How to Help Your Anxious or Traumatized Child: Strategies That Work (& What to Avoid)
Your child is struggling. Maybe they're anxious about school, worried about everything, or still reeling from something difficult that happened. You can see they're hurting, and you want to help.
But here's the problem: you're not sure what to do. Some things you try seem to help temporarily, then stop working. Other things seem to make it worse. You're second-guessing yourself, feeling guilty, and wondering if you're doing this parenting thing all wrong.
Take a breath. You're not failing. Helping an anxious or traumatized child is genuinely difficult, even for mental health professionals. But there are strategies that work—and understanding what to do (and what not to do) can make a real difference.
Whether your child needs support for anxiety, trauma, or both, this guide will give you practical tools you can use right now. And we'll also help you understand when home strategies aren't enough and professional help is needed.
If you're looking for child counseling in Columbia, MO, specialized therapy for anxious children, or trauma therapy for kids, this guide will help you support your child while getting them the professional care they need.
Understanding Your Role as a Parent
Before we dive into specific strategies, let's talk about your role. Because one of the biggest challenges parents face is finding the balance between validation and enabling.
You Can't Fix It, But You Can Help
Here's something that's hard to hear: you can't make your child's anxiety or trauma disappear. You can't protect them from every hard thing. You can't logic them out of fear or convince them to feel differently.
But you can:
Provide a safe, stable environment
Teach them skills to manage difficult emotions
Model healthy coping
Be a calm, reassuring presence
Know when professional help is needed
Validation Without Enabling
Validation means acknowledging your child's feelings without trying to fix, dismiss, or minimize them.
Enabling means allowing anxiety or trauma responses to control your family's life and prevent your child from building resilience.
The tricky part? The line between the two can feel blurry.
What Validation Looks Like
"I can see you're really scared right now. That feeling is real."
"It makes sense that you're worried about this."
"I understand why that situation feels hard for you."
What Enabling Looks Like
Structuring your entire family's life around your child's anxiety
Allowing them to avoid everything that makes them uncomfortable
Doing things for them that they're capable of doing themselves
Not setting boundaries because you're afraid of triggering their anxiety
Finding the Balance
The goal is to validate feelings while gently pushing toward growth. It sounds like:
"I know going to school feels really scary right now. Your feelings are valid. And we're still going to go, because I know you can handle it. I'll walk you to the door, and I'll be here when school is over."
This acknowledges the fear without letting it win.
What Not to Do When Your Child Has Anxiety
Let's start with what doesn't work. These are common parent responses that usually backfire.
Don't Dismiss or Minimize Their Feelings
What it sounds like:
"You're fine, there's nothing to worry about."
"Stop being so dramatic."
"You're overreacting."
"Other kids don't have this problem."
Why it doesn't work: Your child's anxiety is real to them. Dismissing it makes them feel misunderstood and alone. It doesn't make the anxiety go away—it just teaches them not to come to you when they're struggling.
Don't Provide Endless Reassurance
What it looks like: Your child asks, "What if something bad happens?" You reassure them. Five minutes later, they ask again. You reassure them again. This cycle repeats endlessly.
Why it doesn't work: Reassurance provides temporary relief but reinforces the anxiety cycle. Your child learns that they can't tolerate uncertainty without your input. The need for reassurance grows, not shrinks.
What to Do Instead
Set limits on reassurance: "I'll answer this question one more time, then we're going to move on to something else."
Or teach them to answer their own anxious questions: "What do you think? What have we talked about before?"
Don't Enable Avoidance
What it looks like: Your child doesn't want to go to school, so you let them stay home. They don't want to go to a birthday party, so you make excuses. They don't want to sleep alone, so they sleep in your bed every night.
Why it doesn't work: Avoidance makes anxiety worse. Every time your child avoids something, their brain learns "That thing is dangerous, and I can't handle it." The fear grows bigger, not smaller.
What to Do Instead
Gently push toward facing fears in small steps. We'll talk about how to do this in the next section.
Don't Get Angry or Punitive
What it sounds like:
"I'm so tired of dealing with this!"
"You need to just get over it."
"If you don't stop this, there will be consequences."
Why it doesn't work: Anxiety and trauma responses aren't choices. Your child isn't trying to manipulate you or make your life harder. They're genuinely struggling. Anger and punishment add shame and fear on top of what they're already feeling.
What to Do Instead
Take a breath. Remind yourself that their behavior is a symptom, not defiance. Respond with calm compassion, even when it's hard.
Don't Compare Them to Other Kids
What it sounds like:
"Your sister never had this problem."
"Other kids go to school without crying."
"Why can't you just be brave like your friend Emma?"
Why it doesn't work: Comparisons add shame. They don't motivate change—they just make your child feel broken and different.
What to Do Instead
Acknowledge their individual experience: "I know this is harder for you than it is for some other kids. That's okay. We're going to work on it together."
Effective Strategies for Calming an Anxious Child
Now let's talk about what does work. These strategies help anxious children regulate their emotions and build resilience.
Teach and Practice Deep Breathing
Deep breathing is one of the most powerful tools for managing anxiety. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the body's stress response.
Techniques to Try
Belly Breathing:
Put one hand on chest, one on belly
Breathe in through nose, feeling belly rise
Breathe out slowly through mouth
Repeat 5-10 times
4-7-8 Breathing:
Breathe in for 4 counts
Hold for 7 counts
Breathe out for 8 counts
Repeat 3-4 times
Bubble Breathing: For younger kids, pretend to blow bubbles. This naturally creates slow, deep breaths.
Practice When Calm
Don't wait for a meltdown to teach breathing. Practice daily when your child is calm so it becomes automatic.
Use Grounding Techniques
Grounding brings your child back to the present moment when anxiety pulls them into worried thoughts about the future.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Technique
Ask your child to identify:
5 things they can see
4 things they can touch
3 things they can hear
2 things they can smell
1 thing they can taste
Physical Grounding
Hold ice cubes
Squeeze a stress ball
Jump up and down
Stomp their feet
Hug themselves tightly
Create a "Calm Down" Toolkit
Work with your child to create a personalized toolkit of things that help when they're anxious.
What to Include
Favorite stuffed animal or comfort object
Fidget toys
Calming music playlist
List of grounding exercises
Photos of safe, happy memories
Encouraging notes from you
Keep this toolkit in an accessible place. Let your child use it independently when needed.
Establish Predictable Routines
Anxious children thrive on predictability. When they know what to expect, they feel safer.
Morning Routine
Create a consistent morning routine and post it where your child can see it. This reduces morning anxiety and decision fatigue.
Bedtime Routine
A calming bedtime routine helps anxious children wind down:
Dim lights 30 minutes before bed
No screens for the last hour
Same sequence every night (bath, pajamas, story, lights out)
Stay calm and consistent even when they resist
Transition Warnings
Give warnings before transitions: "In 5 minutes, we're going to leave for school." This helps anxious children prepare mentally.
Use Gradual Exposure
Gradual exposure means facing fears in small, manageable steps. This is the most effective long-term strategy for anxiety.
How It Works
Make a list of feared situations
Rank them from least to most scary
Start with the easiest one
Practice until it feels less scary
Move to the next step
Example: School Refusal
Step 1: Drive by the school
Step 2: Walk around the school playground on weekends
Step 3: Go inside the school when it's empty
Step 4: Attend school for 30 minutes
Step 5: Stay for half a day
Step 6: Full school day
This takes time and patience. Celebrate each small victory.
Validate Feelings, Then Problem-Solve
When your child is anxious, lead with validation, then move to solutions.
The Formula
Acknowledge the feeling: "I can see you're really worried about the test."
Normalize it: "A lot of kids feel nervous before tests."
Problem-solve together: "What could we do to help you feel more prepared?"
This teaches your child that feelings are valid AND manageable.
How to Support a Child Who's Experienced Trauma
If your child has been through something traumatic, anxiety is often part of their trauma response. Supporting a traumatized child requires some specific strategies.
Prioritize Safety Above All
Traumatized children need to feel safe—physically and emotionally. This is the foundation for everything else.
Creating Physical Safety
Maintain predictable routines
Keep your home calm and organized
Avoid yelling or harsh discipline
Protect them from re-traumatization (avoid triggers when possible)
Be physically present and available
Creating Emotional Safety
Be consistent and reliable
Follow through on promises
Respond calmly to emotional outbursts
Don't punish trauma responses
Let them know all feelings are okay
Understand Trauma Behaviors Aren't Defiance
When traumatized children act out, it's usually a trauma response, not deliberate misbehavior.
Common Trauma Behaviors
Aggression or hitting
Running away or hiding
Lying to avoid trouble
"Overreacting" to small things
Shutting down emotionally
Responding to Trauma Behaviors
Instead of punishment, ask yourself: "What is my child's nervous system trying to communicate?"
Aggression often means "I feel threatened"
Running means "I need to escape danger"
Lying means "I don't feel safe telling the truth"
Shutting down means "I'm overwhelmed"
Respond with compassion and help them feel safe, not with consequences.
Help Them Name and Express Feelings
Traumatized children often struggle to identify and communicate emotions.
Feelings Check-Ins
Throughout the day, ask: "How's your body feeling right now? Where do you feel it?"
Use a feelings chart with faces to help younger children identify emotions.
Encourage Expression
Give them healthy ways to express feelings:
Drawing or coloring
Playing with toys
Physical movement (running, jumping)
Journaling for older kids
Sensory play (playdough, kinetic sand)
Don't Force Them to Talk About It
Many parents think traumatized children need to talk about what happened. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Let Them Lead
Make it clear you're available: "If you ever want to talk about what happened, I'm here."
But don't push. Forcing conversations can feel re-traumatizing.
When They Do Talk
Listen without judgment
Don't act shocked or upset (even if you are)
Validate their feelings
Don't minimize what happened
Don't give false reassurances ("It will never happen again")
If trauma is significantly impacting your child's life, professional trauma therapy is essential.
Take Care of Your Own Reactions
Your child picks up on your emotions. If you're anxious, angry, or overwhelmed about what happened, they'll feel that.
Manage Your Own Trauma Response
Process your own feelings with a therapist or trusted friend (not with your child)
Practice self-care so you can be calm and present
Work on regulating your own nervous system
Model healthy coping
Creating an Emotionally Healthy Environment at Home
Beyond specific strategies, the overall environment you create matters enormously.
Model Healthy Emotional Regulation
Your child is watching how you handle stress and difficult emotions.
What to Model
Name your own feelings: "I'm feeling frustrated right now."
Use healthy coping strategies: "I'm going to take some deep breaths."
Show it's okay to make mistakes: "I handled that badly. Let me try again."
Demonstrate problem-solving: "This is a problem. Let's think of solutions."
Reduce Overall Stress in the Home
A chaotic, stressful home environment makes anxiety and trauma responses worse.
Ways to Reduce Stress
Minimize yelling and conflict
Limit overscheduling
Reduce screen time (especially violent or scary content)
Create calm, unstructured time
Protect sleep schedules
Make mealtimes peaceful
Foster Connection
Strong parent-child connection is protective. It helps children feel safe and builds resilience.
Daily Connection Practices
One-on-one time with each child (even 10 minutes)
Physical affection (hugs, cuddles, high-fives)
Listening without judgment
Laughing together
Family rituals (game night, special breakfast)
Celebrate Small Wins
Anxious and traumatized children benefit from noticing progress, even tiny progress.
What to Celebrate
Trying something even though they were scared
Using a coping strategy independently
Talking about their feelings
Facing a fear, even partially
Getting through a difficult situation
Be specific: "I noticed you used your deep breathing when you felt worried. I'm proud of you."
When Home Strategies Aren't Enough: Signs You Need Professional Help
You're doing your best. But sometimes, despite everything you try, your child needs more than you can provide at home.
Signs It's Time for Professional Help
Anxiety or Trauma Symptoms Are Severe
Interfering with school, friendships, or daily activities
Getting worse instead of better
Causing significant distress for your child
Lasting more than a few weeks
Your Child Is In Crisis
Seek immediate help if your child:
Talks about wanting to die or not wanting to be alive
Engages in self-harm (cutting, hitting themselves)
Shows extremely reckless or dangerous behavior
Has experienced or witnessed severe trauma
Your Family Is Overwhelmed
You've tried home strategies and nothing is helping
Family life revolves around your child's anxiety or trauma
Siblings are being neglected
Your mental health is suffering
You need guidance and support
What Professional Help Looks Like
Professional therapy gives your child tools that home strategies alone can't provide.
For Anxiety
Evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) teach children to challenge anxious thoughts and face fears gradually.
For Trauma
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) helps children process traumatic experiences and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
For Both
A good therapist will:
Assess your child's specific needs
Create a personalized treatment plan
Teach concrete skills
Involve you as the parent
Collaborate with schools when appropriate
What to Expect from Therapy for Anxious and Traumatized Children
If you're considering therapy, you might wonder what actually happens in sessions.
The First Few Sessions
Your therapist will:
Build rapport with your child
Assess symptoms and history
Identify goals
Explain the treatment approach
Involve you in creating a plan
Ongoing Sessions
For Anxiety Therapy
Learning coping skills (breathing, grounding, relaxation)
Identifying and challenging anxious thoughts
Creating exposure hierarchies
Gradually facing fears with support
Practicing skills at home
For Trauma Therapy
Building safety and coping skills first
Gradually talking about the trauma
Creating a "trauma narrative"
Processing difficult memories
Reducing trauma symptoms
Learning that reminders don't mean danger
Your Role as a Parent
Good child therapy includes parent involvement:
Regular check-ins with the therapist
Learning how to support your child at home
Understanding what your child is working on
Reinforcing skills between sessions
Creating a supportive home environment
Get Expert Help for Your Child in Mid Missouri
You're working hard to help your child. You're educating yourself, trying strategies, and showing up with love and patience. That's exactly what a good parent does.
But if your child is still struggling despite your best efforts, it's not because you're failing. It's because anxiety and trauma sometimes need professional intervention.
At Aspire Counseling, we specialize in helping children throughout Columbia, Jefferson City, Lee's Summit, and all of Mid Missouri overcome anxiety and heal from trauma. Our team knows that every child is different, which is why we create personalized treatment plans using proven, evidence-based approaches.
Our Team Specializes in Childhood Anxiety and Trauma
Madi has a gift for connecting with elementary-age children and making therapy engaging through play and creative techniques. She specializes in helping anxious and traumatized young children build confidence and skills.
Kristi, our Senior Clinical Team Lead, brings extensive training in anxiety disorders, OCD, and trauma. She ensures every child receives the highest standard of evidence-based care.
Ashley works with children and teens navigating anxiety, trauma, and difficult life transitions. Her trauma-informed approach helps children feel safe while building resilience.
We Make Getting Help Easy
Choose your format:
In-person sessions at our Columbia or Lee's Summit offices
Secure telehealth appointments from anywhere in Missouri
Evidence-based approaches to trauma therapy:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for anxiety
Trauma-Focused CBT (TF-CBT) for trauma
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) when appropriate
Parent coaching to support your child at home
A collaborative approach: We work with you, your child's school, and any other professionals involved in your child's care.
Take the Next Step Today
Your child doesn't have to struggle with anxiety or carry the weight of trauma alone. Help is available, and it works.
The home strategies in this guide are a great start. Professional therapy takes those strategies to the next level and gives your child skills they'll use for the rest of their life.
Ready to get your child the support they deserve?
Call us at (573) 328-2288 to speak with our Client Care Specialist about how we can help your family
Learn more about our specialized therapy for anxious children throughout Missouri
Explore our trauma therapy for kids using evidence-based TF-CBT
Discover our comprehensive child counseling services in Columbia, MO and beyond
You've already shown incredible love and dedication by learning how to help your child. Now let our team give you the additional support and expertise you need.
Your child is capable of so much more than anxiety and trauma allow them to show right now. Let's help them unlock that potential together.
About the Author
Jessica Tappana, MSW, LCSW, founder and Clinical Director of Aspire Counseling, created this practice specifically to provide exceptional care for anxious and traumatized children. But the real experts working with your children every day are Aspire's specialized team of child therapists. If you reach out to Aspire Counseling via phone or our online contact form, we’re happy to talk about who would be the best fit for your child.
Together, the Aspire team serves families throughout Columbia, Jefferson City, Lee's Summit, and all of Mid Missouri with therapy that combines clinical excellence with genuine care.
