What Are Emotion Regulation Skills in DBT?
As many of my clients know about me, I love the game Dungeons and Dragons. It is such a good time to sit with friends and pretend to be magical beings with special powers.
Recently, I started a campaign with a few friends and one of them plays a barbarian. If you've played the game before, you know what that means. For everyone else: every player builds a character that fits the setting or makes for a good story. One of those choices is picking a class. A barbarian is known for "rage," which makes them stronger, lets them take hits more easily, and often affects everyone around them.
One of my jobs as the Game Master (I sometimes forget how nerdy this game actually is) is understanding what pushes a character into a rage and what helps them come back down. So I might ask my friend what it is that lets their character be okay again after rage takes over.
In other words, I'm asking how their character regulates emotion.
That process is also one of the four core skill areas in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. Below, we'll talk about what emotion regulation actually is and a few ways to practice it.
What Is Emotion Regulation?
Emotion regulation sounds like a very clinical term. It almost sounds like the goal is to become some sort of robot that mechanically controls every feeling.
It isn't. At its core, the skill is the ability to notice, identify, and manage intense emotions without being completely controlled by them.
A common metaphor compares our emotions to a car. Some cars run on a lot less horsepower and some run on a lot more. The lower horsepower car revs and gets up to speed slowly. The higher horsepower car revs and takes off fast.
Neither one is a bad car. Both can get you where you're going. What matters is that the driver knows how that particular car handles.
Our brains aren't that different. Some brains feel an emotion, rev up, and are already speeding off before you've decided anything. Other brains take longer to get going. If you've got a brain that revs fast, you're probably more prone to emotion dysregulation, and these skills may be especially useful for you.
The truth is, you've got the brain you've got. But you are not stuck with how you drive it. You can learn where the brakes are. You can learn to take the turn without spinning out. That's what these skills are for.
Why Intense Emotions Feel So Convincing
Overwhelming emotions get in the way of making our own choices. That's largely because our brain thinks it knows better than we do.
Over thousands of years, our brains got trained to send us thoughts, feelings, and sensations that help us avoid danger at all costs. Anger urges us to fight off a threat. Fear urges us to run from a predator. That system kept our ancestors alive, and it's a big reason humans are still here.
Now that there are fewer predators stalking us, we're stuck with a brain that keeps reminding us life as a human is dangerous.
Sometimes brain is absolutely right. If a car swerves into your lane, that spike of fear is doing its job.
Other times brain gets in the way of something we want and need, throwing emotions our way over a bad dice roll in Dungeons and Dragons because it's trying to protect us from stress.
In those moments, we can use a skill to notice what's happening and change who gets to decide our next move.
A Few Ways to Practice Emotion Regulation
Identifying and naming the emotion
First, take a step back and name how you feel out loud. "I'm noticing that I'm feeling really angry right now." Or "That was embarrassment." Or "I think what I'm feeling is disappointment, not anger."
It sounds almost too simple to matter. But putting a clear label on a feeling often takes some of its power away, and there's research to back that up. In one series of studies, people who put words to what they were feeling while viewing distressing images reported less distress than people who simply looked at the images without labeling anything. Naming it didn't require them to talk themselves out of the feeling or calm down first. They just named it. (Lieberman, Inagaki, Tabibnia, & Crockett, 2011)
Notice that this is not the same as venting or building a case for why you're upset. It's a label, not an argument. "I'm furious" is the skill. "I'm furious and here's the twelve reasons why he's the worst" is something else.
Getting specific helps too. "Bad" is not very useful. "Ashamed" gives you something to work with.
Checking the facts
Of all the DBT skills, this one is the most CBT-flavored. In other words, it’s the most focused on using thoughts to change your feelings. But it’s powerful.
Here's the idea…Emotions don't just show up on their own. They come attached to a story about what's happening. Something occurs, we interpret it, and the emotion follows the interpretation, not the event.
Checking the facts means slowing down long enough to pull those apart:
What actually happened? Just the facts, the part a camera would have recorded.
What am I telling myself it means?
Am I assuming something I don't actually know?
Does the emotion fit the facts?
Does the intensity fit the facts?
That last question is the one that catches most of us. Fear fits if there's an actual threat. But does a five out of ten threat deserve a ten out of ten fear response? Is rolling badly in Dungeons and Dragons really causing distress at the level you're experiencing it?
From here you land in one of two places.
If the emotion fits the facts, the emotion isn't the problem. The situation is. Then the work is solving the problem, or accepting what can't be changed.
If the emotion doesn't fit the facts, or acting on it just isn't going to help you, that's where the next skill comes in.
Opposite action
If Checking the Facts is the most focused on your thoughts, opposite action is much more focused on changing your behavior in order to change/shift an emotion or othought.
However, opposite action doesn't start with the action. It starts with noticing.
First, mindfully notice what you're feeling. Then notice the urge that came with it. Every emotion arrives carrying an instruction. Fear says leave. Shame says hide. Anger says attack. Sadness says shut the door and stay in.
Then you do the opposite. Not because the feeling is wrong or you should be ashamed of it, but as a test. You're running an experiment to find out what actually happens and whether the opposite move works better than following the urge.
Say you feel guilt and the urge is to disappear and avoid the person. The opposite action might be stepping out, going to them directly, and making amends. Say sadness is telling you to isolate. The opposite action might be texting a friend and making plans for later that day.
Two things worth knowing before you try it.
Opposite action works best when you go all in. Halfway doesn't teach your brain much. If you make amends while refusing to make eye contact, your brain doesn't learn a whole lot.
And it isn't for every situation. If the emotion fits the facts, opposite action is the wrong tool. If you're angry because someone actually crossed a line, the answer usually isn't to act like you're not angry. That's why checking the facts comes first.
Riding the wave
Some emotions don't need to be checked, changed, or acted on. They need to be outlasted.
Picture the emotion as an ocean wave. It builds, it peaks, and it eventually washes out. You don't have to fight the wave. You just have to stay on your surfboard until it passes.
The point of this one isn't to make the wave stop. It's to learn that it will pass on its own, without you doing anything about it. That's a hard thing to believe in the middle of a wave, which is exactly why it's worth practicing.
Where to Start
You don't need to learn all four at once. Pick the one that fits the problem you keep running into.
If you often can't tell what you're feeling, start with naming. If your reactions feel bigger than the situation, start with checking the facts. If you keep doing the thing that makes it worse, start with opposite action. If you're mostly trying to survive the intensity, start with riding the wave.
And when you practice one and it doesn't go well, that isn't proof the skill doesn't work for you. Skills take reps. Nobody drives well the first week.
Videos and Resources
Begin DBT Informed Counseling in Columbia, MO
If your emotions feel like they're driving and you're just along for the ride, that's something therapy can actually help with. At Aspire Counseling, several of our therapists have training in DBT and use these skills with clients in individual therapy, alongside other approaches that fit what you're working on. We’re also working on restarting a comprehensive DBT program for those who would benefit from the intensity of full strength Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
We have offices in Columbia and Lee's Summit, plus online therapy for anyone in Missouri. Here's how to get started:
Reach out online or call us at 573-328-2288 in Columbia or 816-287-1116 in Lee's Summit.
Talk with our Client Care Coordinator about what's going on and get matched with a therapist who fits.
Start working on the skills that help you feel like you're the one driving again.
Whenever you're ready for effective care and lasting change, we're here.
About the Author
Jordan Lascuola, LCSW, is a therapist at Aspire Counseling in Columbia, Missouri. He has more than 100 hours of training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and is also trained in DBT. Before joining Aspire, Jordan worked in higher acuity outpatient settings with clients navigating intense emotions and complicated situations. He works with teens and adults, and yes, he really does play Dungeons and Dragons.
Editorial support by Jessica Oliver, MSW, LCSW.
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