Supporting Parents of Struggling Teens: You’re Not Alone in this Journey
You care about your child more than you thought was possible to love another human being. And, it’s also true that parenting is exhausting.
Sometimes, it feels like you’ve done something right. You’re excited about a conversation you had, a way you were able to help your child or a vaction you planned for the family. Other times, you feel like you’re completly failing as a parent-often when you see your teen struggling, realize there are big parts of their life they aren’t talking to you about anymore or make choices you know could have serious consequences.
Parenting a teen isn’t easy. And, it can become even more complex when you have a struggling teenager.
Being a teenager is a period of intense growth and change, and it's not uncommon for teens to face various challenges that can leave parents feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to provide the best support. We'll discuss tips and strategies to help parents navigate the difficulties of parenting a struggling teenager.
Understanding the Struggles Teenagers Face
Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash downloaded 11/9/23
Adolescence is hard. It’s a time of significant physical, emotional, and social development. Teens are trying to piece together who they are. They’re trying to figure things out and try on different personas. They know bits and pieces, some things they like and don’t like. But there’s a whole lot they don’t know too. And they’re doing all of this while still living under their parents roof and trying to make parents happy and live up to their parents expectations and by their parents rules. Furthermore, they’re trying to “fit in” at school where everyone else is still trying to figure out who THEY are. Not to mention the expectations of society of large.
Adolescence is indeed a complex and transformative phase in a person's life. During these years, teens are essentially in the process of self-discovery, and this journey can be filled with uncertainties and challenges. So, it's perfectly normal for teenagers to experience a range of struggles and challenges as they navigate their path to adulthood. These struggles can manifest in various ways, including:
Academic Challenges
Teenagers experience a significant shift in academic expectations during their adolescence. The workload becomes more demanding, and they are expected to manage complex assignments, prepare for tests, and meet higher academic standards. As a result, you might notice a decline in their academic performance, difficulties concentrating on their studies, or a general lack of motivation. These signs can sometimes be indicative of underlying stress or anxiety related to academic pressures.
Social Conflicts
The social landscape in high school is tricky. Even the teen who seems the most confident or “popular” has more moments of self-doubt and stress than most people will know. Teens grapple with the need to fit in, navigate peer pressure, and sometimes face conflicts with friends. Forming and maintaining relationships during this time can be tricky, as adolescents are still figuring out who they are and what they value in their connections. It's not uncommon for them to experience challenges in peer relationships, which can impact their emotional well-being.
Mental Health Issues
Adolescence is a period when mental health concerns may surface. Conditions like depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders can emerge during this time. These issues can affect a teenager's overall well-being, leading to changes in behavior, mood, and daily functioning. It's crucial for parents to be vigilant and seek professional help if they suspect their teen may be struggling with their mental health.
Rebellious Behavior or Boundary Testing
During adolescence, it's entirely normal for teenagers to engage in some level of rebellious behavior or boundary testing. This is a natural part of their journey toward independence and self-identity. As they strive to understand who they are and where they fit in the world, they may question rules, challenge authority, or experiment with behaviors that seem contrary to family expectations.
This boundary testing is not necessarily a sign of defiance or disrespect; rather, it's an attempt to assert their autonomy and develop a sense of self. Teens are navigating the delicate balance between their individuality and the rules set by their families and society. This process can be confusing, both for them and for parents who may feel like they're dealing with a different person altogether.
It's crucial for parents to approach these moments with understanding and empathy. While some rebellion is expected, there should still be clear boundaries and consequences in place for inappropriate or unsafe behavior. Healthy communication and trust-building are key during this phase to ensure that teens feel supported as they explore their independence. Remember that it's a part of their development, and with guidance and patience, they can navigate these challenging waters successfully.
Withdrawal and Isolation
Teens also go through phases of withdrawal and isolation. They may spend more time alone, withdrawing from family interactions and social events. While seeking solitude occasionally is normal, persistent withdrawal and isolation may indicate underlying concerns that should be addressed.
It's important to remember that many of these struggles are a natural part of the teenage experience. However, as parents, it's crucial to stay connected with your teen, maintain open lines of communication, and be vigilant for any signs that suggest they may need additional support. In some cases, seeking professional help, such as teen counseling, can provide valuable guidance and assistance during these challenging years.
Strategies for Supporting Parents
Open and Non-Judgmental Communication
Create a safe and open space for your teenager to express their feelings and thoughts. Be a good listener, without jumping to conclusions or offering unsolicited advice. Show empathy and understanding.
Seek Professional Help
If your teenager's struggles are overwhelming and persistent, don't hesitate to seek professional assistance. Therapists, counselors, and mental health experts can provide assessments, therapy, and guidance to address underlying issues.
Be Patient and Empathetic
Adolescence is a turbulent time, and it's easy for teens to become frustrated and discouraged. Be patient and empathetic, trying to understand their perspective and emotions. Sometimes, they just need someone to vent to or a shoulder to lean on.
Maintain Boundaries
Setting clear and consistent boundaries is essential for parenting a struggling teenager. These boundaries provide structure and stability, helping your teen understand expectations and consequences.
Photo by Jannis Brandt on Unsplash downloaded 11/10/23
Promote Healthy Lifestyle Habits
Encourage a balanced lifestyle that includes regular exercise, a nutritious diet, and sufficient sleep. These habits can contribute to improved mood and emotional well-being.
Connect with Supportive Resources
Remember that you're not alone on this journey. Connect with other parents who have faced similar challenges, join support groups, and seek guidance from professionals who specialize in adolescent issues.
Consider Family Therapy, Counseling for Your Teen, and/or Professional Support for Yourself
Family therapy can be a valuable resource for improving family dynamics and communication. It provides a safe space for both parents and teens to express their concerns and work toward solutions together.
It’s also important to note that you may want to seek therapy for yourself. Many parents consider therapy for their teens and overlook the importance of considering their OWN mental health. But the truth is that YOU deserve support as well. Parents is difficult. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed at times. Honestly, parenting a teen can make you start to doubt yourself and can feel isolating at times. Especially if the struggles your teen is facing are different from those your friends teenagers are facing. And a professional can give you support as you navigate this part of your parenting journey.
Stay Informed
Educate yourself about the challenges your teenager is facing. Knowledge is a powerful tool in understanding and empathizing with your child's struggles.
Promote Independence and Responsibility
As your teenager grows, it's crucial for them to develop a sense of independence and responsibility. Encourage them to take ownership of their actions and decisions.
Celebrate Small Victories
Even during challenging times, it's essential to acknowledge and celebrate small victories and achievements. Recognize their efforts and progress, no matter how minor they may seem.
Photo by Talen de St. Croix on Unsplash downloaded 11/10/23
Why you and your teen might each need your own therapist
A lot of parents ask if they can see their teen's therapist too. It makes sense. You already trust that person. You've already explained the whole story once, and you'd rather not do it again.
It usually works better when you each have your own.
Here's why. Your teen needs to know, without any doubt, whose therapist that is. Teens are already watching for this. They're trying to figure out if the adult in the room is there for them or there to report back to you. If that same therapist is also meeting with you privately about your own stuff, that question never fully goes away. And a teen who isn't sure tends to hold back.
What you need is different. You need a place where you can say the honest thing out loud. I'm exhausted. I don't really like who my kid has been lately. I'm scared. I'm angry, and then I feel guilty for being angry. You shouldn't have to soften any of that because you're worried about how it will land on your kid's therapy.
One therapist trying to hold both roles usually ends up doing neither one well.
So why not just find a therapist somewhere else?
You can. Plenty of parents do, and it works fine.
But when both therapists are in the same practice, a few things get easier.
With your written permission, the two of them can talk. Not about everything, and not behind your back. But if your teen's therapist is helping your teen practice speaking up at home, it helps that your therapist knows that's happening so you're not caught off guard by it.
They're also working from the same training. At Aspire, we run ongoing consultation groups in TF-CBT, DBT, ERP, CPT and EMDR. So the two people helping your family aren't using two different playbooks, and neither one is practicing in isolation.
And honestly, it's just simpler. Same office, same client care team, one phone number to call.
What this does not mean
A few things I want to be clear about, because these are the questions parents actually ask:
Your therapist is not a back channel into your teen's sessions. What your teen says in their session stays in their session, with the usual safety exceptions. We wrote more about how that works here.
Nothing is shared between the two therapists without a release you sign.
This is different from parent involvement in your teen's treatment. In TF-CBT, for example, parents are part of the work by design. Your teen's therapist may ask you to join sessions. That's a separate thing from you having your own therapy.
Your own therapy is about you. The anxiety you've been carrying. The grief over the version of these years you pictured. The conflict it's causing between you and your partner or your co-parent. The things from your own adolescence this is stirring up. All of that deserves its own hour, with someone who is yours.
You ARE Making a Difference for Your Teen
Parenting a struggling teenager can be a demanding and emotional experience. However, it's important to remember that you are not alone in this journey. With the right strategies, professional support, and a commitment to understanding and empathy, you can help your teenager navigate their challenges and emerge from this phase with resilience and strength.
Keep in mind that your unwavering support and the resources available can make a significant difference in your teenager's life. By being patient, providing consistent boundaries, and seeking help when necessary, you can help your teenager build the foundation for a brighter future. You're a loving and dedicated parent, and your support is invaluable in guiding your struggling teenager toward a path of growth and well-being.
Missouri Counseling and Support
Aspire Counseling understands that parenting can be a hard job sometimes. While parenting is a beautiful and wonderful journey, we know that there are ups and downs. It can be really hard to watch your child struggle, that’s why we offer both in person at our Lee’s Summit MO location, or Columbia MO location, or virtual counseling to make sure your child can be seen in their comfort.
Along with providing teen counseling, we provide counseling for parents struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, OCD, and much more.
To begin therapy for your teen, or yourself, reach out today at 573-328-2288 ext. 1, and one of our Client Care Team members will take the time to get you matched with a therapist that will fit your unique needs, and get you set up for a free 30-minute consultation to meet with one of our amazing therapists. Reach out today to begin your support journey, and mental health journey with Aspire Counseling.
About the author
Jessica Oliver, MSW, LCSW (formerly Jessica Tappana) is the founder and clinical director of Aspire Counseling in Columbia and Lee's Summit, Missouri. She's a licensed clinical social worker with more than 15 years of experience treating trauma and anxiety, with advanced training in EMDR, CPT, Prolonged Exposure, ERP and DBT. She’s also a parent of two children herself, one of them now a teenager.
She started Aspire in 2017 because she wanted a place where people could get real, evidence based treatment from clinicians who actually specialize in it, and where nobody would be rushed through it. She still sees clients every week alongside the team she built.
Aspire's therapists see teens and adults in Columbia and Lee's Summit, and statewide through online therapy. If you'd like help finding the right fit for your teen, for yourself, or for both, call (816) 287-1116 in Lee's Summit or 573-328-2288 in Columbia.
