When Your Child Has a Meltdown
Responding in the Moment vs. Teaching for Next Time
Your child is in full meltdown mode. They're screaming, crying, maybe throwing things. Their face is red. They're completely dysregulated. And you're standing there thinking: What do I do right now?
Maybe you've tried reasoning with them—that didn't work. Maybe you've tried consequences—that made it worse. Maybe you've just stood there feeling helpless, not knowing if you should intervene or give space.
Here's what you need to know: What you do in the moment of a meltdown is completely different from what you do to prevent the next one.
Most parents mix these up. They try to teach and problem-solve during the meltdown, which is impossible. Or they only focus on surviving the meltdown without doing any teaching afterward, which means nothing changes.
Let's break down exactly what to do during a meltdown and what to do after—so you can help your child in the moment and teach them skills for the future. Understanding how to help your anxious or traumatized child includes knowing how to navigate these intense moments.
If your child's meltdowns are frequent and severe, child counseling in Columbia, MO, therapy for anxious children, or trauma-informed support can help address the underlying causes.
Understanding What's Happening During a Meltdown
Before we talk about what to do, let's understand what's actually happening in your child's brain during a meltdown.
The Brain's Alarm System Goes Off
When your child has a meltdown, their amygdala (the brain's fear center) has taken over. Their prefrontal cortex (the thinking, reasoning part of the brain) has gone offline.
This means:
They can't think logically
They can't process complex language
They can't make good decisions
They can't "just calm down" on command
It's Not a Choice
Your child isn't choosing to have a meltdown to manipulate you or make your life difficult. Their nervous system is overwhelmed, and they've lost the ability to regulate.
Fight, Flight, or Freeze
During a meltdown, your child is in one of three survival states:
Fight: Aggression, yelling, throwing things, hitting Flight: Running away, hiding, trying to escape Freeze: Shutting down, going silent, becoming unresponsive
All of these are involuntary nervous system responses, not conscious choices.
Why This Matters
Understanding that your child's brain is literally not capable of reasoning during a meltdown changes how you respond. You wouldn't expect someone who's passed out to have a conversation with you. Similarly, you can't expect a dysregulated child to think rationally.
What NOT to Do in the Moment
Let's start with what doesn't work—because these are the things most parents instinctively try.
Don't Try to Reason or Teach
Why it doesn't work: Your child's thinking brain is offline. They literally cannot process logic, problem-solving, or lessons right now.
What it sounds like:
"If you would just calm down, we could talk about this."
"You need to use your words."
"This isn't a big deal, you're overreacting."
"Let's think about what you could do differently."
Why parents do it anyway: Because it feels like we should be teaching in the moment. But the moment of crisis is not the teaching moment.
Don't Escalate with Anger or Yelling
Why it doesn't work: When you get angry or raise your voice, you're adding more threat to an already overwhelmed nervous system. This makes the meltdown worse and last longer.
What it sounds like:
"I am so tired of dealing with this!"
"You need to stop this right now!"
"This is ridiculous!"
"If you don't calm down, you're in big trouble!"
Why parents do it anyway: Because we're human, and watching our child melt down is stressful. We feel overwhelmed too. But matching their dysregulation with our own doesn't help anyone.
Don't Give In to Stop the Meltdown
Why it doesn't work: If you give your child what they want just to end the meltdown, you're teaching them that meltdowns are an effective way to get things.
What it looks like:
Your child melts down because you said no to screen time, so you give them the iPad to make it stop
Your child refuses to go to school and you let them stay home
Your child demands a toy at the store and you buy it to avoid the tantrum
Why parents do it anyway: Because sometimes you're desperate for the screaming to stop. You're exhausted. You're in public and embarrassed. But this creates a cycle that's hard to break.
Don't Dismiss or Minimize Their Feelings
Why it doesn't work: Even though the trigger might seem small to you, it feels huge to your child. Dismissing it adds shame to their overwhelm.
What it sounds like:
"You're fine, stop crying."
"This isn't a big deal."
"You're being dramatic."
"Other kids don't act like this."
Why parents do it anyway: Because from an adult perspective, the trigger often does seem small. But to an anxious or traumatized child, everything can feel like a threat.
Don't Walk Away Completely
Why it doesn't work (usually): Most anxious or traumatized children need your presence during a meltdown, even if they're pushing you away verbally. Complete abandonment can feel threatening.
The exception: If your child is physically aggressive and you or others are unsafe, creating distance is appropriate. But that's about safety, not punishment.
What TO Do in the Moment: Step-by-Step
Now let's talk about what actually helps during a meltdown.
Step 1: Ensure Safety First
Before anything else, make sure everyone is physically safe.
If your child is at risk of hurting themselves:
Remove dangerous objects
Move to a safe space if needed
Stay close enough to intervene if necessary
If your child is at risk of hurting others:
Protect other children or pets
Create physical distance if needed
Stay calm and don't escalate
If your child is at risk of property damage: That's lower priority than physical safety, but if you can remove fragile items or move to a safer space, do so.
Step 2: Regulate Yourself First
You cannot co-regulate your child if you're dysregulated yourself.
Take a breath: Literally. A few deep breaths tell your own nervous system to calm down.
Check your body: Are your shoulders tense? Jaw clenched? Consciously relax.
Remind yourself: "This is not about me. My child is overwhelmed. I can handle this."
Step 3: Provide a Calm, Non-Threatening Presence
Position yourself nearby but not hovering. Get down on their level if possible.
What to say (in a calm, low voice):
"I'm right here."
"You're safe."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"It's okay to feel upset."
What not to say:
Don't ask questions ("What's wrong?" "Why are you doing this?")
Don't make demands ("Stop crying." "Calm down now.")
Don't explain or reason
Step 4: Offer Minimal, Soothing Language
Keep your words simple and repetitive. Your tone matters more than your words.
Examples:
"I'm here. You're safe. I'm here. You're safe." (repeat)
"It's okay. Let it out. It's okay."
"I've got you. You're okay."
Keep it brief: Anxious children can get overwhelmed by too much talking. Less is more.
Step 5: Offer Physical Comfort (If They Want It)
Some children want to be held during a meltdown. Others need space.
Pay attention to cues:
Reaching for you → Offer a hug
Pulling away → Give space but stay close
Somewhere in between → Stay nearby with a hand on their back
Ask if you're not sure: "Would a hug help right now?"
Step 6: Wait It Out
This is the hardest part. You have to let the meltdown run its course.
What this looks like:
Stay present
Stay calm
Keep your energy grounded and steady
Don't try to fix or change anything
How long it takes: Most meltdowns last 10-20 minutes if you don't escalate them. The more you try to stop it, the longer it lasts.
Step 7: Notice When They're Coming Down
You'll see signs that the meltdown is subsiding:
Breathing slows
Body relaxes
Crying becomes quieter
They make eye contact or reach for you
What to do: Continue your calm presence. Maybe increase physical comfort if they're receptive. Don't rush into talking yet.
Step 8: Help Them Fully Regulate
Once the peak has passed, help them complete the regulation process.
Offer comfort:
A drink of water
A tissue
A hug or comfort item
A quiet space to rest
Use simple language: "You had some big feelings. You're okay now. I'm proud of you for getting through that."
After the Storm: How to Debrief
Once your child is fully calm (usually at least 30 minutes to an hour after the meltdown), you can do a gentle debrief.
Wait for the Right Time
Don't debrief:
Immediately after the meltdown
When your child is still upset
When you're still upset
At bedtime
Right before a stressful transition
Good times to debrief:
The next day at a calm moment
During a car ride when there's no eye contact pressure
During a connecting activity like coloring together
Use Gentle, Curious Language
Don't interrogate. Explore together.
What to say:
"I noticed you had a hard time yesterday when [trigger]. Can we talk about that?"
"What was happening for you before you got upset?"
"Where did you feel that big feeling in your body?"
"What do you think would help next time you feel that way?"
Validate What Happened
Even if the trigger seemed small, validate that their feelings were real.
What to say: "It makes sense that you felt [emotion] when [trigger]. That's a real feeling. Let's think about what might help next time."
Problem-Solve Together
This is where the teaching happens—after, not during.
What to explore:
"What do you think triggered the big feelings?"
"What could you try next time you feel that way?"
"What do you need from me when you're feeling overwhelmed?"
"Let's practice some strategies you could use."
Keep It Brief
Don't turn the debrief into a long lecture. A 5-10 minute conversation is plenty.
Teaching Skills Between Meltdowns
The real work happens when your child is calm—teaching them skills they can use before and during the next meltdown.
Teach Emotional Identification
Help your child recognize emotions before they become overwhelming.
How to teach it:
Use feelings charts throughout the day
Name emotions you see: "You look frustrated right now."
Name your own emotions: "I'm feeling stressed."
Read books about feelings
Practice Calming Strategies
Work on calming techniques daily when your child is regulated, so they're automatic when needed.
What to practice:
Deep breathing exercises
Grounding techniques (5-4-3-2-1)
Progressive muscle relaxation
Visualization
Safe place imagery
Identify Triggers and Early Warning Signs
Help your child notice what happens before a meltdown.
What to explore together:
"What situations make you feel upset?"
"What does your body feel like before you get really upset?"
"What are the signs that big feelings are coming?"
Create a Calm-Down Plan
Work together to create a plan for what to do when big feelings start.
Include:
Where they can go (a cozy corner, their room)
What they can do (breathing, squeezing a stress ball)
Who can help (parent, teacher, school counselor)
What they can say ("I need a break" "I need help")
Use Visual Supports
For younger children or visual learners, create visual cues they can reference.
Ideas:
Feelings thermometer showing escalation
Pictures of calming strategies
Social stories about handling big feelings
"Calm down menu" with different options
Role-Play Scenarios
Practice what to do in triggering situations before they happen.
How to do it:
Act out a scenario that typically triggers your child
Practice using coping strategies
Make it playful, not stressful
Praise effort, not perfection
When Meltdowns Signal a Bigger Problem
Meltdowns are normal for young children occasionally. But if they're frequent, severe, or not improving with your support, it may be time for professional help.
Signs Professional Help Is Needed
Frequency
Multiple meltdowns per day
Meltdowns happening most days
Not decreasing with age
Severity
Meltdowns lasting over 30 minutes regularly
Destructive or violent behavior
Self-harm during meltdowns
Seeming completely out of control
Impact
Missing school due to meltdowns
Unable to participate in age-appropriate activities
Damaging family relationships
Siblings being traumatized by meltdowns
Lack of Improvement
Your strategies aren't helping
Meltdowns are getting worse, not better
Your child seems miserable
What Professional Help Provides
A therapist can:
Assess underlying causes (anxiety, trauma, sensory issues, etc.)
Teach specific regulation skills
Help you understand your child's triggers
Give you personalized strategies
Address root causes, not just symptoms
Get Expert Help for Meltdowns and Anxiety in Mid Missouri
At Aspire Counseling, we help children throughout Columbia, Jefferson City, Lee's Summit, and all of Mid Missouri learn to regulate their emotions and reduce the frequency and intensity of meltdowns.
Our team understands that meltdowns are symptoms of underlying struggles—anxiety, trauma, sensory processing issues, or difficulty with emotional regulation. We don't just address the behavior; we address what's driving it.
We Teach Both Children and Parents
Therapy for childhood meltdowns includes:
Teaching your child regulation skills
Helping you understand triggers and responses
Creating personalized strategies for your family
Addressing underlying anxiety or trauma
Building communication between parents and children
Ready to reduce meltdowns and help your child feel more in control?
Call (573) 328-2288 to speak with our Client Care Specialist about your child's meltdowns
Learn about our child anxiety therapy throughout Missouri
Explore our child counseling services in Columbia, MO
Read about trauma therapy for kids if trauma may be involved
You're doing a hard job. Let us help make it easier.
About the Author
Jessica (Tappana) Oliver, MSW, LCSW, founder and Clinical Director of Aspire Counseling, has trained Aspire's team to respond to childhood meltdowns with compassion and evidence-based strategies that work.
Our Child Thearpists work with families every day to reduce meltdowns and build regulation skills. They understand that meltdowns are overwhelming for both children and parents, and they provide practical, effective support to help everyone feel better.
The Aspire team serves families throughout Columbia, Jefferson City, Lee's Summit, and all of Mid Missouri with therapy that addresses the root causes of dysregulation, not just the symptoms.
