’t check those boxes, don’t feel like you have to put on a front, just to be in a relationship. Make sure your needs are being met and if you have non-nonnegotiable, don’t settle.
So How Does One Even Begin to Cope with Dating Anxiety?
Recognize and Silence Your Inner Critic
Oftentimes, when people want to give advice we often say “think positively”, but is that the best way to hand anxiety toward someone judging whether you’re a potential partner for them? That isn’t helpful or effective. Positive thinking while sometimes is helpful isn’t a fix-all for every situation. First, acknowledge what you’re feeling. Are you worried, anxious, stressed, uncertain? Ok, call it out and name it. Then recognize when anxiety says “ you’re not ready for a relationship”, or “ I don’t think you’re good enough”, it is a false narrative. You’re more likely worth a lot to individuals than you realize and you’re more impressive than you believe you are.
Remember that as your critics try to tell you, you’re not enough, that you’re also holding yourself to standards and expectations, if those are not being met during the dating period, this may not be the person for you. And that’s ok! You’re also the interviewer if you want to think of it that way. Silence the false narratives dating anxiety tells us and limiting beliefs that tell you, you’re not good enough. Recognize and reframe your thoughts to remember, that this isn’t forever, it’s one moment for you to decide, hey maybe I do or do not want to know you better.
Resist the Urge to Social Media Stalk
Anxiety makes us want to develop control over our thoughts and feelings. So naturally, when we are trying to control, we want something tangible. In this case information. We’ve all been there, it can be easy to pry on the Facebook profile or Instagram story from time to time, but this will either increase the anxiety or ruin a moment you could have had together. Make sure you are being safe and feel safe with this person, but don’t try to control the situation by knowing everything. Don’t put this person on a pedestal before you meet them and let the interaction happen naturally. Trust me the urge to stalk is not worth it.
Develop a Pre and Post date Ritual to Reduce Your Anxiety
The anticipation leading up to the date is both exciting and nerve-racking. You never know what will happen. However, if you’re getting to the point where you’re hyperventilating, overthinking, pacing, and you feel a pit in your stomach, you need to develop a routine. Consider some deep breathing exercises, go on a walk, do your exercise routine before getting ready, write down all that you’re feeling, have a friend there to keep you calm. Find something that will give you peace before going out. If you’re someone who gets post date/ social interaction anxiety then make sure you have a plan after the date as well. If you’re unsure if this is you, consider this. If you’re an individual who has strong anxiety feelings that last after the initial date and interfere with your productivity creates productivity or interferes with your sleep, then I’m talking to you. Find something that will help you reduce anxiety and come back to a baseline after the date.
Remember you’re not putting on a show for them, you are getting to know them as a potential partner just as much as they are to you.
If you can recognize that this is an equal exchange, then you’re going to be setting yourself up for success. Take some time to recognize all the things you have to offer and remember your a catch. Don’t feel like you’re putting on the performance of a lifetime to get a partner. A true relationship although takes work, won’t make you feel like you’re running a marathon to keep up. You should take some time to consider what you’re looking for in a partner and makes sure you recognize the negotiables. Don’t lower your standards to gain something you feel you need.
Let’s Say You Starting the Dating and Talking Phase, What Do You Do If they Are Not For You?
If you find that the potential partner is not for you, don’t feel obligated to continue communicating or go on dates. Be honest with yourself and communicate that you’re not interested. The worst way to get yourself in a complicated situation is not being honest with your needs and your deal-breakers. Communicate, move forward, and breathe! You have got this!
Looking for Dating, Anxiety, or Relationship Support?
Dating anxiety is something we don’t really talk about. We are not exactly given the tools to know how to date. Plus, the landscape is always changing. If you’re are struggling to address what you’re looking for or need support in the search. Therapy can help! I’d be happy to speak with you. Whether it's with anxiety, body image, life transitions, young adulthood, and more. Our skilled therapists are here to help you manage your anxiety in all stages of life. We understand that anxiety isn’t easy to manage, especially on its own. Plus dating doesn’t have a manual and everyone’s perspectives are different. It’s important to understand therapy is a place to talk through what you’re dealing with, find ways to move forward, and then help you to live a life that makes sense for your needs. If that sounds like something you need, call us!
If you are ready to take back control of your life and overcome, our therapists can help you through online therapy in Missouri or in person at our Columbia, MO counseling practice. We are trained in evidence-based treatment and will always stay focused on your personal goals. Reach out when you are ready and talk to one of our therapists for anxiety, burnout, and stress support today!
About the Author
Jasmine Jaquess is a counselor-in-training and a Northwestern University Counseling Intern at Aspire Counseling under the supervision of our clinical director, Jessica Tappana. Jasmine has a bachelor’s degree in Kinesiology and a psychology degree from Truman State University. She is passionate about holistic wellness and believes the healthy relationships can support a person’s mental health, but understands anxiety can make forming these relationships (romantic or platonic) more difficult. Jasmine is currently seeing a limited number of individual therapy clients for anxiety treatment and is interested in pursuing additional trainings to become an expert on other areas of mental health such as trauma therapy, support for adults who were adopted and treatment for disordered eating in the future.
