How Much Should I Tell My Teen About My Own Therapy?

Let's say you've started your own therapy. Maybe your teen is in therapy too, and you decided to get your own support alongside them. Maybe it had nothing to do with your kid at all.

Either way, a question shows up pretty fast. What do you actually say to your teenager about it?

It's a good question, and the answer isn't "share everything" or "say nothing."

Should I tell my teen I'm going to therapy?

Yes. I think so.

That's the part that does the work. Your teen knowing that you go, and that you keep going, is what changes how they think about therapy. It moves therapy from something adults arrange for struggling kids to something people in your family use.

They don't need details for that. They just need to know it's happening.

How much is too much?

Here's the line I'd draw: your teen should know that you go. They shouldn't be carrying what you talk about.

The moment your kid starts feeling responsible for your emotional state, something has flipped. They're not your support system. Even a very mature sixteen year old isn't built for that, and they usually won't tell you it's too much. They'll just start managing you.

So I'd skip "I talked about this in therapy today." And I would not tell your teenager that you talked about them.

What do I say when they ask what we talked about?

You can be honest without being fully disclosing. Those aren't the same thing.

Think about it the way you think about their therapy. You don't expect your teen to come home and report everything they said in session. You've probably worked hard not to ask. Your therapy gets the same boundary, for the same reason.

Something like "that's my time to work on my stuff, same as yours is" is usually enough. Said warmly, it lands as normal rather than secretive.

Now, if your child knows some of the things you struggle with, you might need to share a little more. For example, you might say, “You know I had a panic attack last month. We’re going to work on how I can stop those from happening again.” Or, “I know you’ve seen that I’ve been more stressed since I got that promotion at work. My therapist is helping me learn how to manage that stress.” But again, they don’t need the nitty gritty details to carry.

If they push, and some kids will, you can add that it's not a secret, it's just private. Kids understand that distinction better than we give them credit for.

What if they ask whether you talk about them?

This one's worth thinking about before it comes up, because a lot of teenagers wonder.

I'd stay honest and keep it brief. Parenting is a big part of your life, so of course it comes up sometimes. But you're not in there reporting on your kid. You go to work on you.

What I'd avoid is a long explanation, which tends to make a teen more suspicious rather than less.

Can I tell them anything about what I'm working on?

You can, and sometimes it's great.

Brief overviews of what you're learning are different from downloading what you're struggling with. Say you and your therapist decided you're going to get together with two friends this week. It's completely fine to say, in passing:

"One second, I'm texting Lisa about coffee tomorrow. My therapist and I talked about how much strong friendships help, and I want to actually follow through on that."

That's useful for your kid to hear. It's small, it's concrete, and it shows therapy turning into action.

Now here's the version I'd avoid:

"I need to prioritize my friends right now because I give and give and give to you and I have nothing left, so my therapist says I have to go out more in order to be a good mom to you."

Same decision. Completely different message. That version tells your kid they're a burden, that they've done something wrong, and that your friends are now competing with them.

The test is pretty simple. Does this give my kid information, or does it hand them a job?

What if they see me having a hard moment?

Sometimes they will. You'll cry, or you'll be short with everyone, or they'll walk in at exactly the wrong time.

You don't have to pretend it didn't happen. Pretending usually makes kids more worried, not less, because they know what they saw.

You also don't have to explain it. Something like this covers it:

"I know it might be upsetting to see me cry. You don't have to worry about me. I'm having a rough moment, and I'll talk to my therapist about it."

That does three things at once. It names what they saw. It takes the worry off them. And it shows them where hard feelings go, which is to the person whose job it is.

What about the weeks I don't want to go?

Go.

I'll be direct about this one. Avoidance is what keeps a lot of anxiety and depression going. Skipping the session you don't want to attend is often skipping exactly the session you needed. Go for your own sake, because that's how progress happens.

Your teen probably won't know you almost cancelled. But they will see whether you're getting better.

And that week can become useful later. When your kid wants to skip their own appointment, and at some point they will, you'll have something real to say instead of a lecture:

"A couple months ago I almost cancelled mine. I'd actually started typing the email. Then I figured, maybe wanting to skip is a sign I should go. So I went, and it helped. That turned out to be one of the weeks that mattered. I was proud of myself for showing up."

That's not a speech about commitment. That's you telling your kid you've been exactly where they are. It's also a much better response than frustration, which is where most of us go when our teen wants to bail on something we're paying for. If your teen is pushing back on therapy in general, their resistance is usually telling you something worth listening to.

The short version

Tell them you go. Don't tell them what you carry.

Share what you're learning when it's small and concrete. Keep the heavy parts between you and your therapist, which is exactly what you'd want for them.

Start Therapy for Yourself in Columbia or Lee's Summit, MO

If you've been thinking about your own anxiety, stress, or whatever this stretch has been doing to you, that's worth taking seriously on its own. The fact that your kid gets to watch you do it is a bonus.

We see adults and teens in Columbia and Lee's Summit, and statewide through online therapy. Call (816) 287-1116 for Lee's Summit or 573-328-2288 for Columbia and our client care team will help you find the right fit. If your teen already sees someone here, tell us, and we'll match you with a different clinician.

Whenever you're ready for effective care and lasting change, we're here.

About the Author

Jessica Oliver, MSW, LCSW is the founder and clinical director of Aspire Counseling.

From 2015 to 2017, she worked in a school setting, where she sat down with older kids and teenagers every single day. When she opened Aspire, most of her caseload was still children and teens, and for years that was the center of her work.

Over time she found herself seeing more and more adults, and realized how much she loves working with parents. Part of that is that it's another way to help the kids. A parent who has real support, actual coping skills, and something meaningful in their own life is a parent who can show up well on more days than not. Teenagers notice the difference.