Making Friends in College When You Have Social Anxiety

In high school, making friends may have felt more natural. Maybe you bonded with teammates during sports seasons, or you had the same core friend group since middle school. Perhaps you went to a smaller school where you at least recognized most faces in the hallways, even if you didn't know everyone's name.

But college? College is a completely different game. You're surrounded by thousands of people you've never seen before, everyone seems to already have their life figured out, and somehow the art of making friends feels like something you never actually learned how to do intentionally.

If you're someone who experiences social anxiety, the prospect of building an entirely new social circle from scratch can feel overwhelming. The good news is that most college students—even the ones who seem effortlessly social—are feeling some version of the same uncertainty you are.

Why Is Making Friends in College So Much Harder?

In high school, friendships often developed naturally through shared experiences and proximity. You saw the same people every day in classes, at lunch, and in hallways. You had years to gradually get to know classmates, and friendships could develop slowly over time without much pressure.

College compresses this timeline significantly. You might have one class with someone and never see them again unless you make the effort to exchange contact information. The social dynamics are faster and more intentional, which can feel intimidating if you're not naturally outgoing.

Additionally, everyone in college is creating their new identity. The person sitting next to you in psychology class is probably just as nervous about making friends as you are, but they're also trying to figure out who they want to be in this new environment. This can make social interactions feel higher stakes than they actually are.

The sheer size of most college campuses can also be overwhelming. Unlike high school where you recognized faces even if you didn't know names, college can feel like being dropped into a small city where everyone is a stranger.

What If I've Never Been Good at Small Talk?

If small talk has never been your strength, you're not alone. Many people find casual conversation awkward or forced, especially when social anxiety is involved. The key is understanding that small talk isn't really about the topics you discuss—it's about signaling that you're open to connection.

Small talk serves as a low-pressure way to test whether someone might be interested in a deeper conversation or friendship. Think of it as the social equivalent of knocking on a door to see if anyone's home. You're not trying to have a life-changing conversation; you're just seeing if there's potential for one.

For people with social anxiety, it can help to reframe small talk as information gathering rather than performance. You're not trying to be the most interesting person in the room—you're trying to learn something about the other person and see if you have anything in common.

How Do I Start Conversations With People I Barely Know?

Starting conversations gets easier when you have a few reliable openers that feel natural to you. The goal isn't to be witty or memorable; it's to create an opening for connection.

Situation-based comments work well because they acknowledge your shared experience. In class, you might say, "That reading was longer than I expected" or "Do you know if we need the textbook for the exam?" These comments are low-pressure because they're about the situation, not about you or the other person.

Genuine compliments can be effective, especially if they're specific and about choices rather than appearance. "I like your laptop stickers—is that band from around here?" or "Your notes are so organized, do you have a system?" These comments show you're paying attention and give the other person something easy to respond to.

Questions about shared experiences can open doors to longer conversations. "Have you taken any other classes with this professor?" or "Are you from Missouri originally?" These questions invite the other person to share information about themselves.

What Are Some Specific Small Talk Strategies That Actually Work?

The Comment-Question Method: Make a neutral observation about your shared situation, then ask a related question. "This coffee line is always so long—do you know if there are other places to get coffee on campus?" This approach feels natural because you're genuinely seeking information.

The Echo and Expand Technique: When someone shares something, briefly acknowledge what they said and ask a follow-up question. If they mention they're from Chicago, you might say, "Chicago's cool—what brought you to Missouri for school?" This shows you're listening and interested in learning more.

Finding Common Ground: Look for shared experiences you can bond over. "Did you also have trouble finding this building?" or "Are you feeling overwhelmed by the syllabus too?" Shared struggles or confusion can actually be great conversation starters because they create instant connection.

The Graceful Exit: Know how to end conversations naturally. "I need to grab lunch before my next class, but it was nice talking to you" or "I should get going, but maybe I'll see you in class next week." This keeps things friendly without pressure.

How Is Making Friends Different for Commuter Versus Dorm Students?

If you live on campus, you have built-in opportunities for casual interactions. Dorm life naturally creates repeated exposure to the same people, which can help friendships develop more organically. Take advantage of common spaces like lounges or study areas, and don't underestimate the power of simply leaving your door open while you're studying.

If you're a commuter student, you'll need to be more intentional about creating opportunities for connection. Arrive on campus a few minutes early and stay a few minutes after class to chat with classmates. Consider studying in campus common areas rather than going straight home. Join clubs or organizations that align with your interests—this gives you a reason to be on campus beyond just attending classes.

Both commuter and dorm students can benefit from participating in campus activities, but commuter students might need to make extra effort to stay connected to campus life rather than just treating college as a place they visit for classes.

When Does Social Anxiety Become a Bigger Problem?

It's normal to feel nervous about meeting new people or worried about fitting in during your first semester. However, if your anxiety is preventing you from attending social events, speaking up in class, or even eating in public spaces on campus, it might be helpful to talk to someone.

Social anxiety becomes problematic when it starts limiting your college experience. If you find yourself skipping classes to avoid social interaction, eating alone in your dorm room because the dining hall feels too overwhelming, or declining every invitation because the anxiety feels too intense, these might be signs that you could benefit from additional support.

Building Your Social Circle Takes Time

Remember that building meaningful friendships in college typically takes a full semester or longer. The people you meet in your first few weeks might not become your closest friends, and that's completely normal. Focus on being consistently friendly and open to connection rather than putting pressure on yourself to immediately find your "people."

Most lasting college friendships develop gradually through repeated positive interactions. The goal isn't to instantly connect with everyone you meet—it's to remain open to the possibility of connection and to practice the social skills that will serve you well throughout college and beyond.

Support for Social Anxiety in College Students in Missouri

If social anxiety is making it difficult to connect with others or fully engage in college life, you don't have to navigate this alone. At Aspire Counseling, our therapists understand the unique social pressures that college students face and can help you develop confidence in social situations.

Whether you're in Columbia, Kansas City, or anywhere else in Missouri, we offer both in-person and online counseling to help you build the social skills and confidence you need to thrive in college. Learning to manage social anxiety is an investment in not just your college experience, but your entire future.

About the Author

Jessica (Tappana) Oliver, LCSW, is the founder and Clinical Director of Aspire Counseling. Over the past nine years, she has worked with countless college students navigating social anxiety and the challenges of building new friendships in college. She understands that what looks like typical college socializing from the outside can feel overwhelming and intimidating to students experiencing social anxiety. Jessica provides counseling to clients throughout Missouri through secure online therapy and in-person sessions at Aspire Counseling's Lee's Summit office, helping young adults develop the confidence and skills they need to build meaningful connections during their college years.