How Do I Stop Being So Hard on Myself?
A Gentle Guide for When You Feel Like You’re Never “Enough”
If you’re reading this, you might already know what it feels like to carry a heavy inner critic. Maybe you push yourself to be perfect. Maybe you replay conversations in your head, wondering if you said the wrong thing. Maybe you feel like you should be doing more, trying harder, or keeping it all together even when you’re exhausted.
People who are hard on themselves often look calm and capable on the outside. But inside, they feel overwhelmed, tense, or stuck. Jill works with many people who feel this way—people who are thoughtful, caring, and responsible, yet constantly worried they’re falling short. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Let’s slow down and look at why this happens and what can help.
Why You’re So Hard on Yourself (It’s Not Because You’re “Broken”)
Being tough on yourself usually didn’t start yesterday. It often comes from old patterns—ways you learned to survive, stay safe, or keep the peace.
You might be hard on yourself because:
You grew up needing to be the “good one,” the helper, or the strong one
You learned that mistakes weren’t safe
You felt responsible for other people’s feelings
You believed love had to be earned
You were praised for being mature, quiet, or easy
You learned to shut down your own needs to avoid conflict
These patterns can follow you into adulthood. They can make you feel like you must always be careful, always be kind, always be perfect, always be in control. And when you can’t keep up with those impossible rules, you blame yourself.
But here’s the truth: You didn’t choose these patterns. They were shaped by your experiences. And they can be unlearned.
The Voice Inside You Isn’t “You”
Many people Jill works with describe an inner voice that says things like:
“You should have done better.”
“Why did you say that?”
“You’re too much.”
“You’re not enough.”
This voice feels powerful, but it’s not your true self. It’s a protective part of you—one that learned long ago that being hard on yourself might keep you safe from disappointment, rejection, or conflict.
Therapy helps you slow down and understand this voice instead of letting it run your life. When you understand where it came from, it loses some of its power.
Signs You Might Be Too Hard on Yourself
You might notice:
You replay mistakes over and over
You apologize even when you didn’t do anything wrong
You feel guilty for resting
You worry about letting people down
You feel numb or shut down when things get overwhelming
You struggle to ask for help
You feel like you’re “too sensitive” or “not enough”
These aren’t flaws. They’re signals that you’ve been carrying too much for too long.
What Helps You Be Kinder to Yourself
Here are some gentle steps you can try. They’re simple, but not always easy—especially when you’re stressed or anxious. Go slowly.
1. Notice the tone you use with yourself
When you make a mistake or feel overwhelmed, pause and ask:
“Would I talk to someone I care about this way?”
If the answer is no, that’s a sign your inner critic is taking over.
2. Name what you’re feeling
Jill often helps clients learn to name their emotions. When you can say, “I feel scared,” or “I feel ashamed,” or “I feel tired,” your body starts to relax. Naming a feeling doesn’t make it bigger—it makes it easier to understand.
3. Remember that emotions aren’t “too much”
Many people fear that their emotions will overwhelm others. Jill’s approach is grounded, steady, and calm—she believes your feelings deserve space. You don’t have to hide them or shrink them down.
4. Practice small acts of self‑kindness
Not big, dramatic changes. Just small ones, like:
Taking a breath before reacting
Letting yourself rest without earning it
Saying “I did my best today”
Allowing yourself to be human
Small steps build trust with yourself.
5. Understand the pattern, not just the behavior
Many of our therapists can help you undersatnd what is going on. One of our Lee’s Summit therapists who is particularly good at this work is Jill Hasso, LPC. Jill’s work focuses on insight—helping you understand why you do what you do. When you understand the deeper pattern, you can make new choices instead of repeating old ones.
Counseling in Missouri: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Being hard on yourself can feel lonely. You may think no one else feels this way, or that your emotions are “too much” for someone to sit with. But Jill’s clients often discover the opposite: when someone meets you with warmth, steadiness, and no judgment, healing becomes possible.
Therapy gives you a safe place to slow down, understand your patterns, and learn how to treat yourself with the same care you give everyone else.
You don’t have to keep carrying this weight by yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of support. You don’t have to stay stuck in old patterns that no longer serve you.
You’re allowed to grow. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to be human.
