Why do Women Wait to Report Sexual Assault & Rape?
Recently it feels like nearly every day there is news on TV about sexual assault. We’re hearing stories of women being grabbed inappropriately or being pressured into performing sexual acts with males who have power over them. We’re also hearing stories about violent sexual assaults, chronic domestic violence and rape. Sometimes, these news stories about sexual violence even hit close to home.
I’ve heard people quietly question why victims are coming forward now, often months or even years after the violent act (be it sexual assault, domestic violence or rape) took place. As a Columbia, MO trauma counselor, I want to speak up and offer an answer to this question. Keep in mind that the women I treat have usually experienced significant trauma that was more than a inappropriate, unwanted touch. I see women who were made to participate in sexual acts against their will or raped. The women enter my office are usually scared and emotionally drained by the time they decide to come to counseling. They often can’t even tell me their full story until we’ve worked together for at least a couple of months despite the trauma being the very reason they’re seeking treatment.
Avoiding Instead of Reporting: A Common First Reaction to Sexual Assault
While every trauma story is different, one common timeline I hear is that the a woman was assaulted, abused or raped and immediately tried to put it out of her mind. Often the victim believes the violence was her own fault, she is afraid of the consequences of coming forward or she simply wants to forget it ever happened. Often the victim is so immersed in this denial that they don’t even acknowledge that the experience was an assault or rape.
At first, the victim may be able to cover up their feelings about their trauma. They may even engage in other risky behavior such as excessive drinking, partying, “hook ups,” drugs or made sudden life changing decisions. Or perhaps none of that-they just go about their day to day life trying to put on a brave face. Very few people in their life realize anything happened. This is especially true of college students who people may expect to have some fluctuations in behavior. Sometimes the survivors are successful for months even in convincing themselves that the rape or sexual assault didn’t have an impact.
The Development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms begin-these may seem to hit suddenly or could creep up slowly. The sexual violence survivor realizes that she’s sleeping less even though she may be in bed more. When she does sleep, she sometimes has nightmares. She may see her attacker’s face or otherwise feel threatened in her dreams. Even during the day, she’s jumpy. It seems like she’s scared of every little thing. She may start missing classes or work because walking, even just from a parking lot to her office or class, feels like taking a major risk. She’s always watching for attacker.
Some victims are forced to see their assailant at work, class or other public places. Even if they don’t, they’re worried about spotting the man who hurt them in a crowd. The woman is watching for him everywhere she goes and if she sees someone with a similar build, hair color or other feature her heart stops for just a minute until she realizes it’s someone else. Despite avoiding situations, people and things that suddenly make her feel unsafe, the victim still can’t get the images, sounds or feelings she experienced during the trauma out of her head and it feels like she’s reliving the violence over and over again.
Reporting the Rape or Sexual Assault
Reaching out for help can feel impossible. The survivor (and yes, I’m purposefully saying survivor instead of victim) is just now admitting to herself what really happened. Maybe she’s still afraid to say the words “sexual assault,” “Domestic Abuse,” or “rape” out loud. She’s not sure if she can feel better, but she knows she needs to find a way to stop the PTSD symptoms if she’s going to be able to move forward. It’s around this point that she may file a police report, start the Title 9 process (for college students), disclose the assault or abuse to a trusted friend/family member, or seek counseling for PTSD. Even if she does one of these, she may not do the other. For instance, the survivor may open up to a friend and share that she was raped but choose not to tell her parents or file a police report.
Why the delay in reporting rape? #WhyIDidntReport
So, why don’t women report sexual violence immediately? It varies based on situation and the reasons can be complicated, but here are a few reasons I hear:
The victim doesn’t immediately acknowledge or label the event as an assault, trauma or sexual abuse. They may not even understand that what they went through was rape/sexual assault. Often survivors can’t even say the word “rape” outlaid, especially in reference to their own experience for years.
The woman is afraid she won’t be believed either because the assailant is in a position of power, is well liked or simply because they’re a female. To be honest, the recent news cycle isn’t helping with this. Survivors of sexual violence are watching the news very closely right now. They’re also seeing the reactions of their friends, colleagues, peers and family members on social media. Each time someone on social media posts that a survivor is trying to “ruin a man’s life,” or hears a politician make the case that their colleague shouldn’t lose his position due to “one mistake,” the survivor notices. When a loved one is discussing the news cycle and shakes their head saying, “Unfortunately it’s a case of he said, she said,” the survivor takes note. If they told you, if they came forward, their case would be the same.
The victim is worried she is at fault. Maybe she had something to drink, initially eagerly engaged in making out, or agreed to go somewhere alone with a man and she thinks she should have “known better.” Even if she acknowledges that her actions don’t give the man a right to hurt her, she may worry that others will think something she did implied consent. For many, many years our society wrongly gave the impression that somehow women needed to “cover up” or make specific choices to avoid “giving the wrong impression.” Why is it ok for a man to attack a woman just because she’s drunk, dressed in revealing clothing or let him pay for a date? The answer is that it’s not, but women have often internalized that message to the point where they think they somehow “asked for” or “deserved” the sexual assault.
The woman doesn’t think she can emotionally handle it if her attacker is found “not guilty” or “not responsible.” This is a tough one, because it’s a realistic fear. Entirely too often, rapists and assailants suffer little or no consequences even after a report has been made. This can feel devastating to the person making the report. It’s re-traumatizing to go through the reporting process and then they feel invalidated when their perpetrator is allowed to continue walking around as if nothing happened or faces very minimal consequence.
The victim feels that reporting won’t make a difference because it can’t erase the trauma.
For more reasons, search #WhyIDidntReport on Twitter. The results are powerful. Women are speaking up across the country about the many, many reasons they hesitate to disclose sexual assault and instead live in silent pain.
How to Support a Survivor Who Discloses Sexual Assault
Regardless of her reasons for waiting, women are emotionally vulnerable when they do decide to come forward. They need your support, not questions. Every judgmental thought someone thinks of, the woman has already thought herself. And each time someone publicly questions her credibility or insists that the assailant is a “good guy,” the victim hurts more. So please, understand that her silence was how she protected herself for a very long time. Coming forward feels scary but she’s trying to have hope that our system will work and that society will change. Some women are coming forward now, because they’ve seen others be supported and for the first time are starting to believe for the first time that maybe, just maybe, society might be ready to hear their story. Please, show your support for the women strong enough to stand up and say #MeToo. Give all victims, both those who are silent and those who have the courage to speak up, reason to hope.
Helpful Resources:
5 Things to Consider In the Age of #MeToo
4 Ways to Support a Loved One After Sexual Assault
Signs a College Student May have PTSD
Rape and Sexual Violence Prevent Center for University of Missouri Students
Office for Civil Rights & Title IX for University of Missouri Students & Staff
Counseling For Survivors of Sexual Assault
Please, contact Aspire Counseling today if you’ve been on the receiving end of sexual violence or domestic abuse. Healing is possible and our caring therapists are trained in evidence based treatments that can help you find emotional freedom. Your trauma doesn’t have to define you. You’ve lived in fear long enough. It can and does get better. Get help and start your journey today.
1. Call 573-328-2288 or fill out our contact form.
2. Meet with one of our understanding therapists for a free consultation.
3. Start finding closure and feeling better
Other Mental Health Services at Aspire Counseling
This is not the only service we offer at our Columbia, MO clinic. Other mental health services that Aspire Counseling provides include anxiety treatment, depression counseling, counseling for college students, counseling for caregivers, grief counseling, teen counseling, counseling for adults, LGBTQIA+ affirming counseling, DBT, trauma therapy for children and teens, counseling for sexual assault survivors, and online therapy. Contact us today!
About The Author
Jessica is a therapist and the founder of Aspire Counseling in Columbia, MO. Jessica works with teens, college students & adults who have PTSD or extreme anxiety. She believes in the power of counseling and has sought out training on effective, well researched trauma treatments. In addition, she’s added other therapists to the practice who also specialize in trauma counseling. If you would like to speak to us about how counseling might help you move beyond surviving and toward thriving, please contact Aspire Counseling by e-mail or by calling 573-328-2288. You don’t have to stay stuck. Healing starts here.
