Most people who come to therapy angry want the same thing. They want the anger to stop.
That makes sense. Anger can feel hot and out of proportion. It can make you say things you regret. And many of us grew up learning that anger was bad, or at least something to keep quiet.
But what if anger isn't only a problem to get rid of? What if it's also trying to tell you something?
I talked about this with Jordan Lascuola, LCSW, one of our therapists in Columbia, on October 9, 2026. Jordan specializes in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). He made a point that's simple and easy to miss: anger often points straight at the things we care about most.
Is anger really a "negative" emotion?
When I asked Jordan about the important roles negative emotions can play, he pushed back on the question itself. And he had a point.
"Even calling an emotion negative in its own right is judgment of that emotion in the first place."
We sort feelings into good and bad without thinking about it. Happy, calm, and excited go in the good pile. Anger, guilt, shame, and fear go in the bad pile.
The problem is what that label does next. Once a feeling is "bad," the goal becomes getting rid of it. So we push it down, argue with it, or feel ashamed for having it at all. Now we're not just angry. We're angry and also upset with ourselves for being angry.
Jordan suggested stepping back from that judgment. He mentioned the trauma questionnaire we use at Aspire, the PCL-5, which asks about many of the biggest, hardest emotions people feel. Anger. Guilt. Horror. Shame.
"They also share a story and a meaning behind it."
That doesn't mean these feelings are pleasant. They're not. But uncomfortable isn't the same as useless. If you want to practice treating your feelings with a little less judgment, 6 Ways to Practice Validating Yourself is a good place to start.
How can anger show you what you care about?
This was the line from the interview that stuck with me most.
"Anger tells us exactly what we care about. If I don't care about something, why would I yell at it?"
Think about the last time you were really angry. Chances are, something you value was on the line.
You're furious that a coworker took credit for your idea. Maybe you care about fairness, or about your work being seen.
You snap when your partner is on their phone during dinner. Maybe you care about connection, and it feels like it's slipping.
You're angry about how a family member treated your child. You care about protecting the people you love.
It's hard to get angry about something that doesn't matter to you. You don't lose sleep over a stranger's lawn.
Jordan said the same is true for anxiety. "If it didn't matter to me, then why would I feel anxiety about whether or not I did good on that test last week?"
So instead of only asking, "How do I stop feeling this?" there's another question worth asking: "What does this tell me about what matters to me?"
That question is at the heart of ACT. Values aren't just a list you write down once. They show up in real life, often through the feelings we'd rather not have. Jordan wrote more about this in Values in ACT Therapy: What Do You Want to Stand For?
Why do we try so hard to avoid feelings like anger?
When I asked Jordan why emotions feel so scary, his answer was short. "It's evolutionary."
Our emotions developed to help us survive. Jordan pointed to what happens in the body. Your heart pounds. Your skin gets sweaty. Your body is getting ready to run faster or hold on tighter. Those reactions kept our ancestors alive.
That's also why strong emotions can feel like an emergency, even when they aren't. If you've ever wondered why anxiety or anger feels so physical, Why Is This Happening to Me? explains more.
Jordan described each emotion as having a story to tell. "All these emotions share a story with us." And some stories are ones we'd rather skip.
So we try. We stay busy. We scroll. We have a drink. We change the subject. Jordan shared a line he picked up in his ACT training and uses all the time: "Bottle in front of me or frontal lobotomy, I'm gonna forget about these emotions."
It doesn't work, of course. "It doesn't really matter how hard we try to avoid it, they're still gonna be there," he said. "And I think that also adds to how much we don't want to feel them. It's a fun little vicious cycle."
The more we avoid a feeling, the scarier it gets. The scarier it gets, the more we avoid it. We wrote about that cycle in The Beach Ball: Why Not Just Avoid Emotions?
Jordan put it plainly. "We're just a feeling species. We have to feel. If we don't feel, then we're not living." He called that what makes being human really special, and also really painful. Both are true.
Does listening to anger mean acting on it?
No. This is the part that's easy to get wrong.
Anger usually comes with two things at once. There's the message: something you care about is being threatened. And there's the urge: yell, slam the door, send the angry text, quit on the spot.
The message is often worth hearing. The urge is not always worth following.
Say you're angry because your teenager broke curfew again. The message might be, "I care about their safety, and I care about being respected." The urge might be to scream at them the second they walk in. Those are very different things. One points you toward what matters. The other can push you further from it.
This is where ACT gets practical. The goal isn't to stop feeling angry. It's to notice the anger, hear what it's telling you, and then choose what to do based on what you actually care about. Jordan described it as learning to hold a feeling "while also moving toward the things that we care about."
Sometimes that means saying something hard, calmly and clearly. Sometimes it means setting a boundary. Sometimes it means waiting until tomorrow to have the conversation. The anger stays welcome. It just doesn't get to drive.
Jordan called this "that whole leaning in process that ACT is really good at providing." Making room for a feeling isn't the same as liking it or giving in to it. His post Acceptance in ACT Therapy: Receiving What You Didn't Ask For goes deeper on that difference.
What can you ask yourself the next time you're angry?
You don't have to figure this out perfectly in the heat of the moment. Even asking one of these questions afterward can help:
What am I feeling right now? Name it plainly. Angry, frustrated, hurt, embarrassed. Sometimes it's more than one.
What is this anger telling me I care about? Fairness? Respect? Safety? Being heard?
What is the anger urging me to do? Notice the urge without obeying it yet.
If I acted on what I care about, instead of on the urge, what would I do?
What's one small step in that direction?
These questions won't make anger disappear. That's not the point. The point is to stop treating anger as the enemy and start treating it as information you can use.
When is anger a sign you need more support?
Listening to anger is a skill. But sometimes anger is a signal that something bigger needs attention. It may be time to talk with a therapist if:
Your anger feels out of control, or comes on much faster and stronger than the situation calls for
You've broken things, scared people you love, or hurt yourself or someone else
You feel angry most of the time, even when nothing in particular has happened
Anger started or got much worse after something traumatic
Anger is a common part of trauma, which is one reason it shows up on the PCL-5. If that sounds familiar, trauma-focused therapy may help. Anger can also be anxiety in disguise, which we wrote about in When Anxiety Looks Like Anger. And if you're wondering whether anger-focused treatment works, read Is Anger Management Therapy Actually Effective?
If you're ever worried you might hurt yourself or someone else, call or text 988, or call 911.
Start ACT Therapy in Columbia or Online Across Missouri
At Aspire Counseling, we believe in doing what works. Our therapists use acceptance and commitment therapy alongside other evidence-based treatments, and we keep sharpening those skills together through ongoing consultation.
Jordan Lascuola, LCSW has more than 100 hours of ACT training and is also trained in DBT. He sees clients ages 14 and up in our Columbia office and through online therapy anywhere in Missouri. He's especially good at helping people get curious about the feelings they've spent years trying to avoid.
We start with a free consultation, so you can get a feel for whether it's a good fit. If it isn't, we'll help you find someone on our team who is.
To get started:
Call our Columbia office at 573-328-2288
Call our Lee's Summit office at (816) 287-1116
Reach out online, or ask our client care team to call you at a time that works for you
Whenever you're ready to hear what your anger has been trying to tell you, we're here.
About the Author
Jessica Oliver, MSW, LCSW (formerly Jessica Tappana), is the founder and clinical director of Aspire Counseling. She has worked in mental health since 2008. Her early years were spent delivering DBT, and she later completed ACT Level 2 training in 2017. Both approaches shape how she helps clients understand hard emotions without letting those emotions run the show.
This post is based on Jessica's interview with Jordan Lascuola, LCSW, on October 9, 2026. Jordan is an ACT specialist with more than 100 hours of training and a background in higher-acuity outpatient care. He's also part of Aspire's DBT consultation team. For clients working on trauma, Aspire's therapists track progress with tools like the PCL-5, which asks about anger, guilt, and shame. Those emotions are measured over time, not just talked about.
