Acceptance in ACT Therapy: Receiving What You Didn't Ask For
Blog #2 in The Hexaflex: a 6 part series on Acceptance & Commitment Therapy
Where the Word Acceptance Comes From
The word acceptance was formed in the 14th century Latin to mean "take or receive willingly." The word tolerate comes from the 16th century, meaning "allow without interference, suffer to be done, allow negatively by not preventing." Definitionally, we use both to form what we use as the word "acceptance" today.
It often means a variety of things when speaking normally to those we just carry on conversation with. It can take a few forms, notably these two:
To passively admit, allow with interference, to tolerate
And to receive willingly like a gift
"It Is What It Is"
When using the form to passively admit, one might express "it is what it is." I hear this phrase all the time in my office. It functions to do a couple of things. The first is accepting what is out of our control. The second is attempting to stop any movement from our emotions and thoughts.
To finish the phrase "it is what it is AND it doesn't matter what I think or feel." Imagine talking with a friend and reiterating to them that what they think and feel about a situation doesn't matter or isn't valid. We wouldn't do that if we really valued that friendship! It's so easy in tough situations to show ourselves invalidation for those unwanted thoughts and feelings.
Easy Bake Ovens and Avocados
The latter is often the version that Acceptance and Commitment Therapy strives to achieve. Think about the word receive itself. Think for a moment about receiving gifts for your birthday. Some of them are wrapped in fun wrapping paper, some are cards with handwritten messages, others very clearly some of your favorite treats.
You opt to start tearing apart the gift with the most fun wrapping paper and bow. It's just what you asked for! An easy bake oven from Mom and Dad. You're filled with joy and happiness.
As you move onto the next gift, a yellow bag with tissue paper adorning the top, friends wait with anticipation as you open it. You get to the bottom of the bag and you find one single avocado. You're immediately reminded of the rule your parents told you before opening gifts, "it doesn't matter the gift, accept it with kindness and thanks." Through gritted teeth, you look up at the friend who brought you your unwanted avocado and muster a small "thanks I guess." It leaves you with confusion and disappointment.
Your parents in this scenario are encouraging you to practice acceptance for unwanted things even when it's the most difficult to do so.
When Wanted and Unwanted Show Up Together
Thinking in practical terms now instead of metaphor, imagine a time that you can recall that feels really nice like joy or excitement. In recent memory for me, standing at the foot of a lighthouse in Maine during peak Fall. I can still remember the breeze, the smell, and the enjoyment standing next to my partner. Those feel good and pausing to feel them is easy and important.
Now remind yourself of a time when you felt ashamed or powerless. For me, the powerlessness and grief of losing a family member sticks out. It's painful to remember my grandmother and who she was to me. I find myself tearing up writing this on the page and it's not as enjoyable. I'm reminded every October of her passing and the falling of the Ozark Oranges on the ground by my home.
Step in my shoes for a moment to take in the emotional experience that October brings me at times. The reminder of the wind at my back on a crisp day, standing by the lighthouse in Maine nearing the 8th anniversary of my grandmother's passing. What an amalgamation of emotion. Without acceptance for both experiences, the wanted and unwanted emotions, I fear it would cause overwhelm or as if those feelings were just fighting in my head for attention.
Why Fighting Your Experience Doesn't Work
The idea of acceptance, in session and outside of it, is the notion that it is fruitless to fight with our experience. Life sometimes hands us easy bake ovens and trips to Maine. Other times it hands us avocados and debilitating loss. If we can allow ourselves to be curiously open to both, despite our best efforts to close off the unwanted, it can give us a leg up in building flexibility and acceptance.
What Does Avoidance Look Like for You?
If you are wanting a way to level up your ability to accept hard experiences, it may be important to begin to imagine the ways in which you avoid. Avoidance itself offers a picture of how our brain understands hard and unwanted experiences. Your brain will say "if we can avoid things that harm us, we will live longer." Take a moment to best understand the ways you like to avoid and take notice of them.
Common avoidance strategies include:
Overworking
Substance use
Skipping therapy
Video games (my favorite)
None of these are things to feel guilty about. Noticing the ways you avoid simply shows you which gifts you've been leaving unopened, and that noticing is where the practice begins. Acceptance isn't a trait you either have or you don't. It's a skill, and you can build it slowly, starting with whatever this month hands you.
Start Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in Columbia, MO
Acceptance is easier to describe than it is to practice. Most people already know that fighting their own experience is exhausting. What's harder is finding somewhere to practice doing it differently, with someone who notices when you quietly slip back into the fight.
That's a good deal of what ACT looks like in session. We work with what actually shows up, the wanted and the unwanted, and build the flexibility to carry both without one crowding out the other.
If you'd like to try that:
Call our Columbia office at 573-328-2288 or our Lee's Summit office at 816-287-1116.
Tell our client care coordinator a little about what's been going on.
Get matched with a therapist who fits what you're working on.
We see clients in person in Columbia and Lee's Summit, and online across Missouri. Whenever you're ready for effective care and lasting change, we're here.
About the Author
Jordan Lascuola, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Aspire Counseling in Columbia, Missouri. He earned his Master of Social Work from the University of Missouri and holds a bachelor's degree in psychology, with a minor in sociology, from Truman State University.
Jordan has been facilitating Acceptance and Commitment Therapy groups since 2017, starting at Fulton State Hospital and continuing through years of community mental health work. He also trained as a social work intern at Rock Bridge High School here in Columbia. Along the way, he built and led a tabletop role playing game therapy group for teens, which says a lot about how he thinks: meet people through what they actually care about, then do the real work from there.
Jordan works with teens and adults ages 14 and up on anxiety, depression, trauma, and life transitions. He also offers parental coaching. His practice is queer and neurodiverse affirming. Alongside ACT, he is trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy and draws on compassion focused approaches. He sees clients in person in Columbia and online across Missouri.
To work with Jordan, call 573-328-2288 or reach out through our contact page.
