Surviving Holiday Family Gatherings When You Have Anxiety (or your child does)

Family gatherings are supposed to be the best part of the holidays. The cousins playing together. The big meal. The traditions that connect generations.

But if you or your child struggles with anxiety, family gatherings can feel like something to survive rather than enjoy.

Maybe you're already dreading Aunt Susan's questions about your job. Maybe your stomach knots up thinking about the chaos of fifteen people crammed into your parents' living room. Maybe your child has already started asking if they "have to go" to the family Hanukkah party or Christmas dinner.

You're not alone. And you're not overreacting. Family gatherings genuinely are hard for people with anxiety—adults and kids alike.

The good news? There are real strategies that can help. Not just "think positive" advice, but practical tools that our therapists use with clients every day.

Why Are Family Gatherings So Hard for People with Anxiety?

It helps to understand what makes these events so activating for an anxious brain. Family gatherings often include:

Unpredictability. You can't control who says what, how long you'll stay, or what topics will come up. For an anxious person, uncertainty is fuel for worry.

Sensory overload. Noise, crowds, smells, chaos. Multiple conversations happening at once. Kids running around. It's a lot for a nervous system that's already on high alert.

Social performance pressure. The expectation to make small talk, answer personal questions, appear happy, and "be social" for hours at a time.

Family dynamics. Old patterns, unresolved tensions, and relationships that may not feel entirely safe.

Loss of routine. Especially for kids, the holidays disrupt normal schedules—and routine is often what helps anxious children feel safe.

Understanding what triggers anxiety—whether in yourself or your child—is the first step toward managing it. Once you know what you're dealing with, you can plan accordingly.

Before the Gathering: How to Prepare

Much of anxiety management happens before the event. Here's how to set yourself (or your child) up for success:

Preview what to expect. For kids especially, anxiety often comes from the unknown. Talk through who will be there, what the schedule will look like, and what they can expect. "We'll get there around 2:00. Grandma and Grandpa will be there, plus Uncle Mike's family. We'll eat around 4:00, and we'll probably leave around 6:00."

Set a time limit. One of the hardest parts of anxiety is feeling trapped. Knowing there's an end point helps. You might say, "We're going to stay for three hours" or "We'll leave after dessert." For adults, giving yourself permission to leave early can take the pressure off.

Create a code word. This is one of our favorite strategies for families. Agree on a word or phrase that means "I need a break" or "I'm at my limit." It lets your child (or partner) communicate without having to explain in the moment. Something simple like "I think I left something in the car" works great.

Identify a safe space. Before you arrive, figure out where you or your child can go for a break. The car is often perfect—it's quiet, private, and you can sit there for a few minutes without anyone noticing. A bedroom, backyard, or even the bathroom can also work.

Lower your expectations. This isn't pessimism—it's wisdom. You don't have to have a magical time. You don't have to connect deeply with every relative. "Good enough" is a perfectly acceptable goal. If you're a parent managing your own stress, our post on making memories without perfectionism has more on this.

During the Gathering: Strategies for the Moment

You're there. People are everywhere. Your heart is racing (or your kid is clinging to your leg). Now what?

Arrive with a job. This sounds counterintuitive, but having something to do can reduce anxiety. Offer to help in the kitchen, be in charge of the kids' table, or handle the music. Having a role gives you something to focus on besides your anxiety—and a reason to step away from conversations.

Use grounding techniques. When anxiety spikes, your nervous system needs a signal that you're safe. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This brings your brain back to the present moment.

Take scheduled breaks. Don't wait until you're overwhelmed. Plan to step outside or go to the bathroom every 30-45 minutes. Even two minutes of quiet can help you reset. For kids, you might say, "Let's go check on the car" or "Want to take a walk with me?"

Use your breath. Slow, deep breaths activate your parasympathetic nervous system—the one that calms you down. Try breathing in for 4 counts, holding for 4 counts, and breathing out for 6 counts. You can do this at the dinner table and no one will notice.

Have an anchor person. Identify one person at the gathering who feels safe. This might be your partner, a sibling, or a cousin you're close to. Knowing you have someone in your corner can make a big difference. For kids, this might mean staying physically close to you for the first 20 minutes until they warm up.

Prepare a few responses. If you're dreading certain questions ("When are you having kids?" "How's the job search?"), having a response ready can reduce the panic. Keep it short and redirect: "Still figuring that out! How's your new house?" You don't owe anyone a detailed answer.

If Your Child Has a Meltdown at a Family Gathering

It might happen. Even with preparation, sometimes the overwhelm is just too much. Here's what to do:

Stay calm yourself. Your child's nervous system is looking to yours for cues. If you panic or get frustrated, it escalates their distress. Take a breath. You've got this.

Remove them from the situation. Get them to a quiet space—the car, a bedroom, outside. They can't calm down in the middle of the chaos that triggered them.

Validate, don't fix. Say something like, "This is really hard. There are so many people here and it's really loud. I get it." Resist the urge to immediately problem-solve or tell them they're fine.

Wait it out. Meltdowns have a wave—they build, peak, and come down. Trying to reason with a child at the peak doesn't work. Stay present, stay calm, and wait for the wave to pass.

Don't force a return. If your child has hit their limit, it's okay to leave early. Pushing them back into the gathering after a meltdown usually leads to another meltdown. Protecting their mental health is more important than staying until dessert.

We have a whole post on what to do when your child has a meltdown with more detailed strategies—it's worth reading before the holidays if this is something you anticipate.

Also important: knowing what NOT to do when your child has anxiety. Some well-meaning responses—like saying "there's nothing to be afraid of" or forcing them to push through—actually make things worse.

For Teenagers: When Family Gatherings Feel Unbearable

Teens face a unique version of family gathering anxiety. The small talk. The questions about school, grades, college, relationships. The expectation to be social when they'd rather disappear.

For teens with social anxiety, these events can feel genuinely unbearable—not dramatic, not exaggerated, but truly overwhelming.

If you're a teen reading this:

• It's okay to take breaks. You don't have to be "on" for four hours straight.

• Having headphones or your phone as a backup isn't rude—it's a coping tool. (Just clear it with your parents first.)

• You can have a few rehearsed answers ready for the predictable questions.

• Find an ally—maybe a cousin your age or a family member who gets it.

If you're a parent of an anxious teen:

• Don't force interaction. Saying "just go talk to your cousins" usually backfires.

• Give them an out. Let them know they can come to you if they need a break.

• Defend them if needed. If Grandma is interrogating them about college plans, it's okay to redirect the conversation.

• Debrief afterward. Check in on the drive home: "That was a lot. How are you doing?"

If your teen's anxiety is significantly impacting their life, online therapy can be a good option—many teens find it easier to open up from the comfort of their own room.

For Adults: Managing Your Own Anxiety at Family Events

Maybe you're reading this because it's your anxiety—not your child's—that makes family gatherings hard.

Maybe you spend days dreading it. Maybe you need a day to recover afterward. Maybe you've gotten really good at looking fine while internally counting down the minutes until you can leave.

If that's you, everything in this post applies to you too. You deserve breaks. You can use a code word with your partner. You can leave early. You can sit in the car for five minutes and breathe.

A few additional thoughts for adults:

Watch the alcohol. It's tempting to use a drink to take the edge off. And one drink might genuinely help you relax. But alcohol can also increase anxiety the next day, lower your ability to use coping skills in the moment, and sometimes lead to saying things you regret. Know your limits.

Set boundaries ahead of time. If there are topics you don't want to discuss—your dating life, your weight, your career—decide ahead of time how you'll handle them. "I'm not talking about that today" is a complete sentence.

You don't have to stay the whole time. Really. You can make an appearance, connect with the people who matter to you, and leave. "We have another commitment" doesn't require explanation.

Give yourself compassion afterward. If you felt anxious, that doesn't mean you failed. It means you did something hard. Acknowledge that.

If you're someone who's been holding it all together while quietly struggling, the holidays have a way of pushing you to your limit. That's actually useful information. It might be telling you that you need more support.

After the Gathering: Recovery Mode

You survived. Now what?

Don't schedule anything immediately after. If possible, keep the evening free or the next morning low-key. You need recovery time, and so do your kids.

Debrief gently. With kids: "What was the hardest part? What was okay?" This helps them process and helps you plan for next time. With yourself: notice what worked and what didn't without judgment.

Return to routine. For anxious kids especially, getting back to normal bedtimes, meals, and schedules helps their nervous system settle.

Acknowledge the effort. You did a hard thing. Your kid did a hard thing. That deserves recognition—not "see, it wasn't that bad," but "that was hard and you got through it."

When It's More Than Just Holiday Stress

Some anxiety around family gatherings is normal. But if the anxiety is:

• Interfering with daily life weeks before the event

• Causing your child to refuse to attend school or other activities

• Leading to panic attacks, severe meltdowns, or physical symptoms

• Making you or your child feel hopeless or desperate

...then it might be time to talk to someone.

At Aspire Counseling, we work with kids, teens, and adults who struggle with anxiety. We offer child anxiety counseling, teen therapy, and anxiety treatment for adults—all using evidence-based approaches that actually help.

We have offices in Lee's Summit and Columbia, and we offer online therapy throughout Missouri.

You don't have to white-knuckle your way through every family gathering. There are tools that can help—and people who can teach them to you.

Wishing you a holiday season with more peace than panic.

Call: 573-328-2288

Or: Fill out our online contact form to schedule a free consultation

About the Author

Jessica Oliver, LCSW, is the founder and Clinical Director of Aspire Counseling, with offices in Lee's Summit and Columbia, Missouri. She founded the practice in 2017 and leads a team of therapists who specialize in anxiety treatment for all ages. Jessica believes that with the right tools and support, even the hardest situations—including family gatherings—can become manageable.