What is an Abandonment Wound?
In our information-saturated world, we absorb a multitude of messages, and social media often plays a role in shaping our perspectives. Take TikTok, for instance—a platform with a blend of valuable insights and, let's be honest, its fair share of misinformation. The scenario of individuals strolling into therapy armed with, "Well, I saw this thing on TikTok," is not just a punchline; it's a common reality that could make any mental health professional shed a tear. While TikTok can offer worthwhile advice, not every tidbit holds the weight of expertise. Now, you might be wondering, how does this connect to the weighty subject of abandonment wounds?
Throughout this three-part series, we'll explore the intricate connections. To kick things off, let's delve into what psychologists and therapists define as an abandonment wound and unravel the developmental journey of this complex emotional terrain from a source that will help you take a look at your own relationships and show you how you can begin to heal. So we begin with the response of what an abandonment wound is.
What is an Abandonment Wound?
Understanding abandonment wounds is like digging into layers of emotions, and I stumbled upon this idea during my grad school days, in my own life, and while helping clients. It's like your "wounded inner child" or a life trap that we sometimes carry. Dr. Jeffrey Young, a schema therapy expert, describes it as expecting others to leave, thinking people can't be relied on, seeing relationships as fragile, feeling like loss is bound to happen, and believing you'll end up alone. It's like having this default view that says, "People might not stick around, relationships could break, and I might be left alone." This perspective might sound a bit heavy, but in therapy, we unpack it together, trying to untangle these feelings and find a more hopeful way to navigate life.
How does an Abandonment Wound Develop?
The development of an abandonment wound is like tracing the roots of a tree, with both big "T" traumas and little "t" traumas contributing to its growth. Big "T" traumas, like significant losses, neglect, or abuse, can cast long shadows on our emotional landscape. For example, losing a parent and suddenly being thrust into the role of caring for siblings while the other parent is at work can leave a profound imprint.
Little "t" traumas, which are more subtle but accumulate over time, are equally impactful. Parentification, where a child takes on responsibilities beyond their years, is one such example. Picture a young person becoming a makeshift parent due to a lack of emotional or physical presence from their actual caregivers.
Entering the foster care system can be another source of abandonment wounds. The upheaval of moving between homes and the uncertainty of where you'll end up can foster a deep-seated fear of instability.
Experiencing toxic or abusive relationships, where trust is broken and safety compromised, can engrain the belief that people are unreliable and connections are fragile. It can also engrain the pattern that this is the only relationship we are worth having and instill a false sense of safety when we are with an abuser, and a false sense of danger or lack of passion when we are with someone safe. This in turn may also mean that we try to self-sabotage and create issues from nothing because that’s all we know
Another is Anxious attachment, stemming from inconsistent caregivers during childhood, which can set the stage for an abandonment wound. The constant uncertainty about when care and attention will be available can cultivate a fear of being left alone.
In essence, these experiences act as the fertile soil for abandonment wounds to take root, shaping the way we approach relationships and trust in the future. While this is not a comprehensive list, it can give you some insight into how it develops. If you are unfamiliar with how the body takes in trauma and other harmful situations, the Body Keeps Score is a great place to start learning about it. In therapy, we explore these roots, aiming to untangle the impact and foster healing.
Signs and Symptoms You May Have An Abandonment Wound?
Recognizing the signs and symptoms of an abandonment wound is a crucial step toward understanding and addressing it. Here are some indicators that you may be carrying an abandonment wound:
Fear of Rejection: An intense fear of being rejected or abandoned in relationships, leading to hesitancy in forming deep connections.
Difficulty Trusting Others: A pervasive difficulty in trusting others, stemming from a belief that people may leave or let you down.
Need for Constant Reassurance: Seeking constant reassurance and affirmation from others to alleviate the fear of abandonment.
Avoidance of Intimacy: Avoiding or sabotaging close relationships to preemptively protect oneself from potential future abandonment.
Over-Reliance on Independence: A strong emphasis on independence and self-reliance as a defense mechanism against potential abandonment.
Low Self-Worth: Feeling unworthy of love and connection, often tied to an underlying belief that you will ultimately end up alone.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Struggling to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, leading to a fear of being engulfed or abandoned.
Anxiety in Relationships: Experiencing heightened anxiety or insecurity in relationships, especially during times of perceived distance or conflict.
Overwhelming Fear of Loss: A constant, overwhelming fear of losing loved ones or being left alone, even in the absence of immediate threats.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: Engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors that undermine relationships, possibly as a way to control the anticipated abandonment.
These signs and symptoms are not exhaustive, and everyone's experience is unique. However, one thing to note from these signs is that avoidance and anxiety play a big role in this. If you are unfamiliar with attachment styles, we will talk about them more in the second part of the blog relating to relationships, both platonic and romantic.
Can one really heal from an abandonment wound?
Absolutely, healing from abandonment wounds is indeed possible. It's a journey that varies for each individual, and while it may not be fast or easy, it's marked by significant progress and transformation. The key factor is where one is in addressing past traumas and embarking on the path of healing.
For those who have been on the healing journey for a while, additional guidance and tools may be beneficial. Others may be starting from square one. It's essential to honor the uniqueness of each person's healing journey and offer oneself compassion. This involves self-care, sitting with emotions, acknowledging strengths, reaching out for help, fostering a supportive community, and being open to learning and trying new things.
From a psychological standpoint, the healing process may involve various therapeutic approaches. EMDR or Cognitive Processing Therapy can be instrumental in addressing core beliefs and stuck points, as well as processing challenging traumas. Learning skills for mindfulness, relationships, and emotional regulation from Dialectical Behavior Therapy may be part of the journey. Alternatively, delving into the past, exploring childhood experiences, acknowledging attachment styles and family relationships, and rewriting that narrative can be valuable.
It's crucial to recognize that healing is not a linear process. There may be moments of progress followed by setbacks, but the trajectory is toward growth and recovery. The readiness to embark on this journey is a personal decision. Healing and growth are achievable, and with time, individuals often find themselves embracing a new and empowered version of themselves that emerges from the healing process. Trusting in this transformative process and showing patience and kindness to oneself are integral aspects of the journey.
Begin Individual Relationship Therapy or Trauma Therapy in Missouri!
Healing is a process, and one you don’t have to go through alone. I won’t say that you will suddenly get better after a few sessions, but what I can say is when you invest in yourself, wonders can happen. If you are ready to put yourself first, and do the work, we have wonderful therapists in Columbia, MO, Lee Summit, and via online therapy in Missouri who can help. Whether you have been to therapy before or this is your first time, don’t be afraid to reach out and get the support you need. Our therapists at Aspire Counseling would love to help. To get started, follow these simple steps:
Have a free 30-minute consultation with one of our therapists
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Other Services Offered At Aspire Counseling
At Aspire Counseling, our talented therapists have a variety of skills. We believe in the use of evidence-based practice, which means research and effective tools are all we use. Other services offered include anxiety treatment, depression treatment, trauma therapy, therapy for body image issues, therapy for disordered eating, Cognitive Processing therapy, EMDR, CBT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, OCD Treatment, Individual Relationship Therapy, Grief Counseling, and More!
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