How to Overcome Abandonment Issues: Healing the Fear That People Will Leave
You already know you have abandonment issues. You've recognized the patterns—the fear, the clinging, the pushing away. Maybe you've read about it, journaled about it, even talked to friends about it.
But knowing isn't the same as changing. You're still bracing for people to leave. You're still testing relationships. You're still exhausted from the constant vigilance.
So how do you actually get over abandonment issues? How do you stop the fear from running your relationships?
The honest answer: you can't just think your way out. These patterns are rooted in your nervous system, not just your thoughts. But with the right approach, real change is absolutely possible.
Can You Actually Get Over Abandonment Issues?
Yes, you can heal from abandonment issues—though "getting over" them may not be the right frame. The goal isn't to erase your past or never feel fear again. It's to understand where these patterns come from, develop more secure attachment, and respond differently when old fears get triggered. Many people experience significant relief through therapy.
Healing doesn't mean becoming someone who doesn't care about relationships. It means caring without the constant terror. It means trusting without needing constant proof. It means being able to handle uncertainty without spiraling.
What changes is the grip the fear has on you. The old wounds might still be part of your story, but they no longer dictate how you behave in every relationship.
How to Overcome Abandonment Issues from Childhood
Healing abandonment issues from childhood often requires processing those early experiences—not just understanding them intellectually. Therapy approaches like EMDR, IFS, and psychodynamic therapy help you work through the original wounds so they have less power over your present relationships. This isn't about blaming your parents. It's about freeing yourself.
When abandonment fear started in childhood, it's stored deep. Your brain learned early that people leave, that love is conditional, that you can't count on anyone. Those beliefs got wired in before you had words for them. That's why reading a self-help book or telling yourself to "just trust" rarely works. The fear doesn't live in the part of your brain that reads books.
Effective therapy helps you revisit those early experiences in a way that actually shifts how they're stored. EMDR, for example, helps the brain reprocess old memories so they lose their emotional charge. You can remember what happened without it triggering the same flood of fear.
IFS therapy takes a different approach—helping you work with the wounded inner child who still carries that fear, and with the protective parts that developed to keep you safe. When those parts feel heard and understood, they often relax.
The point isn't to rehash your childhood endlessly. It's to resolve what got stuck so it stops running your life.
How to Cope with Abandonment Fear in Your Current Relationships
Coping with abandonment fear involves recognizing when you're triggered, communicating with your partner about your patterns, and learning to self-soothe when anxiety spikes. It also means building tolerance for uncertainty—learning that not knowing if someone will stay doesn't mean they'll leave.
While you're working on deeper healing from abandonment, here are some strategies that help in the moment:
Name what's happening. When you notice the fear rising, try saying to yourself: "This is my abandonment stuff getting activated. This feeling is old." Creating even a small gap between you and the fear can help you respond instead of react.
Pause before acting on the fear. When you feel the urge to seek reassurance, test your partner, or push them away—pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: "Is this about right now, or is this about my past?"
Communicate about your patterns. With a trusted partner or friend, it can help to say something like: "I have a fear of abandonment, and sometimes I need extra reassurance. I'm working on it, but I wanted you to know." This takes courage, but it often strengthens relationships rather than scaring people away.
Build a life that isn't solely dependent on one relationship. When your entire sense of security rests on one person, the fear of losing them becomes overwhelming. Invest in friendships, activities, and a sense of self that exists outside your romantic relationship.
Practice tolerating uncertainty. You can't know for certain that someone will never leave. No one can. Part of healing is learning to live with that uncertainty without constant dread.
Why "Just Trust Them" Advice Doesn't Work
Telling yourself to "just trust" doesn't work because abandonment fear lives in your nervous system, not your rational mind. You can know someone is trustworthy and still feel terrified they'll leave. Healing requires working at a deeper level than logic—which is why therapy approaches that engage emotion and body, not just thoughts, tend to be most effective.
If you've ever felt frustrated with yourself—"Why can't I just believe them when they say they love me?"—this is why. The believing isn't happening in the part of your brain that processes logic. It's happening in the part that learned, long ago, that people can't be counted on.
That's why CBT alone—which focuses on changing thoughts—sometimes isn't enough for deep abandonment issues. The thoughts are connected to feelings and body sensations that have their own logic. Effective therapy often combines cognitive work with approaches that engage the emotional and somatic level.
That said, CBT can still help. Working with a therapist to examine the "stuck points" that keep you locked in fear—beliefs like "Everyone leaves eventually" or "If I let my guard down, I'll get hurt"—can create real shifts. The key is using Socratic questioning that helps you develop your own insight, not just replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.
How to Get Over Abandonment Patterns That Sabotage Relationships
Breaking sabotage patterns—like pushing people away, testing partners, or ending relationships before you can be left—requires understanding what those behaviors are protecting you from. Often, sabotage is an attempt to control the pain: if you cause the ending, at least you're not blindsided. Therapy helps you feel safe enough to stop needing that protection.
Here's what makes sabotage so painful: you don't want to do it. You can see yourself pushing someone away and feel powerless to stop. You don't mean to test people or pick fights when things are going well. But the fear takes over, and the behavior happens almost automatically.
In IFS terms, there's a part of you that's trying to protect you by ending things first. It believes that being left is the worst possible outcome, so it takes action to prevent that—even though the action itself causes the very loss you feared.
When you understand this, you can start to approach that part with compassion instead of frustration. It's not your enemy. It's a part of you that learned to protect you in an environment where people weren't reliable. It just doesn't realize the situation has changed.
Therapy helps you work with this part—understanding its fears, appreciating its intention, and helping it see that there are other ways to stay safe now.
What Kind of Therapy Helps with Abandonment Issues?
Several evidence-based approaches help with abandonment issues. EMDR can process past experiences that created the fear. IFS helps you work with the parts of you that cling or push away. CBT examines stuck points and beliefs. ACT helps you identify your values and move toward the relationships you want even in moments of fear. The best approach depends on your specific situation.
At Aspire Counseling, our therapists use different approaches based on what fits each client, but always are using a method of counseling that is grounded in research and techniques we know can help:
EMDR helps you process the specific memories and experiences that created your fear of abandonment. If there are particular losses or hurts that still carry a charge, EMDR can help resolve them so they stop affecting your present.
IFS helps you work with the wounded inner child who carries the abandonment fear, and with the protective parts that push people away or cling too tightly. When these parts feel understood, they often relax.
CBT with Socratic questioning helps you examine the beliefs that keep you stuck—like "I can't trust anyone" or "Everyone leaves"—and develop your own insight into how these beliefs might be overgeneralized from past experiences.
ACT helps you get clear on what you value in relationships and how to move toward those values even when fear shows up. It's not about eliminating the fear—it's about not letting fear make all your decisions.
A good therapist will assess your situation and recommend—or combine—approaches based on what you need.
Start Healing from Abandonment Issues
You don't have to keep repeating the same patterns. You don't have to keep living with the constant fear that everyone will leave.
At Aspire Counseling, we work with adults throughout the Kansas City area—Lee's Summit, Blue Springs, Independence, Liberty, Overland Park, and beyond—who are ready to heal from abandonment issues. Our therapists understand these patterns and use evidence-based approaches to help you build more secure, sustainable relationships.
Ready to get started? We offer in-person sessions at our Lee's Summit counseling office, our Columbia counseling office and online therapy throughout Missouri. Call (816) 287-1116 or visit our contact page to schedule a consultation.
Healing is possible. And you don't have to do it alone.
About the Author
Jessica Oliver, MSW, LCSW is the founder and Clinical Director of Aspire Counseling, with offices in Lee's Summit and Columbia, Missouri. This article was written after conversations with Adam White, LPC (who specializes in IFS therapy) and Jill Hasso (who uses psychodynamic approaches) about how they help clients heal from abandonment issues. Jessica is trained in EMDR and ACT and works with adults navigating anxiety, trauma, and relationship patterns. She lives in Johnson County, Kansas and practices out of the Lee's Summit office.
