Why Do I Keep Falling Into the Same Negative Patterns?
You’ve noticed it. That’s actually important.
You can see the pattern—the people-pleasing, the perfectionism, the overthinking. You recognize when you’re doing it. You might even catch yourself mid-spiral and think, “Here I go again.”
And yet, knowing doesn’t seem to be enough to change it.
If you’ve ever felt frustrated with yourself for repeating the same behaviors—even when you know they aren’t helping—you’re not alone. And you’re not failing. These patterns are hard to break for reasons that go deeper than willpower or “trying harder.”
Let’s talk about why.
Why Can’t I Just Stop?
Because these patterns developed for a reason—and on some level, they helped you.
They weren’t random. They helped you cope, stay safe, or get your needs met at some point in your life. The problem is that what protected you then may be costing you now. And your brain doesn’t automatically “update” just because your life is different today.
This isn’t a flaw in you. It’s how human brains work.
Why Is People-Pleasing So Hard to Change?
People-pleasing sticks because it sometimes gets rewarded.
When you say yes, smooth things over, or make life easier for others, you might get:
approval
relief
gratitude
fewer conflicts
Even if that doesn’t happen every time, it happens often enough that your brain learns, “Do this again.”
Then when you try to set a boundary, it can feel wrong or selfish—even when you know it’s healthy. That discomfort can pull you right back into the old pattern.
If you’ve ever felt like you “shrink” your needs to keep the peace, this may also connect to feeling invalidated in the past. You can read more about that here: The Impact of Invalidation: Why It Hurts and What You Can Do About It
Why Does Perfectionism Feel So Necessary?
Perfectionism often stays because it has helped you succeed.
When you push harder, check everything twice, or hold yourself to high standards, you might:
get praised
avoid mistakes
feel “safe” from criticism
But perfectionism usually isn’t just about doing well. It’s often about avoiding the feeling of not being good enough. And even when you do great, that fear doesn’t go away for long. The bar just moves higher.
If you want a helpful read that connects perfectionism to the nervous system (and how it can be protective), check this out: The Part of You That Won’t Let You Rest (And Why It’s Trying to Help)
You may also like: How to Tell if Perfectionism Is Trauma-Related
Why Can’t I Stop Overthinking?
Overthinking can feel like it helps.
If things go well, your brain says, “Good thing I thought it through.”
If things go badly, your brain says, “I should have thought more.”
Either way, overthinking “wins,” so your brain keeps using it.
Underneath the overthinking is usually fear:
fear of making the wrong choice
fear of being caught off guard
fear of disappointing people
fear of uncertainty
The cost is real: mental exhaustion, trouble sleeping, and feeling stuck.
If you want a clearer picture of this cycle, here’s a helpful post: Overthinking Everything? How Anxiety Distorts Your Thoughts
If These Patterns Have Worked, Why Change Them?
Because “working” and “sustainable” are not the same.
A pattern can help you function while slowly wearing you down. You might be managing—but also exhausted.
The goal isn’t to erase parts of you. Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and overthinking aren’t all bad. They often started as ways to help you.
The goal is to have more choice. To not be run by the pattern.
Why Is Insight Not Enough to Change?
Because patterns don’t live only in your thoughts.
They also live in your body and nervous system. You can understand why you do something and still feel pulled to do it.
Real change usually comes from practicing something different in real time:
noticing the urge to people-please and pausing
letting something be “good enough” once
making a decision without going back to review it 20 times
This is slow work. It happens in small moments, over time. And it’s often easier with support.
How Does Therapy Help With Patterns Like These?
Therapy helps you understand what’s underneath the pattern—not just fight it.
A good therapist won’t just hand you tips and tell you to try harder. They’ll help you explore:
when the pattern started
what it’s protecting you from
what it costs you now
what it would feel like to respond differently
Many people also find it helpful to think in terms of “parts”—the part that overthinks, the part that pushes, the part that keeps the peace. That’s one reason Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be a great fit for pattern work.
If you’re curious, these may help:
Therapy for Anxiety and Patterns in Lee’s Summit and Missouri
At Aspire Counseling, we work with adults who feel stuck in patterns they can’t seem to change—even when they understand them.
We offer support for:
deeper pattern work through IFS therapy
We offer in-person therapy at our Lee’s Summit office and Columbia office, plus online therapy across Missouri.
If you’re looking for a calm, thoughtful therapist who works well with high-functioning anxiety and stuck patterns, you can learn more about Jill here: Jill Hasso, LPC
Call 573-328-2288 or fill out our contact form to schedule a free consultation.
About Our Newest Therapist
Jill Hasso, LPC works with adults (and older teens) who feel stuck in patterns like overthinking, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxiety. Jill offers sessions in person in Lee’s Summit and online across Missouri. Learn more here: Jill Hasso
This article was written by Jessica Oliver (formerly Tappana), LCSW, the founder and Clinical Director of Aspire Counseling in Lee’s Summit, Missouri.
While Jessica wrote this post, Aspire Counseling has an amazing team of clinicians who provide thoughtful, evidence-based care. Our Lee’s Summit Counselors are passionate about helping teens & adults understand the patterns that keep them stuck—like people-pleasing, perfectionism, and overthinking—especially when those patterns are tied to anxiety or past experiences.
If you’re looking for support in person, our Lee’s Summit team works with adults who feel high-functioning on the outside but exhausted on the inside. Our therapists have advanced training in approaches like anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS)—so we can help you move from insight to real change.
If you’re ready for next steps, you can schedule a free consultation here.
