How To Support Your Transgender Teenager
Your teenager just told you that they don’t think they are the gender you thought they were. Your teenager is transgender. Or Gender Fluid. Or something else altogether. Your child was born looking one way. Male. Female. It looked pretty obvious to you, so you chose a name for him/her that fit the gender you were seeing. You dressed them in cute, frilly dresses or handsome little sweaters and bows. You called her your “princess” or labeled him a “prince.” Now your child who you adore is telling you that you’ve been wrong all along?
No Road Map for Parenting a Teenager who is Gender Diverse
Parents often call us shortly after their child comes out. Sometimes the child or teenager is unsure what their gender identity will be. Other youth have done research on their own before ever “coming out.” Or maybe your child confidently announced that they are transgender, gender fluid or a number of other non binary gender identities.
Parents often feel confused, overwhelmed and unsure but want desperately to help their child or teenager. Do you want to be an affirming parent but aren’t sure how? If you want to support your child and help them maintain optimal mental health, we have some tips.
Tips for Parents of Gender Fluid, Transgender or Gender Non Binary Teenager
I recently asked a colleague who self identifies as a transgender female for her advice. I asked how she would have wanted her parents to respond when she was young. The answers she gave were similar to what we’ve told parents who have called us at Aspire Counseling. They’re also similar to what gender fluid or transgender teenagers we’ve worked with have voiced wanting. I want to share this with my colleague’s own words as I feel they are very powerful. Anything I’ve added based on my own interactions with families will be in italics:
Don’t push or force the issue.
Support and express love but don’t force the trans child to choose names for themselves or start buying new clothes or anything like that. Support the child’s need and pace. Even if the parents are fully in support of their child transitioning, there’s a lot of bullies in this world the child needs to work their own courage up to face before being thrown into situations they are not able to maintain safety in.
Tell them you love them.
Do this repeatedly. It’s been my experience that children who first come out as a gender other than what they were assigned at birth may be having difficulty loving themselves and their greatest fear may be that they are unlovable. Even if you don’t yet understand what they are telling you, be clear that you love them no matter what. Clearly state that there are no conditions on your love. This is your child and always has been. Nothing can change that and your child needs to hear how fiercely you love them more than anything else.
Offer them to find counseling.
I’m not talking about finding conversion therapy counseling or someone to stop the child’s progress. I am talking about finding a counselor that can help the child work their way through very confusing time. There is very, very strong research that conversion therapy or treatment to “fix” a child’s gender identity is ineffective and is harmful child’s mental health. On the other hand, a supportive mental health professional can help you and your child navigate this new journey.
Be Open to Learning
Explain that you don’t know all the answers and you’re not familiar necessarily with this exact situation but you are willing to learn and study so that you can be there for your child no matter how they identify. Before they were born all you wanted was a child that was happy and healthy and you still mean those words now. There are a lot of resources out there. You don’t have have to be an expert, but showing that you want to learn more is a way to validate to your child that you know this is important to them.
Your Emotions as the Parent of a Transgender Child
You have emotions involved in this as well. Please acknowledge how complicated your own feelings may be. Do you feel scared, overwhelmed, worried about your child’s future, confused, disappointed, guilty or even angry? It’s ok to admit to yourself that this is all part of your experience. Perhaps you feel a twinge of sadness when you realize that you’ll not be helping a daughter choose a prom dress. This doesn’t mean you are a bad parent or are unsupportive. It’s a temporary human emotion. Maybe you feel guilt thinking that it’s somehow your “fault” that your child is feeling unsure about who they are as a person. Are you are worried about all of the times you unknowingly invalidated your child by buying them the “wrong” clothes? You may be grieving who you thought your child was even as you are opening your eyes to the amazing person your teenager truly is.
Whatever you are feeling right now is ok. If you try to suppress and deny emotions, they may “boil over.” Instead, find a safe space to talk about how you are feeling. Talk to a friend, colleague, spouse, family member or spiritual guide. You may begin counseling for yourself. A knowledgable, LGBTQ affirming mental health professional can help you process complicated emotions you may be feeling. This is a transition for your entire family and it is ok to ask for help. Counseling can move your toward feeling more confident in parenting a gender non binary child.
Counseling for Transgender Teenagers & Their Family
If you are looking for counseling during this time of transition, we would love to help. Aspire Counseling is a LGBTQ affirming counseling clinic in Columbia, MO. We provide both individual and family counseling and have several therapists with extensive training and experience working with individuals of any gender identity. Our therapists commonly see transgender teenagers, adults and their families. We’ve also worked with youth who identify as gender fluid, non gender binary, and even teens who have not yet discovered a gender identity that feels like it describes them. We are open to working with individuals of any gender identity. We want to help all individuals in the Mid Missouri area live as their most authentic versions of themselves.
If you are looking for a counselor for a transgender teenager, please e-mail or call Aspire Counseling at 573-328-2288 to talk about how counseling can help your family find peace and move forward. You don’t have to walk this path alone. Our therapists here to help.
About the Authors
Jessica Tappana started Aspire Counseling, a Columbia, MO counseling clinic in May 2017 to provide effective treatments in a caring, accepting environment. She carefully chooses therapists who are both caring and provide evidenced based treatment. Aspire Counseling frequently works with teenagers and young adults struggling with anxiety, trauma, grief, coming out, depression or a variety of other mental health concerns. Jessica has sought out trainings on LGBTQ issues and wants Aspire Counseling to be a safe space for people from all walks of life. She seeks out therapists to add to our team who are LGBTQ+ affirming and interested in constantly learning how to better serve gender diverse clients.
Amy Stewart
Amy Stewart is a woman who happens to be transgender who believes education breeds acceptance. She was a facilitator for a transgender support group in St. Louis, MO and now offers advice and education through her own Q and A forums. She welcomes your questions. Her email is AskAmyAnythingCOMO@gmail.com
