When you Use a Relative or Friend as your Therapist
It isn’t unusual for people to talk about their support systems but we usually don’t think about how we use those support systems. In some cases, we tend to use them in ways that aren’t effective or that hinder longevity of the relationship. Have you ever felt like someone’s therapist without the degree or paycheck to show for it? Or have you noticed depending on certain relationships for only emotional support? If so, you might have gone from a helpful relationship to a harmful one. So why shouldn’t you use your friend or relative as a therapist (even if they ARE a therapist)?
The therapeutic relationship is a unique relationship between two people that is different from all other relationships in some pretty significant ways.
A relationship between a client and their therapist tends to be pretty one-sided.
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash downloaded 11/19/22
That means that the therapist is there to support and listen to the emotions and experiences of the client, not the other way around. Although self-disclosure isn’t taboo anymore for therapists, when it is done, it is for the benefit of the client- not the therapist. In personal relationships, one-sided relationships are usually not effective in the long run. They can build resentment and feelings of lack of importance in the relationship. One person is left not being able to be completely open about their emotions, needs, and experiences for the sake of the other person’s needs. Asking your friend or relative to engage in a one-side relationship with you might not be what you think you’re asking for when you turn towards them for support, but it’s what inevitably happens. I remember once ending a two-hour conversation with a friend just to realize that at no point had that friend asked me about my family or work. It left me unmotivated to call them again for a long time.
Have you ever heard someone say “My therapist said I needed to set some boundaries.”?
A lot of times the work done in therapy has an effect on the people in your life. This can sometimes have uncomfortable effects on others depending on what you need to do for your own mental health and healing. This can be a very difficult position to put a family member or friend in as they also need to be able to protect their own relationships with the same people. I know that I have at times felt like I am supposed to be angry at the person a family member is talking about but it can be hard to do so when I have my own relationship with them. This can be invalidating for the person that is hurt. Being aware of who you are talking to about certain people or situations is important and sometimes that comes with filtering things you really need to get out. You might also not get an honest response out of fear of possible negative reactions from your friend or family member.
In sessions, therapists are often aware of and intentional about their responses to their client’s stories, thoughts, and emotions.
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash downloaded 11/19/22
We function from a nonjudgmental stance, providing a safe place for people to say and express themselves the way they need to. We may not always agree with every client’s decision, choices, or goals but that doesn’t matter. We are there to support clients in their journey, not tell them what their journey should be. The problem with this form of communication in personal relationships is that this prevents the person serving as a therapist to have natural, organic, genuine reactions. It is a heavy burden to feel like you have to say the right thing all of the time and not show your own natural emotional reactions. Not too long ago, my sister expressed significant frustration as I rolled my eyes at her reason for not wanting to talk to a guy anymore. She was hoping for a more validating, supporting response but I was genuinely annoyed and questioned her reasoning. Later, I found myself feeling very angry at not being allowed to just be a human with very real emotions and reactions.
Finally, your friends and family haven’t gone to school to know how to best support you in all of your needs.
Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash downloaded 11/19/22
They might try to the best of their ability but sometimes they might fall short. They invalidate when they meant to validate. They enable when they mean to support. They give advice based solely off of their own personal experiences and not research or treatment. Or they simply find themselves at a loss for words to help. This can lead you to feeling frustrated and them feeling guilty or tired. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk to your friends or family about hard situations and feelings. This means that there needs to be an awareness of your intentions and what you want to get out of a conversation with them before going to them. It could be starting off with “I don’t need advice or for you to fix anything- I just need to get this off my chest.” Or saying, “I’ve had a rough week, want to go get coffee tomorrow?” Possibly even asking for their own perspective instead of asking for only validation. If you find that a relationship is serving only as emotional support, it might be time to find a therapist and allow that friend or relative to resume their friend and relative role. Besides, they can do for you what a therapist can’t do. Your therapist can’t go taking a painting class or take a cycling class with your or go out for dinner or coffee. Each person in any relationship has their role and function and they work much better when they are allowed to stick to them and not be forced to serve as something they weren’t meant to.
Therapy and Support in Missouri
If you are interested in therapy, it’s worth it to reach out to Aspire Counseling. When you get a therapist that is not a relative, or friend, you can get help with any unique needs you may have. Our therapists work with college students, and adults of all ages. They work with those experiencing grief, depression, anxiety, trauma, relationships, OCD, and so much more. We are LGBTQIA+ affirming, and can work with anyone in the state of Missouri online, or in person at our Columbia Mo location, and hopefully in the future Kansas City! We urge you to reach out to our Client Care Coordinator, or fill out an online form today!
About the Author
Diana Hughes (LPC) is an online counselor at Aspire Counseling. Diana specializes in anxiety, depression, trauma, stress, life transitions, DBT, and can even work with Spanish Speaking clients. Diana is incredibly compassionate to her clients, and really enjoys creating unique and individualized treatment plans based on your needs!
