What Questions Should I Ask in IFS Therapy?
Starting Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy often feels like stepping into a new and unfamiliar world. You might hear terms like “Parts,” “Protectors,” and “Exiles” and wonder what it all means—or how this kind of therapy will actually help you feel better. That’s why asking the right questions, both of your therapist and of yourself, is such an important part of the process.
At Aspire Counseling, we offer IFS therapy in Missouri to help you explore these questions with support and compassion. Whether you’re just beginning to research this approach or you’re preparing for your first session, this guide will walk you through what you should know before starting IFS and share practical ways to connect with your Parts. When you have the right tools and understanding, you can begin your journey toward healing and self-leadership with more confidence and clarity.
What Does IFS Stand For?
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. It’s a therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz that focuses on understanding the different “Parts” within each of us—similar to an internal family. Some Parts protect you from pain, some carry emotional wounds, and all have important roles in how you experience life.
What Is IFS Explained Simply?
In simple terms, IFS helps you better understand why you feel conflicted or stuck sometimes. You might already say things like, “Part of me wants to say yes, but another part really wants to say no.” That’s IFS language in action!
Rather than trying to get rid of uncomfortable emotions or behaviors, IFS helps you listen to them. You learn to approach your Parts with curiosity and compassion, understanding what each one is trying to do for you—and why they deserve to be heard.
What Is IFS Parts Work?
Parts Work is the process of connecting with, understanding, and healing the different Parts within you. In therapy, this means slowing down, noticing what thoughts or feelings show up, and asking them gentle questions. Over time, you develop a better relationship with your internal world, leading to more calm, clarity, and balance in your daily life.
How Do I Talk to Parts in IFS?
Talking to your Parts starts with simply noticing them. You might ask yourself:
“What is this Part trying to protect me from?”
“What does this Part want me to know?”
“How long has this Part been carrying this responsibility?”
Remember, it’s okay if the answers don’t come right away. Just being open to listening is an important first step.
What Parts Are There in IFS?
In IFS, we generally talk about four types of Parts:
What Are Managers?
Managers work hard to keep your life running smoothly. They try to stay in control and prevent anything painful or uncomfortable from happening. These Parts might show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, or constant planning—anything that helps you avoid failure or emotional discomfort. While Managers can be incredibly effective at keeping life organized, they often operate from a place of fear, worried that if they let their guard down, painful emotions will surface.
What Are Firefighters?
Firefighters jump in when emotions start to feel overwhelming and immediate relief is needed. Their job is to distract or soothe you quickly—sometimes through things like overeating, scrolling social media, impulsive shopping, or even avoiding situations altogether. While these Parts can offer short-term comfort, their strategies often create new challenges and may prevent you from fully processing the emotions they’re trying to help you escape from.
What Are Protectors?
Protectors is the umbrella term for Managers and Firefighters. Both types of Protectors try to keep you from feeling the pain held by your more vulnerable Parts, often working tirelessly to shield you from distress. While their methods may seem harsh or unhelpful at times, it’s important to remember that Protectors have good intentions—they believe they’re keeping you safe, even if their strategies no longer serve you well.
What Are Exiles?
Exiles are the Parts that carry deep emotional wounds from past experiences. These Parts often feel young, sad, ashamed, or fearful—and they’re usually hidden away until they feel it’s safe to be seen. While your Protectors work hard to keep these vulnerable feelings out of your daily awareness, the pain Exiles carry doesn’t simply disappear. Over time, these hidden wounds can lead to feelings of stuckness, emotional overwhelm, or deep sadness.
You might wonder How to Talk to an Exile in IFS Therapy when these vulnerable Parts begin to surface. The key is to approach them gently, with patience and compassion. Your IFS therapist will help guide you through this process, ensuring that your Protectors feel safe enough to allow this connection, and that you’re speaking to your Exiles from a calm and supportive place of Self.
How Do You Identify Your Parts in IFS?
Start by paying attention to moments when you feel conflicted. You might notice internal dialogue like, “I really want to rest, but I also feel guilty about not being productive.” That’s two different Parts showing up.
Practice saying, “A part of me feels…” when emotions arise. This small shift helps you observe your feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them.
How Can I Get to Know My Parts Better?
Once you notice a Part is present, try asking it some gentle, curious questions:
“What do you need me to understand right now?”
“How long have you been helping me in this way?”
“What are you most afraid will happen if you stop doing your job?”
Remember, these Parts have often been working hard for a very long time. It may take time for them to open up and trust that you’re really listening.
How Do I Know When I’m Speaking from My Self?
In IFS, the Self is the calm, compassionate, and wise core of who you are. When you’re in Self-energy, you feel open, curious, and patient—not rushed, judgmental, or overwhelmed.
You can check in with yourself by asking:
“Am I feeling calm and open toward this Part?”
“Can I be curious about what this Part is saying, even if it feels uncomfortable?”
If the answer is no, that’s okay. Just noticing where you are is part of the process.
What Are the 6 Steps of IFS Healing?
IFS healing is a journey that follows these six general steps:
Getting to Know Your Parts – Starting to notice and identify the different voices and feelings inside you.
Developing Trust with Protectors – Helping your Managers and Firefighters feel safe enough to let you connect with deeper emotions.
Gaining Permission to Access Exiles – Only with the Protectors’ permission do you gently connect with the more vulnerable Parts.
Witnessing the Pain Held by Exiles – Listening to and validating the deep emotional pain that Exiles carry.
Helping Exiles Unburden Emotional Wounds – Supporting your Exiles in releasing the old burdens they’ve held onto for so long.
Restoring Balance and Self-Leadership – Moving forward with more calm, confidence, and connection in your daily life.
It’s Okay to Ask Questions as You Begin IFS Therapy
If you’re new to IFS, it’s completely normal to feel unsure or even skeptical. Many people start this work wondering things like, “Is IFS therapy legit?” or “Is IFS evidence-based?” These are important questions, and you should feel comfortable asking them. Therapy is a big commitment, and it makes sense to want reassurance that the approach you’re trying has real, proven benefits.
At Aspire Counseling, we take these questions seriously. Providing care that is both compassionate and grounded in research is at the heart of everything we do. Our decision to offer IFS therapy wasn’t made lightly—it’s the result of careful research, ongoing education, and the clinical experience of our seasoned therapists. We are now offering Internal Family Systems therapy, because we truly believe it can create meaningful, lasting change.
So if you’re wondering whether IFS is the right path for you, know that you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure this out by yourself. We’re here to answer your questions and help you explore the options that will best support your healing.
Begin Parts Work in Lee’s Summit, MO
At Aspire Counseling, we believe that healing begins when you learn to welcome all Parts of yourself with compassion. Whether you’re working through anxiety, trauma, or simply want to feel more balanced and connected, IFS therapy offers a path toward lasting change from the inside out.
We offer IFS therapy in Missouri, both in person at our Lee’s Summit office and online across the state. Our IFS-trained therapists are also trained in other evidence-based approaches, ensuring that you receive the well-rounded care you deserve.
If you’re ready to begin this journey, schedule a free consultation with our Client Care Coordinator. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Every Part of you deserves to be heard, welcomed, and cared for.
Let’s begin—together.
