Learning to Set Boundaries

Do you ever feel that you are taking care of everything and everyone around you, while your own needs go unmet? Have you ever been in a situation where you want to say no, but feel obligated or pressured to say yes? Do you worry about keeping others happy above yourself? Maybe you’ve heard the phrase “no is a full sentence”—or thought about how that would apply to yourself. Saying no comes with a certain feeling of power and control, whether the reason is that we do not have time or energy, or maybe because it’s not something that sounds enjoyable to us.

We have the right to protect ourselves and our mental health, and sometimes that means saying no to things. Our free time is precious, and we have the right to protect it and fill our time with things that we WANT to do. In practice, this can be difficult for people—especially if they are used to taking care of others or going along with what others want for fear of making others upset. The fear of being judged or disliked overcomes the desire to say no, and maybe we end up going to social events or helping with things when we don’t have the time or energy. Of course, learning to say no is not me advocating for people to say no to EVERYTHING or to start avoiding things in the name of boundaries. Boundaries themselves are the knowledge of your personal limits, which includes your time, energy, and other resources. Where you do end and others begin? What are your personal wants and needs, and how do they get met (IF they get met)?

Photo by Clayton Robbins on Unsplash downloaded 12/9/22

Getting Started With Boundaries

To begin, boundaries don’t have to be a negative thing—they aren’t necessarily walls or fences that we’re putting up to keep others out. In fact, boundaries can be healthy in that they can help someone establish more autonomy, self-respect and self-esteem. They can also be healthy for those around us: others will know where they stand with you and will be aware of what you want or need. Boundaries can establish healthy guidelines for our relationships---and bonus, could potentially lead to decreased stress, frustration, and burnout and MORE time for you.

Your personal needs are unique, so you get to decide what your boundaries look like and how you can modify them to fit your needs.

How do we do it? First, it would be important to note situations or circumstances in your life that drain your energy or give you a sense of dread. What do you want from your relationships or from the time you spend at work/school/other places? What gives you energy, and what takes your energy? Boundaries can encompass different areas of our lives, like physical space, our time, our possessions, finances, and our thoughts and beliefs.

Is there one area that maybe needs more care and concern? Sometimes the need for boundaries originates from that feeling in your stomach or even your head that tells you “Something feels off about this.” It could be a sign that you want to say no, but feel pressure to say yes, and is a sign that we need to set clear boundaries. It’s okay to start small—changes may not happen overnight. We may need to add to our boundaries as time goes on. Once we know where we need to set boundaries, it’s time to communicate them. It’s okay to be firm and polite, but clear in our guidelines. It may seem overwhelming—but the alternative could mean that things don’t change, which is unfair to you. By establishing and communicating our boundaries, we learn to prioritize our free time and recognize the right and need to say no. It gets easier once we havemore practice in doing this.

Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash downloaded 12/9/22

Keep Talking

Beginning to set boundaries can be difficult at first. We may get pushback from people who have never known us to say no before. If we stick to our commitment to ourself and our boundary, people will begin to see that you are serious about protecting your needs. Some may decide that they want to learn how to set their own boundaries, too. If people continue to push, determine for yourself what you’d like to do in the situation—can you communicate where you are coming from and the need for the boundary, and is it safe to do so? Is there room for compromise? YOU get to set the boundary and what it looks like, so that means you also get to modify it as necessary.

That being said, the clearer and more consistent we are with our boundaries, the more likely people will be to follow them, and the more likely we will be able to uphold them. Mixed messages can be confusing, like telling a coworker “I don’t respond to texts after work hours”, but then responding to a message or email occasionally. We may also have moments where we still say yes when we really want to say no, or when we take care of others’ needs to the detriment of our own. Boundaries, like everything else, take practice. It’s not going to be perfect. Saying no may not always come easily, but it doesn’t have to be rude or come with an elaborate apology or explanation.

Focus on YOU

Photo by Abyan Athif on Unsplash downloaded 12/9/22

The benefits to boundary setting are straightforward: we get more time to ourselves to do what we want (or to just do nothing), and we also avoid taking on the responsibility of others’ or their feelings. We can also decrease our own stress levels but increase our confidence. Boundaries can give us self- assurance and help us recognize our strengths and needs. We only have so much time, energy, and emotional capacity, and it’s crucial to prioritize our needs, as well as our energy and time. People who have the tendency to care for others before themselves may have difficulty or feel it’s selfish to say no or begin to set boundaries. Rather than selfishness, could we see it as self-preservation? We have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. Setting and establishing boundaries can be one way to put ourselves first, but also work to maintain physical and emotional safety.

Therapy in Missouri

Setting boundaries can be difficult. It’s ok to need help with setting boundaries, and learning positive communication with family and friends. If you or a loved one are struggling with encourage you to reach out to our Client Care Coordinator at Aspire Counseling. Here as Aspire Counseling we work with teens, and adults of all ages. Our clinicians specialize in anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, EMDR, self-confidence, relationships, OCD, and so much more. We can see clients all across Missouri virtually or in person at our Columbia MO facility!

About the Author

Megan Preutt is an LPC at Aspire Counseling. She is passionate about helping those experiencing anxiety, depression, stress, life transitions, grief, relationships, and so much more. When Megan isn’t working at Aspire, she loves going to a local bookshop, or antique furniture hunting!