Why Kids Get a Sticker After the Dentist and Adults Don't
My son sees a specialist for a minor medical issue. The visits aren’t his favorite, especially because it means missing school. While most kids might like that part, my child hates having to make up the homework. So, we try to reward him willingly going. Afterward, we usually stop for a shake or a pack of baseball cards.
Lately he's been asking to try a new card shop. He's already been to several but wanted to try a new one after his next appointment. When I mentioned this to Jill Hasso, LPC, one of our therapists in Lee's Summit, she knew exactly where to send us: Jay Young's Sports Cards and Collectibles in Greenwood, about ten minutes away. So that's our plan after his next appointment.
It's a small thing. But as Jill and I talked, I realized how normal this is for kids. Pediatric dentists hand out stickers or prizes. The doctor's office has a sticker basket. Parents plan a treat after a shot.
We know a hard thing is easier to face when something good comes after it. So, we reward our kids for doing the hard thing.
And then we grow up and mostly stop doing it for ourselves.
But we are humans too. And while we think grown ups are totally differnet, the truth is that much of the way our brains operate and much of how we can motivate ourselves is similar.
Why do adults stop rewarding themselves?
Part of it is just expectation. Adults are supposed to go to the dentist, do the dishes, and file the paperwork. Nobody hands you a sticker for paying the water bill.
Jill put it well. It's "not as acceptable for an adult to go take a sticker from a doctor's office." So we forget the idea altogether. We push through the hard stuff and move straight on to the next hard thing.
For a while, that can work. But it means a lot of your days are made up of tasks you don't want to do, followed by more tasks you don't want to do. There's not much in there that feels good.
What does this have to do with depression?
When you're depressed, the list of things you're avoiding tends to grow. And the things that used to feel rewarding tend to disappear.
I'll be honest about my own version of this. When my mood is lower, my house gets messier. Not dramatically, but the pile on the counter grows, and the cabinet under the sink gets out of control. And because order genuinely matters to me, the mess makes me feel worse. Which makes it harder to start. You can see where that goes.
Jill explained it this way: you naturally avoid the things you don't want to do. That's human. But when depression is involved, avoidance gives you a little relief now and costs you more later. The dreaded task is still there. Now it also comes with guilt.
This is where an idea from behavioral activation, one of the most well-researched treatments for depression, comes in. It's simple, and you've probably seen it work with kids: put something good right after something hard.
How does pairing a hard task with a reward work?
Jill uses the dentist as her go-to example. "Nobody likes going to the dentist," she said. "Maybe you go to the dentist, and that's not a fun activity, but it's gonna make it more enjoyable to go stop and get a cup of coffee... or hot chocolate or whatever that drink is."
There are three pieces to how she sets this up with clients.
The dreaded task goes on the calendar. Not "I should really do that this week." An actual day and time, the same way you'd schedule any other appointment. Jill said treating it like "any other event or any other appointment that you have" makes it more likely to happen.
The reward goes right after it. Not "sometime this weekend." Right after. That's what connects the two in your brain.
The reward is something you actually enjoy. More on that below.
Here's what that might look like:
Dreaded task→ Activity for right after
Dentist appointment→A drink from your favorite coffee shop
Organize under the kitchen sink→Read a chapter of your book on the couch
Answer the email you've been avoiding→Ten minutes outside with no phone
Call to schedule the appointment you keep putting off→Watch an episode of a show you like
Kid's doctor appointment→Card shop or a shake, together
That last one is my son and me. It works for both of us, honestly.
Does a task count if it's not fun?
When I asked Jill about my under-the-sink problem, I wondered whether cleaning even counts in behavioral activation. It's not exactly enjoyable.
It does count. Not every activity has to be fun to matter. Some things matter because they line up with what you value. For me, order is one of those things. Getting one small area organized gives me a sense of accomplishment, even if I didn't enjoy a single minute of it.
The reward is what helps get you there. Jill's version: after the cabinet's done, "you read a chapter of a book that you like, and then, you know, that is the enjoyable thing. And that's the reward after you get that one thing that wasn't enjoyable done."
So you end up with two kinds of good feelings. The satisfaction of having done the hard thing, and the plain enjoyment of the thing that came after. When you're depressed, both are in short supply.
What makes a good reward?
This part is more personal than it sounds. A few things Jill pays attention to:
It has to feel rewarding to you. Not to your spouse, not to your best friend. For one person it's a new shirt. For another it's an hour with a book. If it doesn't feel like a treat to you, it won't do much.
It can't already be part of your routine. This was my favorite part of our conversation. If you get Starbucks every day, getting Starbucks after the dentist isn't a reward. It's Tuesday. The reward needs to be something a little out of the ordinary.
It can be small. Five extra minutes with your coffee. A chapter of a book. Sitting on the couch without folding laundry at the same time.
It should feel good afterward, too. Three hours of scrolling might feel good in the moment, but it often leaves you feeling worse. Pick something that adds to your day instead of draining it.
If you're in the Lee's Summit area, a chai at Frost Coffee House or a coffee from Whistle Stop in downtown Lee's Summit is a pretty great reward after an appointment you've been dreading.
And it doesn't have to be a solo thing. Some of the best rewards involve someone you love. Jill enjoys going to the card shop with her husband, even though she doesn't collect cards herself, because she enjoys how much he loves it. That's part of why my son and I are heading to Greenwood.
Isn't this just bribing myself?
Sometimes, adults resist this, because they feel like they shouldn't need a reward to do basic things.
But think about the kid with the dentist sticker. Nobody thinks that child is spoiled or weak. We understand that a hard thing is hard, and that something good afterward helps.
You're allowed that same understanding.
This isn't about lowering your standards. It's about making it possible to meet them when your energy is low. If you tend to hold yourself to a really high bar, this post on breaking the perfectionism and procrastination cycle may also be useful.
One practical note: keep the order. The hard thing comes first, then the reward. If the reward starts happening instead of the task, that's worth noticing, and it's a great thing to bring to therapy.
What if I can't make myself do it, even with a reward?
That happens, especially when depression is heavy. A reward helps, but it's not magic.
This is where working with a therapist makes a real difference. In behavioral activation, Jill actually sits down with clients and schedules the hard task and the reward together, during the session, with a specific day and time. Then they look at how it went the following week. If the task was too big, they make it smaller. If the reward didn't feel like much, they try a different one.
She also has clients rate their mood before and after, so you can see what actually helps instead of guessing. We walk through that whole process in what behavioral activation actually looks like in a therapy session.
And if you did the task, got the reward, and still felt flat, that's not a sign it can't work for you. We wrote about that, too: I did the thing and still felt nothing.
Depression Therapy in Lee's Summit and Online Across Missouri
Jill Hasso, LPC, offers behavioral activation for depression at our Lee's Summit office and online anywhere in Missouri. She's practical, warm, and very focused on making changes you can actually feel in your week.
Every new client starts with a free consultation, so you can ask questions and see whether it's a good fit. Call us at (816) 287-1116 (Lee's Summit) or 573-328-2288 (Columbia). Both numbers reach the same client care team or you can reach out to our team online.
You'd give a kid a sticker after a hard appointment. You're allowed to be that kind to yourself, too. Whenever you're ready for effective care and lasting change, we're here.
About the Author
Jessica Oliver, MSW, LCSW, is the founder and clinical director of Aspire Counseling. She started her career working with children and teens, including two years in a school setting, and now especially loves working with parents. She's seen firsthand how the strategies that help kids get through hard things often work just as well for the adults who love them. This post draws on an interview with Jill Hasso, LPC, who provides behavioral activation, Cognitive Processing Therapy, and CBT-I at Aspire's Lee's Summit office and online across Missouri.
