"I was fifteen once too. I know what it's like."
You've said it. I've said it. It's meant kindly. It's meant to say, I remember, I survived, you will too.
And your teen rolls their eyes, because to them it's obviously not true.
Ashley Elder, one of our teen therapists in Lee's Summit, hears this line from parents all the time. When I sat down with her on October 13, 2026, I asked what adults most often get wrong about teenagers right now. She didn't talk about phones or grades or attitude. She talked about this.
"A lot of times I'll hear parents say, 'I was fifteen once too, I know what it's like,'" she said. "But being fifteen even ten years ago, twenty years ago, is a lot different than being fifteen right now."
Here's the specific thing she thinks is different. I'd never heard it put this plainly.
What's actually different?
Many things are different in this changing, constantly evolving world our teens are living in. But an important one is that when you were fifteen, the school day ended. You got home, and whatever happened at lunch or in the hallway was over until tomorrow. Maybe a phone call. Maybe not. The house was a different world from school.
That border is gone.
"They don't really get a break when they go home," Ashley said, "because they're still so connected to their peers. And that was not a thing for most of us when we were teenagers."
Think about what that means for a Tuesday night. Your teen is in their room with the door closed. From the hallway, it looks like downtime. Inside, the group chat is going. A friend is upset and expects an answer. Someone posted something. Someone didn't respond. The social day that started at 7:45am is still running at 10pm, and there's no bell that ends it.
Researchers have a name for part of this: digital entrapment, the feeling that you have to be available to your friends by phone at all times. In one study of 714 high schoolers, more than three out of four teens said they felt that pressure from their best friend. Teens who felt it more also reported more conflict in that friendship. For boys especially, the pressure predicted worse health and more friend conflict a year later.
This isn't a post about screen time, and I'm not telling you to take the phone. I'm saying something simpler. When you were fifteen, you had an off switch you didn't even know was there. Your kid doesn't. So "I know what it's like" is true about a lot of things, and not true about this one.
What do you do with that?
A few small shifts. None of them require a new rule.
Lead with a question instead of your own story. "I was fifteen once" closes the conversation. "What's the part of being fifteen right now that you think I don't get?" opens it. You may not love the answer. Ask anyway.
Stop counting the bedroom as rest. An hour alone with the phone may be the most socially demanding hour of your teen's day. If they come out of it tense and short with you, that's not attitude. That's a kid who never clocked out.
Build an actual off switch, together. Not a punishment. A relief. A car ride where the phone stays in a bag. Dinner where everyone's phone, including yours, goes in the basket. One night a week that's just the family. Frame it as "you don't have to be on call for a while," and watch how many teens are quietly grateful.
Notice when the pressure crosses into something else. Most teens handle this with some grumbling. But if your teen is anxious about missing a message, can't sleep because they're watching the chat, or is getting pulled into a friendship that's all obligation and no joy, that's worth a real conversation, and sometimes it's worth bringing a therapist in. The anxiety that comes from never being allowed to be unavailable is something we work with a lot.
Begin Teen Counseling in Lee's Summit or Columbia, Missouri
If your teen's anxiety seems tangled up in friendships that never turn off, we can help them sort out what's theirs to carry and what isn't. Ashley Elder works with teens at our Lee's Summit office and has openings now, including some after school times and a couple of early-morning slots. In Columbia, Kristi, Kelly and I also work with teens.
Call our Lee's Summit office at 816-287-1116 or our Columbia office at 573-328-2288, reach out online, or request a time for our client care team to call you.
Whenever you're ready for effective care and lasting change, we're here.
About the Author
Jessica Oliver, MSW, LCSW (formerly Jessica Tappana) is the founder and clinical director of Aspire Counseling. She opened the practice in 2017 after two years working at a school for kids with severe emotion dysregulation, and spent its early years working mostly with kids and teens. She still sees a few anxious teenagers alongside the stressed parents and high-performing professionals who make up most of her caseload, and she has a particular soft spot for the kid who can't put the phone down because a friend might need them.
This post is based on Jessica's interview with Ashley Elder, LCSW, on October 13, 2026. Ashley is a teen therapist at Aspire's Lee's Summit office, trained in TF-CBT and DBT, and licensed in both Missouri and Kansas. Her quotes are her own words from that conversation, lightly edited for readability.
