What Not to Do When Your Child Has Anxiety (and What to Do Instead)
Your child is anxious. You can see it in their face, hear it in their voice, feel it in the tension of their little body. You want to help—desperately. But sometimes, with the best intentions, parents make anxiety worse instead of better.
This isn't your fault. Nobody teaches us how to respond to childhood anxiety. We parent from instinct, from how we were parented, from desperation in the moment. But some common responses—though they feel right—actually reinforce anxiety rather than reducing it.
Understanding how to help your anxious or traumatized child starts with knowing what not to do. If you're seeking therapy for anxious children in Missouri or child counseling in Columbia, learning these principles will help you support your child's progress.
Let's look at five common mistakes parents make when their child has anxiety—and more importantly, what to do instead.
Mistake #1: Providing Constant Reassurance
When your child asks "What if something bad happens?" your instinct is to reassure them. You say "Everything will be fine" or "That won't happen" or "You're safe." They seem relieved—for about five minutes. Then they ask again. And again. And again.
Why This Doesn't Work
Reassurance provides temporary relief, but it teaches your child that they can't tolerate uncertainty without your input. Each time you reassure them, you're reinforcing the idea that the anxiety is dangerous and must be immediately eliminated.
The cycle intensifies: Your child feels anxious, asks for reassurance, feels better briefly, then needs more reassurance. The questions become more frequent and the relief shorter-lived.
What to Do Instead
Set limits on reassurance while validating the feeling.
Try this approach: "I can see you're worried. I'll answer this question once, and then we're going to practice sitting with the uncertainty together."
After answering once, redirect: "We already talked about that. What's something you can do right now to help yourself feel calmer?"
Teach your child that they can handle uncertainty. The goal isn't to eliminate all worry—it's to build tolerance for uncomfortable feelings.
Mistake #2: Allowing Avoidance to Continue
Your child doesn't want to go to school. They're crying, begging, saying their stomach hurts. You let them stay home "just this once." The next week, it happens again. Before you know it, your child is missing school regularly.
Why This Doesn't Work
Avoidance is anxiety's best friend. Every time your child avoids something because of anxiety, their brain learns "That thing is dangerous, and I can't handle it." The feared situation becomes more frightening, not less.
Short-term, avoidance reduces anxiety. Long-term, it makes anxiety worse and shrinks your child's world. They avoid more and more things until their life becomes severely limited.
What to Do Instead
Gently push toward facing fears while providing support.
Use gradual exposure: Break the feared situation into small, manageable steps. If your child is afraid of school, maybe you start by driving past the school, then walking around on the weekend, then staying for one class, then half a day, then full days.
Make it clear that avoidance isn't an option, but you'll help them face it: "I know school feels scary. We're going to work on this together. School is important, and you're capable of handling it."
Celebrate brave behavior: "I know that was hard, and you did it anyway. I'm proud of you."
Mistake #3: Dismissing Their Feelings
Your child is crying about something that seems small to you—maybe they got a B instead of an A, or their friend didn't sit with them at lunch. You say "You're fine" or "That's not a big deal" or "Stop overreacting."
Why This Doesn't Work
Dismissing feelings teaches your child that their emotions are wrong or invalid. This doesn't reduce anxiety—it adds shame on top of the anxiety. Your child learns not to come to you with problems because you don't understand.
Even if the trigger seems minor to you, the feeling is real to your child. Anxious children often have big reactions to small triggers because their nervous system is overly sensitive.
What to Do Instead
Validate the feeling, even if you don't agree with the reaction.
Try: "I can see you're really upset about this. Tell me what's making this hard for you."
Validate without fixing: "That sounds frustrating. It makes sense that you're disappointed."
Then help them problem-solve: "What do you think might help you feel better?"
Validation doesn't mean agreeing that the situation is catastrophic. It means acknowledging that the emotion is real and acceptable.
Mistake #4: Modeling Anxious Behavior
Your child watches everything you do. If you catastrophize about minor problems, avoid situations that make you anxious, or express constant worry, your child learns that the world is dangerous and anxiety is the appropriate response.
Why This Doesn't Work
Children learn more from what we do than what we say. If you tell your child "Don't worry" while you're visibly worried yourself, they trust your behavior over your words.
When you model anxiety, you're essentially teaching your child that being anxious is normal and unavoidable. They learn your coping strategies—whether healthy or not.
What to Do Instead
Model healthy stress management and coping.
Name your feelings appropriately: "I'm feeling stressed about this deadline, so I'm going to take some deep breaths and make a plan."
Show resilience: "That didn't go the way I hoped, but I'll try again tomorrow."
Demonstrate that uncomfortable feelings are manageable: "I'm nervous about this presentation, and I'm going to do it anyway because it's important."
Take care of your own anxiety: If you have significant anxiety, get your own therapy. Managing your mental health is one of the best things you can do for your child.
Mistake #5: Forcing Them to Face Fears Without Support
You've heard that exposure therapy works, so you think the solution is to make your child face their fears immediately and without support. You force your socially anxious child to go to a birthday party alone. You drag your crying child to school. You insist they do the thing they're terrified of because "they need to get over it."
Why This Doesn't Work
Exposure without support can be traumatic. When you force a child into a situation they're not ready for without teaching them coping skills first, you can actually make the anxiety worse.
Exposure therapy works when it's gradual, when the child has skills to manage their anxiety, and when they feel supported—not abandoned in their fear.
What to Do Instead
Use gradual exposure with support and skill-building.
Teach coping skills first: Before facing fears, your child needs tools to manage anxiety (breathing, grounding, positive self-talk).
Break it into steps: Don't expect them to face the biggest fear immediately. Create a hierarchy from least to most scary and work through it gradually.
Stay nearby: Let them know you're there if they need you. This isn't about abandoning them—it's about helping them discover they can handle it.
Celebrate effort, not just success: "You tried, and that took courage. We'll keep practicing."
Consider working with a therapist who specializes in childhood anxiety. They can guide you through proper exposure techniques.
What to Do Instead: Evidence-Based Approaches Parents Can Use
Now that you know what doesn't work, let's talk about what does.
Build Emotional Awareness
Help your child identify and name emotions. Use feeling charts, read books about emotions, and talk about feelings throughout the day.
Teach Coping Skills
Practice calming strategies when your child is calm so they're automatic when anxiety strikes. Deep breathing, grounding techniques, and progressive muscle relaxation all help.
Learn more calming strategies for anxious children that you can use at home.
Create Predictable Routines
Anxious children feel safer when they know what to expect. Consistent routines reduce anxiety by creating predictability.
Focus on What You Can Control
Teach your child to identify what's in their control versus what isn't. This helps them channel worried energy into productive action.
Know When to Get Help
If your strategies aren't working, if anxiety is getting worse, or if it's significantly impairing your child's life, it's time for professional help. Child therapy provides evidence-based treatment that goes deeper than home strategies can.
Get Expert Help for Childhood Anxiety in Mid Missouri
At Aspire Counseling, we help parents throughout Columbia, Jefferson City, Lee's Summit, and all of Mid Missouri learn how to respond to their child's anxiety in ways that actually help.
Our team of specialized therapists teaches both children and parents the skills they need. We use evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that address anxiety at its root, not just the symptoms.
We'll teach your child coping strategies, help them face fears gradually through exposure therapy, and coach you on how to support their progress at home without accidentally reinforcing anxiety.
Ready to help your child overcome anxiety?
Call (573) 328-2288 to speak with our Client Care Specialist
Learn about our child anxiety therapy throughout Missouri
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About the Author
Jessica Oliver, MSW, LCSW is the founder and Clinical Director of Aspire Counseling, a trauma- and anxiety-focused therapy practice serving families throughout Mid Missouri. Aspire's team of specialized child therapists helps parents understand which responses help their anxious children and which inadvertently make things worse. With expertise in evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and exposure therapy, the Aspire team provides both children and parents with the tools they need for lasting change.
