Parenting Through Divorce or Separation
Last month I wrote a blog post on helping teenagers cope with divorce, but felt like a separate post was needed on helping younger children and pre-teens since developmentally they’re in a very different place.
Your emotions may feel all over the place when you think about your separation/divorce and your children-you feel guilty for causing this huge change in your children’s lives, worried about their feels, and are concerned about how they will balance moving between two very different houses. When they’re gone, you miss them terribly and you also know that this single parenting thing is hard so you try to take care of yourself so you’ll feel refreshed when they come back to your house. In the midst of all that, how do you help your child navigate their own big emotions?
Tips for helping your child or pre-teen cope with your divorce:
Be honest…in an age appropriate way. Younger children need less information than older children, but they still need honesty. Sometimes it may even be appropriate to say, “That’s between the adults but know that we both love you.” Avoid directly lying as it can be confusing and sends the wrong message. For instance, when a young child asks, “Are you sad Mommy?” If you reply, “No, I’m fine. Let’s go play,” it teaches your child that they aren’t reading your emotions right that what they thought they read on your face was wrong. Or it teaches that emotions are to be hidden. It would be better to answer, “A little bit. Let’s go play, ok? That will help Mommy feel better.” This is honest in an age appropriate way that both validates your child’s experience and models an appropriate way to handle emotions.
Listen to and validate your child’s emotions. It can be hard to listen to your child’s feelings without becoming defensive or wanting to offer additional information that you think will “help,” but your child first and foremost needs to know that you see them and know what they are feeling.
Continue to provide rules and structure. Your child’s entire world is changing. Maybe they’re even having to move or change schools. A child’s identity is very connected to their family so when the family structure changes, it can be confusing. By continuing to provide rules and structures it helps the child feel a little more safe. It’s understandable that parents are tempted to give their child unlimited freedom, extra gifts or excuse their behaviors during this difficult time. While doing a little of each of those is good, some rules and structure actually help a child feel more emotionally safe.
Provide consistency between homes when possible, and when not at least provide consistency at your house. Co-parenting is difficult, particularly in the beginning when emotions are raw and you’re very aware of the differences that led to the break up. However, to whatever extent you are able to communicate with your co-parent and provide some consistency it again creates that safety net for the children. For instance, two parents may have different expectations about where a child should work on homework (one parent feels it should be done at the kitchen table where it can be monitored and the other is ok with it being completed in the bedroom) but both parents communicate that school work is important, homework must be completed and that they value good grades.
Encourage their relationship with both parents. When the emotions of a marital separation or divorce are raw, you may feel tempted to speak ill of your ex spouse. Even if you don’t say something directly, your child may pick up on your facial expression or body language when the other parent’s name comes up or your anxiety right before pick up time. Express to your child that even though you and their other parent have differences, you both love them and you want your child to have a good relationship with both parents. Tell them that any problems between the two of you are between the adults, but that you want them to have a good relationship with each of you. Avoid speaking ill of your spouse and instead communicate your confidence that your ex partner loves the child.
Encourage your child to find a healthy outlet for their emotions. This may mean joining a basketball team, a club, learning a new instrument or drawing. Anything that will allow them to clear their minds and feel a sense of control and accomplishment in one area of their lives. Encourage them to find something they are passionate about. Offer to arrange play dates Show an interest in their interests.
Consider counseling for yourself and/or consider divorce counseling for teenagers if emotions are impacting functioning. If your emotions are so strong that you feel overwhelmed or have difficulty following these tips, a therapist in Columbia MO can help you work through those and provide you a safe space to fully express your emotions. If your child’s grades begin to drop or their behavior dramatically changes, having a neutral third party that can help them express their emotions can be incredibly valuable. You can learn more about therapy services for children on our site.
Counseling for Teen Counseling in Columbia, MO
If you or your child are feeling “stuck,” depressed, have anxiety or are otherwise struggling to adjust after a divorce that’s, please reach out today. You may contact us using the form on this page or by calling 573-328-2288. Know that it is possible to come away from a divorce with all parties feeling happy and whole. Separation and divorce are stressful, but healing is possible. Happiness is possible. Growth is possible.
Learn more about one of our therapists, Joni, whose practice focuses on working with children and youth here. Joni uses a child’s language of play to make the therapy room a safe space and partners with parents to take the healing into the home environment. Follow these simple steps to get started:
1. Call 573-328-2288 or fill out our contact form.
2. Meet with one of our therapists for a free consultation.
3. Start helping your child cope with your divorce.
Other Mental Health Services at Aspire Counseling
Counseling for teenagers in Columbia MO is not the only service we offer at our Columbia, MO clinic. Other mental health services that Aspire Counseling provides include anxiety treatment, depression counseling, counseling for college students, counseling for caregivers, grief counseling, teen counseling, counseling for adults, LGBTQIA+ affirming counseling, DBT, trauma therapy for children and teens, counseling for sexual assault survivors, and online therapy. Contact us today!
