How to Explain Trauma to a Child
Age-Appropriate Ways to Talk About What Happened
Something difficult happened to your child. Maybe they were there when it occurred. Maybe they weren't, but it affected them anyway.
Now you're facing one of the hardest conversations a parent can have: How do I talk to my child about what happened?
You might be wondering:
Should I bring it up, or wait for them to ask?
What words do I use?
How much detail should I give?
What if I say the wrong thing and make it worse?
These are valid concerns. Talking to children about trauma is hard. But here's the truth: when done thoughtfully, these conversations help children heal.
Children need help making sense of what happened. They need to know they're not alone, that their feelings are normal, and that they're safe now. That's what this conversation gives them.
Let's walk through how to talk to your child about trauma in ways that help, not hurt—based on their age and what they can understand.
When and Why to Talk to Your Child About Their Trauma
First, let's address the big question: Should I even bring this up?
Some parents worry that talking about the trauma will remind their child of it and make things worse. But here's what research shows: avoiding the topic doesn't make the trauma go away. It just leaves children alone with their scary thoughts.
You should talk to your child about what happened if:
They experienced or witnessed something traumatic
They're showing signs of trauma (anxiety, behavior changes, withdrawal, etc.)
They're asking questions about what happened
They seem confused or are creating their own (often inaccurate) explanations
Why these conversations matter:
They help children make sense of what happened: Without guidance, children often create their own explanations—and those explanations are almost always worse than the truth. They might blame themselves, think something worse will happen, or develop fears that aren't based in reality.
They give children permission to have feelings: When you talk about the trauma, you're saying: "It's okay to have big feelings about this. You're not alone."
They help children feel safer: When you explain what happened in a calm, honest way, it helps children understand that the scary thing is over and that you're there to keep them safe now.
They open the door for future conversations: One conversation isn't enough. But when you start the dialogue, your child knows they can come to you with questions or feelings as they process what happened.
If you're not sure how to start this conversation, that's where trauma therapy for kids can help. Therapists are trained in helping both you and your child navigate these difficult discussions.
How to Explain Trauma to Young Children (Ages 3-6)
Young children think in very concrete terms. They live in the moment, and they don't yet have the cognitive ability to understand complex cause-and-effect or abstract concepts.
What young children need to know:
What happened (in very simple terms)
That it's over now
That they're safe
That it wasn't their fault
How to talk to young children:
Keep it simple: You don't need to give lots of details. Keep your explanation short and concrete.
Example (after a car accident): "We were in a car accident. The cars bumped into each other and it was really loud and scary. But we're okay now. The doctors checked us and we're safe."
Use words they understand: Avoid abstract language or metaphors. Use concrete, literal words.
Instead of: "Daddy's in heaven now."
Say: "Daddy died. His body stopped working and he can't come back. We miss him very much."
Validate their feelings: Name the feelings they might be having.
"It was really scary, wasn't it? It's okay to feel scared. I felt scared too."
Reassure them about safety: Young children need to hear over and over that they're safe now.
"That scary thing happened, but it's over now. You're safe. I'm here to keep you safe."
Don't be surprised if they ask the same questions repeatedly: This is how young children process information. They need to hear it multiple times for it to sink in.
What NOT to say:
"You're fine, it wasn't that bad."
"Don't think about it."
Lying or avoiding the topic entirely
Giving too many details they can't process
Use play to help them process: Young children often work through trauma in their play. If they're acting out the event with toys, that's normal and can be healthy. Don't stop them unless the play becomes harmful.
Talking About Trauma with Elementary Age Children (Ages 7-10)
By elementary age, children can understand more complex explanations. They can grasp cause and effect and think about things that happened in the past.
But they still need clear, honest information—and they're still vulnerable to self-blame and scary thoughts.
What elementary age children need to know about trauma:
What happened and why (in age-appropriate terms)
That it wasn't their fault
That their feelings are normal
What you're doing to keep them safe
That they can ask questions
How to talk to school-age children about trauma:
Give more context, but not too much detail: You can explain what happened more fully than you would with a younger child, but still avoid graphic details.
Example (after witnessing domestic violence): "You saw Daddy and me yelling and fighting. Sometimes adults have big problems and don't handle them well. That was scary for you to see. I'm sorry that happened. We're working on making sure you feel safe at home."
Answer their questions honestly: School-age kids will have lots of questions. Answer them truthfully, but keep your answers age-appropriate.
Child: "Why did Daddy hurt Mommy?"
You: "Sometimes people make bad choices when they're really angry or struggling. It wasn't okay, and it wasn't your fault."
Help them understand it wasn't their fault: Children this age often think they caused the trauma or could have prevented it. Address this directly.
"Some kids think they could have stopped what happened, but that's not true. Adults are responsible for keeping kids safe, not the other way around."
Normalize their reactions: Let them know other kids who've been through similar things feel the same way.
"A lot of kids who've been through something scary have bad dreams or don't want to go to certain places. That's your brain's way of trying to protect you. It's normal."
Introduce the idea of professional help: If therapy is in the picture, explain what that means.
"We're going to meet with a therapist who helps kids who've been through hard things. They'll teach you ways to feel better and help your brain know you're safe now."
Learn more about what to expect in trauma therapy for children.
Discussing Trauma with Preteens and Tweens (Ages 11-12)
Preteens can handle more adult-like conversations, but they're also at an age where they might shut down or act like they don't want to talk.
Don't be fooled by the eye rolls or the "I'm fine." They still need you to address what happened.
What preteens need to know about trauma:
Honest information about what happened
That their reactions are normal
That they have some control over their healing
That you're there to support them, not judge them
That professional help is available
How to talk to preteens and tweens about trauma:
Be direct and honest: Don't talk down to them or sugarcoat things. Give them real information.
Example (after a friend's suicide): "I know you found out that Jake died by suicide. That means he took his own life. I know this is incredibly painful and confusing. We're going to get through this together."
Respect their need for some autonomy: Give them some control over the conversation.
"I want to talk about what happened. You don't have to tell me everything you're feeling right now, but I need to make sure you're okay. Can we talk for a few minutes?"
Validate without fixing: They don't need you to make it better. They need you to acknowledge how hard this is.
"This is really heavy. I can't imagine how you're feeling. I'm here if you want to talk, or if you just need to sit together."
Normalize without minimizing: Let them know their reactions are normal, but don't dismiss their pain.
"A lot of people who go through something like this feel angry or guilty or confused. Those are all normal reactions. And it's also really, really hard."
Talk about therapy in empowering terms: Frame therapy as a tool they can use, not something that's wrong with them.
"Therapy isn't because something's wrong with you. It's because you went through something really hard, and therapists are trained to help people process that."
If your child is a teenager, read more about teen trauma therapy and what parents need to know.
What to Say When You Don't Have Answers
Sometimes your child will ask questions you can't answer:
"Why did this happen?"
"Why did they do that?"
"Will it happen again?"
It's okay to say "I don't know."
Honesty is more helpful than making something up or giving false reassurances.
Instead of: "Everything happens for a reason" (this can make children feel like the trauma was supposed to happen)
Try: "I don't know why this happened. Sometimes really unfair, scary things happen and there isn't a good reason. What I do know is that we're going to get through this together."
Instead of: "It will never happen again" (you can't promise that)
Try: "I'm doing everything I can to keep you safe. I can't promise that nothing bad will ever happen, but I can promise that I'll always be here to help you through hard things."
How Therapy Helps Children Process Trauma
Talking to your child about trauma is important, but it's not the same as therapy. A trained therapist can help your child process what happened in ways that go deeper than what you can do at home.
In trauma therapy, children:
Learn specific skills to manage scary feelings
Gradually talk about what happened in a safe environment
Challenge unhelpful thoughts (like "It was my fault")
Create a coherent story of what happened so their brain can file it away as something that happened in the past
Learn that they can face reminders of the trauma without falling apart
At Aspire Counseling, we specialize in helping children work through childhood trauma using evidence-based approaches like TF-CBT.
Our therapists will also help you know how to have these conversations and support your child at home.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
Talking to your child about trauma is one of the hardest things you'll do as a parent. But you don't have to figure it out alone.
At Aspire Counseling, we specialize in helping children throughout Mid Missouri heal from traumatic experiences. Whether you're in Columbia, Jefferson City, Lee's Summit, Hallsville, Fulton, or surrounding communities, our team of trained child trauma therapists is here to support both you and your child through this process.
Learn more about child counseling in Columbia, MO and how we can help your family move forward.
Finding a Child Trauma Therapist in Mid Missouri: Get Your Child the Help They Need
Parents often feel uncertain about when to seek help, what to say to their child, or how to support them at home. That's exactly what we're here for. Our therapists don't just work with your child—we partner with you, giving you the tools and guidance you need to help your child heal.
Child trauma therapy at Aspire Counseling includes:
Evidence-based approaches like TF-CBT that are proven to help children process trauma
Support for children as young as 3 through the teen years
Parent coaching and guidance for difficult conversations
Both in-person sessions (Columbia and Lee's Summit) and secure telehealth throughout Missouri
A warm, compassionate environment where your child can feel safe
You don't have to wait to get help. The sooner children receive trauma-informed support, the better their outcomes. Early intervention can prevent trauma from affecting your child's development, relationships, and future mental health.
How to Begin Child Trauma Counseling at Aspire Counseling
Call us at (573) 328-2288 to speak with our Client Care Specialist about how we can help your child
Learn more about our specialized trauma therapy for kids using TF-CBT
Explore our comprehensive child counseling services in Columbia, MO and throughout Missouri
Your child is resilient. With your support and professional guidance from a trauma-informed therapist, they can heal, grow, and move forward with confidence.
You've taken the first step by educating yourself. Now let's help your child take their next step toward healing.
About Aspire Counseling
At Aspire Counseling, we specialize in helping Mid Missouri families navigate the aftermath of childhood trauma. Our compassionate team of therapists works with children as young as 3 through the teen years, using research-backed approaches like TF-CBT to support healing and growth. We don't just work with children—we partner with parents, offering guidance on difficult conversations and strategies to support their child's recovery at home. With locations in Columbia and Lee's Summit plus telehealth options throughout Missouri, we're here to help your family through the hardest moments.
