An ACT Guide to Surviving (and Maybe Even Enjoying) Thanksgiving When Politics Hurt
If you’re heading to Thanksgiving with family whose politics clash with yours, you’re not imagining it—the pain can feel deep. It isn’t “just a disagreement.” It can feel like people you love support policies or leaders that harm you or people like you. For many trans folks (and other targeted groups), the common question sounds like: “If my family loves me and I’m trans, how can they support [this figure or policy]?” That pain is valid.
At the same time, another value is pulling you toward that table: family. Maybe it’s tradition, connection with a grandparent, or wanting your kids to know their cousins. Values can conflict, and that tension is exactly where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help.
Below is a practical, compassionate ACT roadmap for Thanksgiving—one that honors your identity and your values without asking you to abandon important parts of yourself.
Step 1: Name What Matters (Your Values, Not Theirs)
ACT starts with values—qualities of living you want to embody, regardless of others’ behavior. Before the day:
Choose 2–3 “north star” values for this gathering. Examples: self-respect, safety, authenticity, compassion, stability, joy, family, justice.
Write one sentence for each value describing how it looks in action at dinner.
Self-respect: “I speak (or decline to speak) about myself with dignity.”
Safety: “I leave or take space if I feel unsafe.”
Family: “I share a story or help clean up to connect with the people I do feel close to.”
These are not rules for other people. They’re anchors for you.
Step 2: Make Room for the Feelings (Willingness)
You don’t have to like the emotions to allow them. Practice willingness:
Name and normalize: “This is grief/anger/fear. It makes sense.”
Breathe where it lives: Notice where the feeling sits in your body (throat, chest, stomach). Breathe into that spot for 10 slow counts.
Tiny permission: “I can carry this feeling for the next five minutes.” (You can renew that permission as needed.)
Willingness isn’t resignation. It’s choosing not to waste energy fighting the feelings and using that energy for values-based action.
Step 3: Defuse from the Mental Spirals
When your mind shouts, “They don’t love me,” or “I have to fix this today,” try cognitive defusion—creating a little space between you and the thought:
Prefix thoughts with, “I’m noticing the thought that…”
“I’m noticing the thought that I’m not safe here.”
“I’m noticing the thought that I must convince them.”
Give your mind a nickname (“The Commentator”) and mentally say, “Thanks, Commentator.”
Picture the thought on a leaf floating down a stream. Keep breathing while it passes.
Defusion doesn’t prove the thought wrong; it helps you respond based on values instead of getting yanked around by the loudest thought.
Step 4: Self-as-Context (You Are More Than This Moment)
ACT invites you to relate to yourself as the observer of your experiences, not just the content of them. Try a 30-second grounding:
Feel your feet on the floor.
Notice three colors in the room, three sounds, three points of contact with the chair.
Silently say: “I’m here. I’m me. I can choose.”
This gives you a tiny bit of space to act intentionally.
Step 5: Plan Values-Based Actions (Not Outcomes)
You can control your actions; you can’t control whether Uncle Joe changes his vote by dessert. Design committed actions that match your values:
If your value is self-respect
Prepare boundary scripts:
“I’m not discussing my identity or politics today. Let’s talk about [neutral topic].”
“I won’t be spoken to that way. If it continues, I’ll step outside.”
Sit near allies. Keep your keys, coat, and exit plan accessible.
If your value is connection
Set realistic targets: “I’ll ask Grandma two questions about her favorite childhood holiday.”
Share something small but authentic: a recent book, a recipe, a win.
If your value is safety
Decide your red lines ahead of time (slurs, misgendering, targeted “jokes”).
Choose your response ladder:
Name it (“That comment is hurtful.”)
State the boundary (“Please don’t say that to or about me.”)
Take space (bathroom break, quick walk, call a friend).
Leave (no explanations required).
If your value is justice
Choose one clear, calm statement you can stand behind without debate:
“My existence isn’t up for debate at dinner.”
“Policies that restrict my healthcare harm me.”
Decide when not to engage. “I won’t debate my humanity. If you want resources later, I can send them on another day.”
Step 6: Create Micro-Rituals for Regulation
Arrival cue: Touch a small token (ring/bracelet/stone) that symbolizes your values.
Breathing ratio: 4-second inhale, 6-second exhale while washing hands or filling water.
Anchor phrase: “I can be aligned for the next five minutes.”
Micro-breaks: Offer to check on the rolls, walk the dog, or do a pantry run—functional timeouts.
Step 7: Use “Both/And” Language
Values conflict is real. Try both/and to hold complexity:
“I love parts of this family and I won’t minimize my identity.”
“I want togetherness and I’m leaving if my safety is compromised.”
“You may support that policy and that harms me. I’m choosing not to discuss it here.”
Step 8: Pre-Write Your Scripts
Having words ready reduces freeze responses.
Redirects (light):
“I’m taking a politics break today. What pie are you most excited about?”
“Let’s save policy talk for another time. Have you seen [movie/series]?”
Boundaries (clear):
“Misgendering me isn’t acceptable. My pronouns are they/she. Please use them.”
“I won’t debate my identity. If this continues, I’m stepping out.”
Exits (firm):
“I’m heading out now. I’ll connect another day.”
“I care about this family, and I’m not staying in this conversation.”
Step 9: Decide Your Aftercare Before You Go
Plan a post-event ritual that refuels your values:
Text a friend or therapist check-in.
Gentle movement or a hot shower to downshift your nervous system.
Journal two columns: What I did that matched my values / What I want to tweak next time.
If harm happened, write one specific repair action for yourself (e.g., schedule a session, take tomorrow’s morning off, plan a chosen-family hangout).
What If You Choose Not to Go?
That can be a values-based decision too. If attending would violate safety or self-respect, opting out is legitimate. You can still honor “family” by calling a relative you trust, dropping off a dessert earlier in the day, or planning a chosen-family Thanksgiving. Values are about how you live, not people-pleasing.
A Note for Allies at the Table
If your value is support, consider:
Proactive pronoun use and gentle correction: “Alex uses they/she.”
Topic redirect when harm starts.
Share labor: “We’re not doing debates today.”
Check-ins: A quick “You good?” or “Want some air?” can be grounding.
Allies can reduce the burden on the person most affected.
The Bottom Line
You don’t have to pick between your identity and your family. ACT offers a third path: feel what you feel, notice your thoughts, and choose actions that serve your values—moment by moment. Whether you attend for one hour, four hours, or not at all, you can leave knowing you showed up for you.
If you want help practicing scripts, building a boundary plan, or processing family grief, our therapists can work with you to tailor an ACT plan for the holidays. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and grounded—at the table or away from it.
