Relax, You’re Not Broken, Just Human
A while ago I saw a meme that said, “Before you self-diagnose as depressed, first make sure you aren’t surrounded by jerks”. Lately, that quote has popped up in my mind a lot as I see clients coming in convinced that something is wrong with them or that they are broken.
I want to start by giving a brief explanation of emotions. All emotions, even the ones that sometimes get us into trouble or feel really uncomfortable, are important and needed. They work as alarm signals in our bodies to tell us if something is wrong. Not convinced? Let’s look at physical sensations first. If you place your hand on a hot stove, you most likely will feel pain. That pain will tell you to remove your hand, and, in the future, you will avoid touching hot stoves. You wouldn’t first question your pain tolerance and ask for something to help numb the pain in order to continue touching hot stoves. However, for some reason, this seems to be the way we work with our emotional pain.
Now, I’m not saying that medication and therapy aren’t needed. I would be working against myself here if I proposed that everyone stop looking for help. What I am proposing is that we pause on pathologizing ALL uncomfortable emotions or situations and explore them a little first before deciding we are “broken”. Below I list a few steps you can take to explore your emotion. If you decide that you still need or want professional help, these questions can help you figure out what you want out of treatment.
Below I list a few steps you can take to explore your emotions. If you decide that you still need or want professional help, these questions can help you figure out what you want out of treatment.
Ask yourself what has changed recently.
Photo by Elisa Ventur on Unsplash downloaded 4/4/22
For example, my first-year teaching was incredibly difficult. I was in a school that had a high rate of fights and disciplinary action. Most of the time I felt like I was a bouncer at an underage club rather than a teacher. Within the first few months, I began to have seizures again (my body’s way of responding to stress) and I noticed an unfamiliar level of anxiety during the work week that I had never experienced before. The problem wasn’t me. The problem also wasn’t necessarily the job. The problem was that the job and I were not a good fit for each other, and my body was letting me know that. That following year, I switched to a different school and can sincerely say I didn’t have a bad day at work for the two years I was there.
In DBT we encourage people that are in the middle of an intense, uncomfortable emotion, to remember times when they haven’t felt that way. So when you do find yourself feeling a little more down or anxious than usual, remember times when you didn’t feel that way. What was different? Were there different people in your life? Did you have a different job or financial situation going on? If so, could it be that the thing that is new or different in your life in the present is contributing to this new and uncomfortable emotion? If that’s the case, it could be that problem-solving the new situation may be more effective.
Do you have anything going on right now that might be making you more vulnerable to uncomfortable emotions?
Photo by Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash downloaded 4/4/22
I’m sure we have all heard the phrase, “Sorry for what I said when I was hangry.” In DBT therapy, we refer to the PLEASE skills. The PL is for treating physical illness, E is for balanced eating, A is for avoiding mood-altering substances, S is for balanced sleep, and E is for exercise.
Sometimes we underestimate the basics of what plays a factor in our emotions and emotional responses. We see it in others but not in ourselves. I know I often hear parents explain their child’s behavior based on whether or not there was a nap or late lunch. When my dog gets rowdy, I first think of the last time I took him on a walk. When I’m not rested, I definitely have a shorter fuse.
But aside from rest and food, also look at other things that might be going on. If you are on medication, have you taken the dose for the day? Do you have additional stressors that aren’t normally there? Have you noticed an additional or significant increase in vulnerability around your menstrual cycle?
Some of these things can be planned for and problem solved while others may require some skills to help manage strong emotions. If you haven’t slept in days because you have a colicky baby or because you have been studying for finals, you GET to feel stressed and short-tempered. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Those emotions are a natural and justified reaction to something in your environment.
Could there be a medical problem occurring?
Back in my early 20s, I began experiencing symptoms that led my doctors to believe I had several heart conditions. I was put on medication, checked on every 6 months, and even went through a cardiac ablation. All to find out that I didn’t have the main cardiac problem they thought I had and was actually experiencing anxiety. My point is, a lot of mental health problems and medical problems mimic each other and it’s important to explore ALL possible causes for a symptom. Turns out I didn’t need to have a procedure done, I just needed someone to teach me some deep breathing techniques and how to find my chill.
On the flip side, I’ve had clients complain about anxiety to later find out that they drink 36 ounces of coffee every morning followed by caffeinated tea in the afternoons. Could they be experiencing anxiety? Sure. Is the significant amount of caffeine being consumed helping? No. Also, be aware of the side effects of the medication you are taking. Some have pretty intense side effects that we can misinterpret as depression, anxiety, or any other mood disorder. When I first started taking my anti-convulsion medication, I noticed my temper shorten and my verbal filter vanishes. I later found out that is a side effect of my medication and I had to practice mindfulness of tone of voice and slow down my responses to be effective in my relationships.
Check the facts
This may seem bizarre, but it’s not unusual for me to challenge my client’s feelings in sessions. Of course, I always validate their experience but sometimes I follow it up with another DBT skill called checking the facts. This is where we go through a line of questioning to determine if the emotion, emotion intensity, and/or duration or justified and not just understandable. If your “hot stove” that’s causing you pain is a divorce you are going through, struggles with fertility, chemistry class, a friend fallout, or big changes that are harder to adjust to than you were prepared for, then it is likely that your emotions are justified and the most invalidating thing a therapist could do or that you could do to yourself robs you of the time to feel those feelings. In the words of the very wise 4th grader at the park (who was engaged in an intense monkey bars competition), “Sometimes you just have to let the pain hurt.”
So what to do if you still want or need help from a counselor?
It could be that you have identified the cause of your unwanted emotions but don’t know what to do about it. Seeing a therapist could be helpful in teaching you skills to manage strong emotions that can’t be helped immediately or learning how to cushion your emotions when life throws a curve ball at you. It could be that you need to be taught and given permission to establish boundaries with others and manage the backlash from doing so. And other times, it’s just nice to have someone sit with you and your unwanted emotions when there is nothing anyone can do about it. And if you are still at a loss as to what might be contributing to unwanted emotions or emotional reactions, then that’s ok too!
A therapist can help tease apart what is happening and help you figure out what’s happening from an outside perspective. Just remember, you don’t have to be falling apart in order to justify seeing a therapist.
Counseling in Missouri
If you live in Missouri and are looking for professional support around you’re mental health, Aspire Counseling may be able to help! All of our anxiety therapists can help with general issues like self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Additionally, most of our therapists and counselors have specialized training and expertise in providing effective trauma therapy & PTSD treatment. Then, some of our therapists have additional specialties such as body image/eating disorders, working with high-performing athletes, OCD treatment, grief counseling & more. Our counseling office is located in Columbia, MO but we have therapists who can meet for walk-and-talk sessions in Blue Springs or the Union/St. Clair area. Additionally, online counseling allows us to meet with clients who are anywhere in the state of Missouri!
You deserve support. Counseling can help. Call (573-328-2288) or reach out online today! Our intake team will take the time to pair you with the right therapist to help you process what’s going on and be the best version of yourself!
About the Author
Diana Hughes is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) at Aspire Counseling. She helps clients prioritize their mental health and is passionate about helping clients find ways to create a life they are truly happy about. Diana offers services in both English and Spanish. She is trained in multiple effective evidence-based counseling strategies such as DBT, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) and uses these evidence-based counseling methods to help her clients.
